In It For the No Matter What

I was reading this amazing post by SlimKatie over at Runs for Cookies about the difference between motivation and determination. I highly recommend having a read. It really got me thinking about my journey so far.

Before reading this I probably would have used the two words interchangeably. But now that I can see the difference... I know I am determined. Of course, an awesome weight loss/fitness meme, or some amazing progress photos, or stories from those in my support groups definitely get me motivated. But, determination seems to come from within. From right inside you. Right where your values are. It doesn't come and go. If you've truly committed to something and decided that, come what may, you are going to do it - it's there. And I don't think I would be still going if I wasn't determined.

Motivation gives me a spring in my step. It makes me feel good about what I'm doing. But, that determination I have to lose this weight and change my lifestyle for good? That's what keeps me in it for the good times as well as the hard times. I'm in it for the no matter what.

After three months of Optifast, I know it hasn't always been smooth-sailing. I've whinged and whined about hunger and tiredness and exercise and self-esteem. But, I've pulled through every time. I'm still going. I haven't broken the plan. I haven't become derailed. Because at the core of me in all of those times, there was always the knowledge that I was going to keep going anyway. Even though it was hard. Even though things sucked. I never thought I was going to stop. I might have been kicking and screaming, but I wasn't getting off!

It makes me feel good to know this about myself: I am determined. Because that means I will do this. No matter how long it takes. If it takes a year, two years, five years. I will lose the weight, I will get to a healthy size, I will live a healthier life. I will be happier and so will those around me. I have never felt like this on any other diet in my life. I have never felt so strong. There was always a social event, or a binge-eating pity party, or a week without a loss just around the corner waiting to push me over.

It's different now. I'm in this for the good, the bad and the ugly. For the loose skin, the cravings, the long-winded explanations to people about my food choices, the praise, the rewards, the baggy clothes, the new clothes (one day!), the hard workouts, the sore muscles, the temptations, the awkward social situations, the awesome achievements, the friendships, the gains and the losses. I'm in this.

It feels very liberating. To know that I'm going to get there. Suddenly, I'm not in a rush anymore. There's no giant zero calorie cheesecake waiting on the finish line for me. And there never was. I won't suddenly be able to go back to the old ways of eating and living just because I'm at my goal weight. Things will be different. They need to be. And they're already changing.

I want to be the kind of person that I'm becoming. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. And stay there.

Stepping Up

Today is Day 2 of Transition for me. It's going pretty great so far. My plan is to keep it low carb (under around 70-80g, which is around the same amount of carbs I get on Optifast Intensive) so that I can try to maintain ketosis.

Yesterday my long-awaited Chicken+Avo wrap was devoured rather happily. Although it failed me a little in the execution...

I had picked out the absolutely lowest carb mountain bread I could find at the supermarket - I think it was around 13 or 14g of carbs. I piled that thing up with 100g of chicken, 30g of the Kraft Live Free 80% fat free cheese, a nice spreading of about 25g of avocado (doused in pepper!) and a little bit of baby spinach, grape tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumber, red capsicum and grated carrot. Yep, I even grated a damn carrot for this thing.

Well, immediately, as I tried to roll the thing up, it tore. So I had a chicken and avocado salad with shreds of wrap. It was still yummy. But, I learned my lesson with those wraps. Verdict - not worth the carbs! Unless I was just spreading avocado on it and rolling it up, I can't see how it could hold anything.

The good news is I just saved myself 14g of carbs a day!

If I want a wrap in future, I might try making these Cauliflower Tortillas. I've made Cauliflower Pizza Bases pretty similarly in the past and they are super yum!

So, for lunch today I just had the chicken and avocado (with a teeny tiny bit of the Live Free cheese) on a salad. Skipped the wrap completely. And it took me over 20mins to eat it. I'm such a slow eater now!

If I sound like I'm in a good mood today, it's because I am! This morning I did my first C25K program run! I'm using this awesome RunDouble app on my phone. It's pretty cool. I love how it gives you an announcement when you need to start running/start walking. It takes a lot of the thought out of it! I don't know about you, but when I'm exercising my brain doesn't do thinking very well. So not having to keep an eye on my watch or do basic arithmetic is a super plus for me!

It did take me a little while to work out how to change the settings to kilometres (instead of miles) and to change it to km's instead of minutes per km. But, I figured it out in then end!

Also, you can listen to your own music on your phone, and the app will just interrupt with those announcements when it's time. I'm not using the music yet as I'm making the boyfriend do it with me, so I just had the phone on speaker while we ran.

In terms of how the run went. Well, it was hard. I haven't run in years. When I was 120kgs I was too afraid I would hurt my knees or ankles. Plus, I was lazy - that's part of why I was as big as I was. But, I made it.

This week it's 60second runs followed by 90 second brisk walks (with a 5min walk warm up/down at the beginning/end). The first couple of intervals were easy, but then it started to hit me. I had to really push myself in the last couple of jogging stints, and some encouragement from my boyfriend was certainly welcome. But, I did all of those intervals and I made it. So, now I KNOW I can do this. It's only going to get easier from here. 5K here I come!!

The endorphins and the feeling of achievement afterwards have kept me floating all day. I feel incredible. I actually can't wait for the next run! But, I'm being sensible. We are following the program properly, so just walking tomorrow for a day off.

The other thing that hit me today was that now that I am halfway to my goal, all my future weigh ins will show less to lose than I have already lost. I will, from now on, always have lost more than is left to lose. It really does feel like I'm over the hill!

Apologies for all the self-congratulations. But, I really feel that recording days like this is important for future potential sad-Caitlin days. They are inevitable (as with everyone), but knowing that I can feel this good (especially from exercising and eating well) is really important for my journey.

WIL: Another little piece of old, lazy Caitlin.
WIG: An all-day good mood!

Week 12

End of Week 12. That concludes just about 3 months on Optifast Intensive. Wow...

Today I weighed in at 95kgs, which is a loss of 1kg since last week. And.... 25kgs total! Which is OFFICIALLY half way to my goal of 70kgs!!

I cannot believe it. Or how fast it's been. Optifast is truly amazing.

I am going mad on Intensive at the moment and need to do at least a couple of weeks of Transition. And that starts today! I will be making my long-awaited chicken+avo wrap with care and taking a picture to mark the occasion!

Admittedly, I'm a little scared of starting on more real food now. Especially yummy things like chicken and avocado. I think my subconscious agrees with me, because last night I had a horrible dream where I binged on Shapes, chocolate and chips for ages. My dream mind was thinking that I'd blown it - all my hard work eaten away. Thank goodness, it was only a dream. It was terrifying!

But, it's all fine. I'm here today with no slip ups and 25kgs lost to show for it. I hate to sound like I'm boasting, but I'm trying to pump myself up. After being on a diet for a while you start to take things for granted. But, I am really proud of myself. This is the best I've done on any diet, and I'm determined to make it last. And count. And to learn the lessons I need to learn to never get this big (or even close) again.

Go little turtle, go! Can't wait for that BMI to get under 30!!

I was also thinking I should probably post some progress shots. To see if I can tell much of a difference. I definitely feel less bloated. Yesterday while I was out shopping, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I didn't feel like I was a really fat person anymore - maybe just a bit of a chubby one! 

WIL: Another kilo and HALF of my total weight loss goal! 

WIG: More confidence, and more intelligence about food.

Distractions

This weekend (long weekend) has been pretty great so far! The boyfriend and I took the day off on Friday, and Monday is a public holiday for Australia day, so 4 day weekend - sweet?! Sweet.

Bedroom Wall Art

I have plans this weekend. I need to get started on the paving out the front - which I have been putting off like nothing else. And, to further distract me, I have been hit with a wave of inspiration to create artwork!

We bought our house about 6 months ago and before that we rented. So, we never had much to have on the walls seeing as you usually weren't allowed to drill any holes. And even then, what little we had wasn't enough to fill a 4 bedroom house. I've been looking around online and in markets/stores for some artwork for the walls. I have certain colours I'm looking for to match the decor in the rooms I already have. I have really found nothing that I liked - except pieces over $400. But, considering I need at least 5 LARGE pieces, that is a little out of my price range.

One night last week I couldn't sleep very well so I was up a lot of the night thinking. Suddenly I remembered some advice that a friend gave me many years ago. She was really into the real estate game and had been buying houses, renovating, renting them, building equity and buying more for many years. And she was only 27 (at the time). She told me that a great way of decorating for cheap was to cover canvases with fabric. 

It's funny how the old brain works. It managed to pull some great advice out of the dark recesses of my memory. And now... here I am: making art! 

Dining Room Wall Art

After dragging the poor boyfriend round $2 shops and fabric stores, I have a bag full of offcuts and a stash of cheap canvases. And a staple gun (yay!)

So, I've been making art. I've made 3 sets so far. 1 for the dining room, 1 for the bedroom and 1 for... not sure yet! It's definitely a lot of fun, and the day is flying by without my thinking much about food. And that has made me realise that being bored at work is the thing making me hungry. So, hopefully with the recent developments things will get a little more interesting there for me!

Today is a good day. And tomorrow I'll be listening to the JJJ Hottest 100/ watching Cricket /watching tennis and swimming in a pool. Life is good. 

And let me just thank everyone who has been supporting me lately. It was a little bit of a tough week with the hunger getting to me eventually. But, I'm proud to say that I haven't caved in, even when things got tough. Which is great. The more I'm strong, the stronger I am. So, thank you for being there when I didn't feel so strong here, on MFP, in the Facebook groups and on the forums. It means so much to me and it has really helped me pull through.

Not sure where these are going...

WIL: Hunger! 

WIG: Fun, distractions, some home-crafted art for my walls, and a fantastic support network (love you all).

Tea and Hunger

I'm sitting here with a hot pot of Shimmer Punch by T2 tea. It is delicious. I'm obsessed with T2. One day when I work out how to make the camera on my phone work I will take a picture of the stash of them I have at work.

This Shimmer Punch one is my current favourite. You can either make it hot or chilled, but I haven't tried having it chilled yet since something about the warmth of tea helps me with cravings and boredom hunger. I like to make up a pot (2 cups worth) and then a little later make another pot with the same tea. The second batch is much weaker - and I really like that.

Anyway, this cup is doing the job - mostly!

I've been pretty consistently hungry lately and I feel like it's wearing on me. At first I thought it might be something to do with the fact I've been having quite a few more of the New Formula shakes lately. The new ones have a bit more carbs (around 7gs more) and a bit more sugar than the old ones. My staple has usually been the Old Formula since it's a bit cheaper.

So, today and yesterday I have stuck to the old formula to see if it makes a difference. Just to see if the extra carbs were maybe pushing me out of ketosis. Or if it was the sugar giving me cravings. Well, yesterday went well but I am hungry again today.

I've cut way back on the exercise too - just waiting for Transition before I pick it up again. So, it can't be that. It could be just a psychological thing - that I'm so excited for Transition that I keep thinking about food?

My day usually goes like this:

7am - 30min Walk
7.30am - Breakfast shake with Benefibre, glass of Berocca + another 500ml water
9am - 12pm (at work) Anywhere between 1-2.5 litres of herbal tea and water
12/12.30pm - Lunch shake and salad or veggie sticks (I usually try to hold off til 12.30pm, but the girls at work like to eat at 12
2pm-5pm - Another 1-2 litres of tea and water and MASSIVE HUNGRIES (lately)
6pm - Dinner shake and either soup/salad or stir fry. Sometimes I have a dessert instead of the shake.
 
I've tried having a shake at around 3 or 4pm to stave off the hungries, but that just means that I'm hungry later when I only have veggies for dinner. I've never found veggies to be filling. If anything, I find that they make me hungrier - especially things like celery. My mushroom soup is pretty filling, but the same can't be said for salads and stir fries.

In the beginning this system was working. But now, it's really really not. I guess I just need to stick it out for 3 more days and then I can have my fruit and dairy snacks to tide me over. I haven't come this far to give in!!

In other news - things might be getting better at work (fingers crossed!) My boss came up to me this afternoon and said he wanted to send me on a Project Management course and that he wants the two of us to get a proper system in place for dealing with projects. I have been whinging about the way things are done around here for a while now - so this is great! In fact, he joked that the Project Methodology we use around here is "Crisis Management". lol. Hopefully it all goes ahead and gets approved and isn't just pie in the sky. I would really like to change things around here - but just not on my own. Plus, that kind of training is something I've wanted to do for ages and is really valuable!

Salad Jars

I found out about these little beauties from this article, but it appears that the trend has been all over the net, particularly Pinterst for some time. I bought some jars at Red Dot over the weekend for about $3 each and had my first go at making one last night.

I made up a dressing of:
- 1 tsp Olive Oil (my daily oil allowance)
- 1 tsp Balsamic Vinegar
- a shake of pepper, salt and garlic powder.

So, that went into the bottom, then some chopped mushies in on top of that to soak up the flavour. I wasn't how to order the layers of the rest of the veg. But, I knew the spinach/lettuce was supposed to go on top. Keeping the leafy stuff out of the dressing is what helps it keep fresh/unsoggy for up to 10 days in the fridge.

Anyway, mine only got to sit overnight because I took it to work for lunch today. The mushrooms had really soaked up the dresing and it was honestly bl**dy delicious!! I reckon I could make up 5 at the start of a work week and take one for lunch every day. The ones towards the end of the week would probably taste even better!

I think the idea that your meat (or mushrooms in my case) get a chance to marinate a bit in the dressing without making the whole thing go soggy is really wonderful. Then, of course, when I emptied it all out, the flavours got nice and mixed in with the whole salad.

I just love looking at it and all the pretty colours. I totally eat with my eyes. It is rather faddy, I agree, but it's just very fun and whimsical and really a cool way to get excited about salads!

Can't wait to be able to put a bit of chicken and/or cheese in there come Transition!

 



Marcie and Fyfe

In other news, the new cats are settling in pretty well. They are getting more confident around us every day. I am trying to be patient, but I really can't wait until they come and sit on our laps and give cuddles!

 

I'm feeling generally more positive this week. I've decided to just take it fairly easy on the exercise front and just stick to my walking plus a very light session of weights on Mon-Wed-Fri. I can slightly feel it in my butt today (from squats/lunges), so even a small session must be worth something!

Blood tests are on Friday morning, which I have been dreading. But, that should give the doc a good idea of how I'm doing and he should be able to recommend how I should proceed from here. Whether I do a couple of weeks of Transition and come back to Intensive or whether I just go Transition from now on. We shall see!

Week 11

End of Week 11. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster of a week with my emotions all over the place. Trying to stay on top and positive. Overall, feeling good right now.

I lost 1.5kgs this week, which has brought me to 96kgs. That means 24kgs lost, which is a goal of mine (20% of body weight lost). Feeling awesome.

This will be my last week on Intensive and I'm looking forward to Transition. I am SO ready for some real food. I think the monotony of Intensive has finally exhausted me. Just one more week though, and I can change things up a bit.

We got a new cat and a kitten this last weekend - so that has been really exciting! I will update later with some pics!

Egg Emergency!

Last night as I got in to bed at 9.30pm, my tummy was rumbling. Loudly. I was the hungriest I've been since that first week on Optifast. There have been moments throughout these 10 and a half weeks where I've been mildly hungry, experiencing mild cravings or just hanging out for the next shake. But nothing like this. I couldn't even comprehend how I could get to sleep in that state!

So, after a few minutes lying in bed with my stomach screaming at me, I had to get up. I racked my brain for what we had in the house. Some ham or chicken maybe? I know that Optifast allows you an extra 50-100g of lean protein when you regularly do over an hour of intensive exercise. Or if your BMI is over 35. My BMI is no longer that high and I don't think 30mins intensive + a gentle 30min walk really qualifies on the exercise front. But, I didn't care. I needed food!

I raced to the kitchen, rummaged for a small fry pan, sprayed it lightly with olive oil and popped it on the stove. Then I cracked two eggs into it and began scrambling them in the pan! No time to beat them separately. When they were cooked I ground a little black pepper onto them and tried my best to eat them slowly, taking sips of plain mineral water in between each bite.

It was ok. I was still slightly hungry, but I could handle that. I managed to get to sleep.

So, I technically "cheated" my diet. But, even in my desperate race to get something in my belly, I still had the awareness to make a good choice. The eggs are just fat and protein and won't have done any damage to my ketosis. Optifast say, "If you have to cheat, cheat with meat." (And eggs, in this instance, count as meat!)

I know why this happened. I've been pushing myself too hard on the exercise this week. I am a bit behind on my goal of 4 walks, 3 resistance band sessions, and 3 bike sessions. I've done the walks and 2 sessions with the bands, but only managed to do my first 30mins on the bike last night. I would only be getting in 2 rides max (if I did one more on the weekend). But, still. This appears to be way too much exercise for me on these restricted calories.

It might have been the intensive bike session that pushed me over the edge. I really pushed myself doing 15mins of hill intervals and then 15mins of sprint intervals. The resistance band workouts really sock it to me too. But, I feel so flabby and loose right now. I really want to tone up. I don't know...

I feel like I've gotten a bit lost in all of this lately. I am actually concerned I'm pushing myself into Starvation mode. My weight loss slowed up a bit last week, and a sneak peak today looked even worse. I don't want to stall my weight loss. I have had faith in the Optifast plan for so long now - why am I messing with it?

I still want to do my 3rd resistance band work out tonight. And then I hope to just take it easy on the weekend. It really sucks. Exercise has been making me feel so good. I don't know if I just need to persist and get used to the hunger or if I'm actually doing damage to my body and should reign it back.

Probably should see my doctor to get his advice. But the only way he's going to know is if he does tests. I've had a referral for some pathology tests for a while now, but I usually faint or near-faint every time I get blood taken. And I reckon on reduced calories it will be even worse. So, I'm afraid. And putting it off. I need to go. I'm going to have to convince myself, somehow.

I was going so well just doing 30min walks and sticking to the program. I've changed things and the results are changing. Do I care about that number on the scale more than feeling fitter and happier? Or, am I being silly trying to push the exercise? One more week til transition. With a bit more food (around 200 calories more), will that make a difference?

Lots to think about.

WIL: The plot (a bit).
WIG: Knowledge that I can cook eggs in under 3mins - get outta here Fast Food!
A bit of thinking to do.

Turning it Up

I did my fastest ever walk this morning - 3kms in 28.5mins. That may be slow for a lot of you, but it's a lot faster for me! I think in the beginning I was doing 3kms in 35mins.

I don't always feel like pushing it. Sometimes my morning walks are more of a relaxation/wake up thing. Especially if I've done some exercise on the bike or resistance bands the night before. But, this morning I challenged my boyfriend and myself to beat our PB (which I think might have been just over 30mins).

Yay for us!

I'm hoping that turning up the intensity a bit will help prepare me for the Couch to 5K that I want to start doing from the start of my Transition phase. (I've already downloaded an app for it!) It's going to be hard at first, I know. I'm very unfit. But, I know from previous experience that if I stick at it, I will get better every time.

Reading all these wonderful weight loss and fitness blogs like Poonapalooza, Optifast Mom and Runs For Cookies has really got me motivated to get running. So, that is a goal of mine. I've just been hesitant to run with so much weight on me, in case I hurt my knees or ankles. And also while my calories are so restricted. I am really frightened that I will push myself into being hungry again.

Hmmm... these all sound like excuses! I think I really just need to bite the bullet and see how it goes. I won't know til I try!

I'm feeling a lot better today than I did last week. Work feels better. I think I've finally managed to catch up on all the work after my Xmas break. So, that has helped my mood.

I need to get a move on with my paving project for our front yard. Need to mark out the sections I need digged up and then hire someone with a bobcat to do it for me. Plus, we also need to do something about the lifting tiles in our laundry, and the damp smell in there (which may or may not be associated with the lifting tiles!). Oh, and of course the 4 more doors we need to paint. And the feature wall in the bedroom. And then, the creative painting pieces I want to do for the bare walls everywhere. We bought our first house 6 months ago and boy there are always things to do, aren't there?!

The good thing is that being happier and healthier on Optifast has seen me do a lot more work around the house than before. I was always on the couch. And when we did a big clean I'd often have to sit down for breaks because my back or hips were sore. Not so much, now.

Hope you're all well and having a good week so far!

Week 10

Today is Week 10 Weigh-In day. I lost 0.9kg in the last week. First time on this diet that I've lost less than 1kg, but whatever! It's still 900grams I'm not carrying around with me.
 
I was good this week. I didn't deviate at all. I'm really in a routine with my eating now. Yesterday I went and saw The Hunger Games 2 with a friend of mine. I took my 1L water bottle and even bought along a little snap-lock bag of veggie sticks to have in the movie.  In the end, I actually didn't really miss snacking that much, so I only ate a few.
 
Actually, after the movie, my friend bought himself a packet of potato chips. He offered me one, smiling. (He knows that I'm on a diet). I said "No, thanks." He replied, "I bet you do, really."

That made me stop and think! Thing is, I didn't really. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't craving salt. I didn't even expect that it would taste particularly nice. Why would I want to eat it? I feel like some big changes are happening inside me!

Oh, and people are starting to notice! Today a colleague came back from 3 weeks off over Xmas/New Year. He remarked that I looked different. I don't like to draw attention to my weight loss that much so I just said "Oh, okay!" But, he insisted that I must have lost weight and that it was noticable! I thanked him, of course! A man noticed. Woohoo! He is the first person to say anything at work, apart from my good friend who tells me I look fantastic almost every day - bless her! So, you can count that as two compliments today. Score!
 
On the water front, I've been trying to keep my intake at around 3 litres a day, and, so far so good! My Water Your Body app is helping remind me. I usually drink a lot of water. But days where I might have some diet soft drink, I tend to drink a little less. So, now that I'm being more conscious of it, I seem to not have any room for soft drink. Which, is a good thing. I think it's best if I keep it for treats as I've found a can of Diet Coke really helps if I'm having a hungry moment or need a little pick me up!
 
My skin is continuing to improve and clear up. I haven't had any big pimples in a while and most of the blotching from past acne is calming down a bit. However, I am more aware of it now, and probably more critical. It's amazing how many things about my appearance I just didn't even care about when I was fatter. I didn't bother with makeup, with doing anything with my hair. I didn't think about clothes too much. Never did my nails, etc. I didn't want to draw attention to myself. And often thought I was disgusting anyway, so why even bother? Now, I feel like I'm trying to be the best me I can be in every way!
 
In other news, I managed to do 4 x 30min walks and 2 x 30min stationary bike rides this week. Plus one workout with my resistance bands. I'm very conscious of trying to get a bit fitter and toned now. I don't want to become obsessed with fitness, but I want to make sure that when I've lost all my weight I don't then need to do another 6 months of training on top of it to tighten everything up! Also, I need to build good habits now that will last me for my lifetime of maintaining.

This next week I'm aiming to step it up to 3 x bike rides and 3 x resistance band workouts, and at least 4 walks (as usual). Might think about adding in an extra 100g of protein on those days as I don't want to push myself into starvation mode!

My goal for the mental side of things this week, is to be positive! No need for getting stressed or worried. The weight is coming off. It will be gone, eventually. Stay strong, and keep going!
 
WIL: Nearly a kilo! The ability to wear all but one pair of my work pants.
WIG: Compliments. Better skin. Renewed positive attitude.

Food Nightmares

I had another food nightmare last night. 

I've had them before. Basically I cave in to eating junk food and feel really horrible about it. Then I wake up and it takes a really long while to shake that feeling. I still am not 100% sure I didn't somehow sleep walk and sleep eat!

The worst part about this dream was not when I'd indulged in some fish and chips and ice cream. It was when I was in the dream supermarket later with the uncontrollable urge to buy some doughnuts or sweet buns. I was compelled. And in that instant I realised how I'd broken my ketosis. I felt out of control. Like I simply had to have some junk food - there was no compromise.

I woke up, shortly after, panicked. And, I'm still disturbed by this. That need for food. That desire beyond sense or reason. It's horrible to think I was once like that. Knowing that there was chocolate in the cupboard or ice cream in the fridge and being so drawn to it. Being driven to finish the packet like it was some sort of competition. 

Junk food never lasted longer than a day in our house. My boyfriend hardly got a look in.
Confession time: It had got to the point where he would have to hide his treats from me so that I wouldn't eat them all.

Chocolate, chips, ice cream, biscuits (sweet/savoury), anything from the bakery? I would eat it immediately. And then buy more. Secretly. And eat it alone. Like an alcoholic.

But I've been so good lately! How could Dream Me lose control so easily when all my old triggers haven't had a hold on me in weeks? It didn't even bother me last night when we sat down to dinner and dessert with our friends. It hasn't bothered me in weeks. I honestly look forward to my veggies. I love how they taste and how they make me feel. I enjoy the Optifast products. And, most of the time, I feel satisfied.

It's possible the dream came about because I've been thinking about Transition for a little while now. I'm a little nervous about it. Intensive phase is so easy - you never have to think about what you eat. Transition is going to be more work. Lots more conscious food decisions to make. 

Perhaps getting more prepared about it might help. Tomorrow is my End of Week 10 weigh-in, and that leaves 2 more weeks of Intensive. I've already planned my first Transition meal, but what about the rest? Perhaps I can use this time to plan out a few more meals and days in MyFitnessPal. Get my shopping lists ready to go. Maybe it was just my brain's way of telling me to get organised!

I know it was just a dream. And thank goodness it didn't happen! I am not out of ketosis. I did not break my diet. I don't want it to make me afraid of food. I need to learn from this and realise that I'm the one in control. Nothing is going in my mouth unless I want it to for the right reasons. 

WIL: A sleep in. :-(
WIG: Re-committed to my goal to never be a slave to food again!


Image found here: http://weheartit.com/entry/45786294

Resistance

I decided to try out the light (5.5kg) resistance bands anyway. Either they are WAY harder to use than weights or I am not as strong as I thought I was. So, I'm glad that I didn't take them back to replace for thicker ones! They are a little awkward getting used to, but I pushed through and did about a 20-30min workout yesterday with them! It was very hot here in Perth yesterday (and today - 44 degrees celcius OMG!) so I was a little light-headed when I was finished. I will have to be careful not to overdo it too much.

This morning I looked up a few videos on people using the resistance bands. The one I linked here I think I will try tomorrow because it looks fairly simple. I will also add in a few squats and lunges for the lower body. And maybe... *cringe* some ab exercises. 

I was reading through the Exercise Guide that comes with the bands and realised I was immediately skimming over ALL the ab ones. I HATE AB EXERCISES! Mostly because I don't have a fitball or anything so they always hurt my neck and back. But, sigh. I should probably try to find some compound exercises with the bands or something like that so that I can at least work them out a little. Small steps. Let's not get too crazy here!

Tonight we have some friends of ours coming over for dinner. We already made a berry mousse and prepped the chicken (in Lemon & Herb marinade) last night. I was very conscious not to accidentally let any spoons or fingers go into my mouth when making the mousse!  All that's left to do today is a quick whizz-around clean-up, make a nice yummy garden salad, and then an hour before they arrive, pop some potatoes and the chicken in the oven. 

I'll just have salad tonight, and an Optifast dessert for me to have while everyone else has mousse. I find it's best if I'm eating at the same time as everyone else. Not so much because I get jealous or cravings (I seem to be mostly past that) but because I feel self-conscious that I'm making others uncomfortable if I'm not eating too.

Hope everyone is having and has a great weekend! 

Drops and Droops

It's Friday. Huzzah! It has been a long tough week. First week back after the Christmas break, and my enthusiasm levels for work have been around 0.03%. But I have gradually done a bit more work each day so that I'm feeling a bit less guilty. I say this as I write a blog post at work...

I installed an app on my phone yesterday called Water Your Body. One of the girls in my Facebook support group recommended it. It makes a little watery sound every hour to remind you to check in with it and tell it how much you've drunk so far, which also motivates me take a few more sips from my drink bottle. Day 1 down and I met my recommended personal quota of 3.2 litres - so yay!

We'll see how long this lasts. Usually I'm into these things for all of a week or so. But, at least it's reminding me to drink more and also space it out a bit better instead of downing a litre when I get home because I forgot all day!

I've decided I want to set up a little workout area in our spare room at home. It already has my exercise bike in there which I've had for years and rarely use. Last night I bought some resistance bands to use in there, but when I got home I realised the 5.5kg ones I got would be too light. I wanted aroud 4-5kgs for each arm, so if I'm both arms at the same time it's only going to be about 2.75kgs each. I might go back after work and see if I can exchange them.

Next thing I need to do is get a music stand or something else to rest my iPad on so I can run YouTube video workouts to follow on there. And also to stream Foxtel (Pay TV) to watch while I'm on the bike.

The weekend we have friends coming over for dinner, which is always a bit tough since I don't eat much real food these days and I'm starting to lose touch with what a nice meal would be! I have my partner to help, though. And we also need to start marking out the front lawn for the paving I'm going to do.

It's going to be a busy one! So, I hope I get time to get started on the resistance stuff. I am starting to look might droopy and flabby!

Self-Soothing

It's not unlike me to go through little low moments where I feel generally rotten about myself. It is, however, incredibly unlike me to not deal with it by stuffing my face. I remember times (plural) when I would go to the supermarket and buy several packets of doughnuts, chips, ice cream and chocolate and sit in front of the TV or computer, mindlessly forcing days worth of calories down my throat. Sometimes I would be sick. Most of those times I would start bingeing again later that evening.

Did it ever make me feel better? Well. Yes, I think in those brief moments between the pre-guilt and the post-guilt I was mildly happy. Or, perhaps a better word for it would be "numb". I was numb. In that fleeting sugar-induced haze I was feeling like the things that were bothering me had vanished.

Only problem was? Afterwards I was often too full to even sit up. My heart would be racing with the elevated blood sugar and I would feel like sleeping. And the mood would fall again. Almost immediately. So, I would be back where I started, with another who-even-knows how many extra thousands of calories on board. I'd compounded the problem.

The more I did it, the more I did it. The more habitual it became. And the more reasons I gave myself to feel bad about myself.

I am so glad I have broken that cycle. I'm fully aware that it's only 9 or 10 weeks behind me. But, I am determined to never kick it off again.

I have been feeling a little down about myself lately. Really criticising my skin, how un-toned I am and how stupid I look in these big baggy clothes now. But, I haven't dealt with it in the old way. I also, don't really seem to want to.

I think it's a combination of my success so far and ketosis. Momentum is a wonderful thing. And, as I've written before, I really believe in this diet. I know it won't always be massive losses, but I know I will still continue to lose if I follow the program. I don't want to sabotage this. I'm onto a good thing here!

The ketosis too, is so powerful. Not being hungry and, at many times being so un-hungry that I couldn't even stomach the thought of eating, really seems to combat any tiny thoughts about old habits returning. It's for this reason I plan to trying to stay fairly low carb throughout Transition and probably for life. I may not (or even perhaps should not) maintain ketosis forever, but I still feel like I will have more control keeping the carbs, and especially processed carbs, to a minimum.

The best thing I think about not resorting to binge eating in order to self-soothe? It's that whatever else I do to get through it (whether it be a few cups of my favourite teas, a walk, or snuggling up on the couch with a blanket and some trashy television) doesn't hurt me in any way. It feels much cleaner today. Much lighter. Like I haven't added any extra load (emotional or physical). I feel so much freer to just move on now and not have to deal with the legacy of other bad emotions that binge eating to feel better gave me.

Why Am I Doing This?

I often find myself thinking about why I am doing Optifast instead of some other diet or calorie counting. I think it has a lot to do with all the reading I do on weightloss forums. There seems to be a real stigma against Very Low Calorie Diets (VLCD) or anything involving shakes.

I've been using MyFitnessPal to track my weight loss, food and exercise. It's mainly so I can keep control over the veggie recipes I concoct and all the little extra things I might pop in my mouth each day - sugarfree gum/lollies/jelly etc. It can add up.

While on there I occasionally browse the community forums. There is one thread I look at occasionally, which is titled something like "Any other Optifast users out there?". Many of my friends on the site have come from this thread. This thread though, is honestly a bit of a minefield. For every second honest Optifast user there, there is somebody who needs to make a point about "liquid diets being unsustainable", "unhealthy" or how we're all "going to put all that weight back on straight away".

And so, it does make me think. And ask myself, "Why am I doing this, again?" "Why aren't I just calorie counting?"

Well, there are two parts to my answer, I've realised. The first part is why I started Optifast in the first place: I was desperate, my doctor recommended it, and I had family members that had had success with it.

I had tried calorie counting and exercising like mad at the gym. And I won't lie and tell you they didn't work. They did! I lost about 15kgs at the beginning of 2012 doing exactly that. But, like every other diet I've been on since I was 15 - I didn't stick at it. In March 2012 I went on a family holiday and while trying to be good, I ended up giving in to the family meals out at restaurants, and the ice creams on the beach, and all that jazz.

After years of what I guess is called yo-yo dieting, I had pretty much given up on my ability to achieve any meaningful and permanent weight loss. Convincing myself night after night that I could get away with carrying more weight. That I wasn't THAT fat. That I didn't care if I was overweight, I only cared about being happy.

In the past I'd had some bloodwork done that showed I was pretty high on the blood sugar levels and had some fatty liver syndrome happening. At the time the doctor had recommended Optifast. So, I'd given some weight to the diet as more than just some fad.

Additionally, a couple of family members had been put on the diet by their doctors and had some great successes.

And the second part? Why I continue to do Optifast? Because I believe in the journey.

I'm not one to just accept what a packet or an advertisement tells me. I have read all about ketosis, and the various stages of the diet that re-teach you how to eat in the real world. I know there are blow-ins that throw back a few shakes for a few weeks before their wedding to shed 5kgs or so, but that's not what I'm doing here. I'm going through all those phases, dammit! And I'm going to learn what my body needs to live and maintain a healthy weight.

Already on the 10th week of the Intensive Phase, I have noticed changes. I am so thankful for doing this stage as it has been an incredible break and detox. I feel like my body has been going through these stages of bargaining with me for what it wants. LIke every craving has been slowly narrowing it down to what it really needs. Not just what the fast food commercial says looks good.

"What about a hamburger? Wouldn't a big juicy hamburger with a plate full of thick cut chips and garlic aoili be just what we need right now?"

   No, I can't have that.

"What about just the hamburger? Scrap the chips! A nice patty with some cheese and relish and a lovely toasted bun. We could even put some lettuce and tomato on it?"

   No, I can't have that.

"Ok... what about a toasted cheese sandwich?"

   No, I can't have that.

"You know what? What I really want? I would like a Chicken and avocado wrap."

   Oh... well, you know what? We might be able to swing that, body!

And so, in about Week 4 I planned out my first Transition meal in MyFitnessPal. It's going to be a chicken and avocado wrap on wholegrain mountain bread, with 30g of cheese and all my favourite salad veggies. It's 386 calories. Perfect since our Transition meals need to be around 400 cals. And with about 26g carbs it should probably be ok to keep me under 80 or so grams of carbs for the day so that I can stay relatively low carb.

I really like that eventually, after not having that addictive sugary/salty/fatty food, my body has started to be more reasonable. It's craving things like avocado, eggs and strawberries. Healthy foods that I'm just not allowed to have in this stage, but will again in just under 3 weeks when I move to Transition. I really really like that. I reckon that's a good sign!

I also love the idea of the Transition stage introducing one real meal a day, then the Maintenance 2 and then eventually the Stabilisation not having any Optifast products at all. It's not forcing me to suddenly have to think of 3 healthy meals a day to eat. I'm going to learn gradually and at a safe pace.

So, when you couple the two parts together, I feel very convinced that I'm doing the right thing for me. I feel like while I might not have been exactly sure why it was the best thing for me when I started, I am utterly certain now.

WIL: My cravings for chocolate and most of my cravings for salty fast food.
WIG: A whole new obsession with avocado. I wonder if it will be as good as I want it to be once I eventually eat it?

Good Reasons

Yesterday I got carried away. I was trying to find some old pictures I could use as my "before" photos. I was too full of self-loathing to take any proper ones when I started. Plus, I think part of me didn't believe I would actually get past a few days of the diet anyway.

I have actually tried Optifast before. Not properly. I didn't know how to do it properly. My doctor had suggested it in the past when I'd complained about finding it hard to stick to a diet. I'd bought the shakes and proceeded to have them for Breakfast, then Lunch... then by the afternoon I would be so hungry I'd binge on a mighty bowl of pasta and then dessert and then... try again tomorrow?

I hadn't read enough (or opened the brochure that comes with the packet, duh) to know I should be eating 2+ cups of veg a day. AND a tsp of oil. Trust me, that little spoon is something. I can really taste the difference when I have that on my salad. And, it may just be in my head, but I reckon it helps with the fullness factor too.

And I also hadn't read about the 3-day challenge. If I had known then that all I needed to do was stick it out and be hungry for 3 days and then it would stop? Well, who knows. But I do remember at the time thinking "What's the point? I can't do this! How can I resign myself to being this hungry FOREVER?!"

But, I did do my reading this time. And here we are. But, no proper "before" photos.

And so I was browsing through Facebook photos trying to find ones that properly show my extra chins or actually showcases my body. Both of which are actually hard to find. Not because they don't exist but because I actively avoid posting those ones and remove any tags my friends link me to.

Needless to say, there was still enough evidence to show what I did look like. I think there might be a small difference. But, I had to really analyse it. Which got me a little down. Because once I'm scrutinising myself that closley it's hard to turn it off! Not only was it harder than I thought it should be to see a noticeable difference. But, now I was scrutinising what I currently look like!

I was staring at myself in the mirror thinking, "You've lost 20 kilos and you're still obese". Great mindset that. I've generally been so positive throughout this journey.

I told my friend at work what I was thinking this morning and she said, "Well, I'm here to tell you you look fantastic!" I'm choosing to take that on board and believe it. And not try to qualify it or dismiss it in my head like I would usually do. Yesterday I was feeling fantastic, so why not believe I look it too?

And you know what? I can't actually think of any good reason not to.

Week 9

End of Week 9!! Can you believe it?! I might have to pinch myself to believe that I have been on a diet for over 2 months now! Incredible.

So... guess what!?! I am in DOUBLE DIGITS, baby!! 98.4kgs as of this morning! I am THRILLED to say the least. I just went and crossed off my second goal! I have also added in another goal of 25kgs lost - because that is my halfway point.

It is my first day back to work after 2 weeks off over Xmas and New Year and I am almost floating on air! I am starting to look like a bit of a dork in my baggy work shirts, but oh well! I MUCH prefer them this loose to when they were so tight that I couldn't lift my arms. Two months ago if I had to do a lot of photocopying and bending over that day, I would make sure to wear the slightly looser one so that I didn't cut the circulation off in my arms! Oh how uncomfortable it was to be that big.

I had a pretty big week this week. My sister was over from Melbourne and staying with us. We took her all about Perth and there were MANY lunches and dinners out. I think (to my major dismay!) I only got to have ONE of my mushroom soups. The rest were garden salads at whatever restaurant we were at! It gets annoying having to specially ask for their side salad with no cheese, no beetroot, no dressing or whatever that many times in a week! But, I did it. FAR better to be slightly annoyed than have indulged for a silly reason like saving myself the hassle!

We went to Rottnest one day and as we walked down to the beach (and later back up the beach) I noticed how my boyfriend and sister were walking so much quicker than me across the sand. I was honestly trying to keep up as best as I could and realised that it was probably because I was so heavy that I was sinking into the sand more and it was harder for me to move quickly. I really look forward to the day I can keep up on the sand!

Another thing happened this week, and it's a bit sad, so I do apologise for sharing. Unfortunately, my cat had to be put down. It was a very sad couple of days for me with him being sick and then ultimately having to be put to sleep. I don't remember the last time I cried that much. The reason why I mention it though, is because of how it affected me food wise. There were a couple of times when I went to the fridge for some water and thought about the Snickers ice creams in the fridge. Or the Lindt chocolates in the cupboard. But, amazingly, they were fairly fleeting thoughts. The other thing that I noticed was that I actually lost my appetite. Which, I think I've heard of other (normal sized) people experiencing. I've never in my life noticed that I actually didn't want to eat when I was sad. Probably because I was so busy stuffing my face full of sugar and fat in the hope that it would cheer me up. It made me realise that those times I was never actually hungry - just craving things that I thought made me feel better. I only ate 2 opti meals that day + my veggies. It's a once off so I'm not particularly worried about it. I just wanted to remark upon it because I think it might have been a significant point in my weight loss journey.

So, all in all a very big week for me! But, I have come out of it smiling and realising just how strong I am and how much I DON'T need junk food to make me feel good. It's amazing just how much less important food has become in my life. I honestly am starting to think of my meals as something I need because I'm hungry and will need the energy/nutrients. Not something to make me feel good or have fun.

Oh, and I need to think of another reward to get myself for my 20kgs/double digits goal being achieved. I was going to get a manicure, but last week I broke one of my nails and had to cut the rest of them to make them the same length. Still, I'm not too disappointed because the whole deal with that was that I stopped biting my nails! So, I know they will grow again. My GOSH it looks so much nicer to have nicely trimmed short nails, then bitten and red and sore ones!! I might save the manicure for my 30kgs goal reward.

If you have any reward ideas, let me know! I was thinking maybe a hair cut and colour. I haven't had one of those in a while - it's amazing how much beauty stuff you let go when you don't feel good about yourself because of your weight!

WIL: 1.9kgs... and a grand total of (my very long awaited first major goal of) 21.6kgs lost!!; An extra digit column on the scales - no longer required!; And very sadly, a beautiful kitty cat that I loved dearly.
WIG: So much more confidence in myself; an even stronger willpower muscle; some awesome priceless time with my sis; the ability to look at what I can do and think, "Wow, I am pretty amazing!"; maybe a new way of looking at food??