It's Gonna Happen

I didn't make it through on Saturday. But it's not over yet.

Today I've made it past lunch time, which is probably a record for the past few months. It's like Day 1, Week 1 all over again. I am hungry and having extreme sugar deprivation headaches. My body is all "Hey man, I thought we were cool here? I thought we were all having a good time?"

No, body, we weren't.

I am determined to do this. I am going to see this day out. Those hours are gonna drag, my stomach is gonna rumble and my head is gonna pound. But come what may, I am going to put my head on the pillow tonight with a smile knowing that I made it.

Like that motivational quote goes... "If you're sick of starting over, stop giving up".

Taking Some Advice

So, hi. I've been a bad blogger. I've lost my direction when it comes to weight loss, and so I've lost my desire to blog. But, a lovely, supportive friend (Optifast Adventurer) said to me that it might be of some use to keep blogging during this time. She's very wise, so I'm betting she could be right. It could help me clear a few things up in my head. And it could help anyone reading to see the hard times that one can go through. Perhaps it might just make one other person feel not so alone.

So, what's been happening? Well, a couple of months ago I got given a $4M project to manage at my work. My usual gig there is Document Control, but I've always been one of those people that do what needs to be done, so I've had a lot of extra involvement in projects anyway. My company has recently realised the importance of allocating an individual person to oversee the projects, and, in the absence of anyone else to do it, they gave it to me. 

It's been a bit of a learning curve and a lot of extra work and responsibility. I have been experiencing a lot of extra stress and anxiety. In the beginning, I decided to shift my focus from dieting to work for a while because I thought that working a bit harder at this time would pay off for me. However, it really seems like it won't. So, that has actually caused me a lot more depression and anxiety.

I haven't been able to get back on track. I sort of haven't wanted to either. I've wanted to have a bit of freedom from restriction for a while. Every time I get stressed my mind says "Eat some chocolate, you need it. You deserve it."

When I was on Optifast, I would tell myself that I didn't need junk food to make me feel better. That it would only make me feel worse. And I was right. I know that it won't make me feel better because every day when I eat it I feel worse. It's only those few moments when I'm putting food into my mouth, chewing and swallowing that I feel absent from fears and sadness. But once it's in my stomach, new fears and sadnesses are there too. I feel like a useless addict. I feel like a slave to something that is trying to kill me. 

I know I'm not powerless. I know I am making choices. I am the one going to the supermarket and buying hordes of secret junk food to hide for myself. I do this because if my boyfriend and I buy junk food for the both of us, I will end up eating it all and he will get none. And then I will feel even more guilt. (He likes to have some biscuits and desserts around for a snack every now and then - he can eat in moderation.)

But, I do feel heavily addicted. I feel sad when I try to make a healthier choice. Like, I'm being torn away from my crutch. I also feel lost. I don't want to eat salads anymore. And I can't think of healthier foods to have easily on hand. I make soups, but I bore of them quickly. 

I have started Optifast again so many mornings. I'll get up and have a bar or a shake for breakfast. Then I'll get into work and read an email that will stress me out or upset me and then I'll just feel desperate and out of control. I have been trying some breathing and meditation. It does help a little. But chocolate helps the best. 

Until I step on the scales again and a few more hundred grams are there. This morning I've crept up to 81.5kgs. The lowest I got down to was around 79kgs. I did hang around that mark for most of May and June. But July I haven't seen under 80. I have been 80.5, 80.2, 80.8 most days. This morning was a bit of a rude shock, actually. I did have a few beers and a lot of pizza last night, though, so perhaps there is 500g or so of carby water weight in there.

I haven't been running in a while. My boyfriend and I both injured ourselves training for a 12km run in August. We have since dropped out, unfortunately. The injuries weren't too bad, but since we needed to follow a plan to progressively run further and further each week, we weren't going to make the 12km (without hurting ourselves again) in time. I think we are going to just stick to around 5km once or twice a week for now. Today is going to be the first run we've done in a while.

I have been walking most mornings for 30mins to try and keep some exercise up. I have found it helps me start the day better and it's helpful for stress management. 

My stress is just through the roof at the moment. It's very tricky. I know that what really helps stress is a healthy diet. But, I am finding it hard to stick to anything when I'm stressed. It's sort of a catch 22.

I need the right attitude back again. I need that determination I had back all those months ago. That girl lost 40kgs! I might have put back on one or two, but that damage isn't insurmountable. 

The plan is to just start doing the Optifast Intensive again (3 meals a day + 4 cup of veg + 1 tsp of oil). Just for a week or two to get re-focussed. Then I'll slip back into Transition again when I have 1 ~400 cal meal a day plus a serve of dairy and a serve of fruit. But, I haven't been able to get that far in all the weeks I've been trying.

So, the mini-plan is just to take a deep breath and take one day at a time. One MEAL at a time! Today is the challenge. I can make it through one day. I can follow the plan for one day. I can do this. 

Checking In

Just a quick note to let you know I'm alive!

April, May and now June have been a bit of a non-event in terms of weight loss. That is - I've stayed around about 79kgs or less for the duration.

I have been eating a lot off plan, although I've kept up the regular exercise.

Things have been new, stressful and exciting at work, and I've been working long hours with new responsibility. I've just been trying to get my head above water and have prioritised work over weight loss for now. As long as I'm maintaining, I'm not too fussed. I'm still not BMI-wise a "healthy" weight, but I feel great and feel that I look great.

Perhaps when things at work settle down a bit I'll be able to re-focus on weight loss.

Hope you're all well and happy. xo

Heart Health

Yesterday we had a free Heart Health check. It was provided by my work, which was pretty awesome. They had a lady come in and take a finger prick test for blood glucose and cholesterol, as well as taking our blood pressure and waist measurement.

I'm pleased to say that my results were quite good! My blood glucose was 4.9, which the lady said was really great considering I'd eaten lunch within the last two hours. Under 5.5 is the "Normal" range for a fasting test, so even having eaten I was still good! My cholesterol (they only tested total cholesterol) was also under 5.1!

My blood pressure was a little high - 130/80. But, the lady said that if I'd sat in the the chair a little longer, it might have got down closer to normal (120/80). But 130/80 isn't too bad. It's considered High/Normal. I am a bit of a stresshead, so I guess I should just be careful and watch those levels. The good thing was that it also showed my heart rate was at 60bpm - which is right at the lowest end of 'Normal'. With a bit more fitness I could get into 'Athlete' territory! Woo!

The one part I failed was waist measurement. They measure right around the belly button, which isn't my smallest part (some places just take the smallest part of your torso as your "waist"). But, I would have been over 80cms anyway. I was 93cm, which, to me, was great. I know I was 120cm when I started my Optifast journey 6 months ago. So, I really can't complain about that. I'm not sure if I'll ever be one of those people that get below 80cm around the belly button. I guess I'll see when I get closer to goal weight, and have lost a few more cms from my resistance training.

All in all, I was really pleased with my results. I remember my blood glucose levels being around 7, which is getting into Type 2 Diabetes territory. I am so glad that I made some changes to my health before I got to that point.

I think it's really important to see these kind of changes in my health. It's made me stop and reflect on how much healthier I feel and how much easier it is to just be alive now. Walking, running, getting out of bed, standing for extended periods of time, doing housework, cleaning myself, getting dressed, putting on makeup, tying my shoes... all these things are so much easier now.

Really, in just 6 months I have completely turned my health around. When you put that in perspective, that really is inspiring. I was obese for years. I have had issues with eating and been at least overweight my entire teenage and adult life. But, with 6 months of hard work, I've been able to make huge changes to my health. So, if anyone is out there reading and wondering if it's worth it...? It is. It really is.

My body has put up with a lot of rubbish from me in the past. I think it deserves to be feeling better these days. And I'm promising it now that I won't stop here. I'm going to get to a healthy weight. I'm going to continue to put good, nutritious foods inside it. And I'm going to continue to give it the exercise it needs to stay strong and healthy. My body and I are worth it!

Positive Feedback

This week has been a wonderful one for receiving positive comments about my weight loss. I'm going to be a little indulgent and write them all down here so that I can be reminded of what a change I've made already.

• I went to the doctor yesterday to ask about supplements I could take that would help PMS (Evening Primrose Oil etc). Just before I was about to leave the appointment he said, "You've lost some weight, haven't you?" I beamed and said "Yes, about 40kgs!" He said "Well, it's very noticeable. I almost didn't recognise you." Then, I remembered that I had some blood tests done a couple of months ago so we quickly went over those and everything was looking good! I was particularly pleased about the Liver and Blood Sugar results as they were getting into dangerous areas a couple of years ago. I told him all about how I've started running and how I don't really want to eat the same junk foods that I used to. As I was leaving he remarked, "You really are a whole new person, on many levels!" That was just wonderful to hear!

• As I had the day off yesterday, I decided to do a little shopping. I went to Myer and saw that one of my favourite brands (from when I was younger and didn't buy Plus Size) called Review had a sale on. Normally their clothes are quite expensive, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to indulge. I bought two beautiful cardigans and a knitted jumper as well as a lovely black top. I felt very special! The best thing was that the sales assistant helping me didn't believe me for a second that I was a size 14, and even thought I might be a size 10! I ended up getting size 12s, which I was rather tickled about!

• Today at work, one of my colleagues came up to me quietly and said "I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look fantastic! When you were walking around the other day I nearly didn't recognise you. Well done. You really look great!" I think I went bright red and thanked him a million times. It was just so lovely to hear.

• Also today, as I was talking to a girl at work I am pretty friendly with, my Project Manager (a lovely older guy about 60 years old, who I have a great rapport with) interrupted us. He grabbed me and whispered to my friend "Doesn't she look, incredible?" My friend agreed, "Absolutely!"

So, while it's a little bit embarassing, I won't say I don't like it. I've started wearing makeup to work in the past couple of months, and I'm sure I'm walking around with a lot more confidence. It really is nice that people have noticed.

The best one was my doctor, though. That he noticed and was proud of me, and that we have the blood work to prove what a difference it has made on the inside. That was the greatest gift.

WIL: A bunch of kgs and dress sizes... but...
WIG: Confidence, health, pride, self-satisfaction, NEW CLOTHES!!!, better habits, better way of thinking about food, more energy, a BETTER LIFE!

Some Things Never Change

Like my style, apparently! 

I was doing up a progress shot for my 40kgs lost when I stumbled across a photo from around about 16 months ago. I can't exactly remember how much I weighed. I don't look like I was at my heaviest (120kgs), so I'm going to guess around 115kgs. It's a little hard to tell, as I was wearing a black high waisted thing that I remember I liked for it's figure-hiding abilities!!

Jan 2013 and April 2014

I had a good laugh that despite having 35-40kgs on this girl, some parts of me haven't changed a bit!

In other news... Gosh, I can't wait to hit goal weight!!!

The Bucket Is Full

I want to re-post something I wrote on the Optifast forums. It's a slightly more eloquent account of how I've been feeling lately.

My apologies if you've already read it, but I want this blog to be a complete journal. I want to be able to look back on this time and see how I low I felt and how I could make it through. Here it is:

-----
I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm really struggling at the moment. This is so hard for me right now. Most days I'm eating my 1000 calories by lunch time, and then I have to stop myself eating for the rest of the day because I've already hit my limit. And this is on days I don't exercise.

It's not eating out of hunger. I'm just... sad. Everything feels so hard. And when I think about NOT eating my feelings, I get mad. I get mad at that voice in my head trying to tell me it's a bad idea. I think "Why can't I eat my feelings? Why can't I? I want to. Even if it won't help, I really WANT TO. And I feel so helpless right now, why would you deprive me of this?"

I didn't lose this week - I stayed the same. Even though I totally deserved to gain. I think I'm doing it all wrong. I love running. I just want to run. But, my coworker makes me feel bad for not doing 5 gym classes a week with her. She says "If we skip today, we HAVE to do two tomorrow." When it comes to exercise, I do NOT like tough love. I wanted to do 1 or 2 classes a week max. And right now, I want to do none. I want to sleep.

12 more kilos to go. At least. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel it happening - that transition to when people just put all the weight back on. I feel like this is how it happens. These are the days when 1000 cals turns to 1200 and 1500 and 1800 and then I look at myself in the mirror one day and say "Ok, just be fat then". And then I just give up.

Now I get it. Now I understand that it's hard. It wasn't this hard for me before, but I feel like a leaky tap was just drip drip dripping into a bucket. And slowly the bucket filled up. And now that the bucket is full, every single drip makes it overflow. Just one little drip is too much to bear.

I'm so sorry for this post. It's not very inspiring. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay strong.
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After writing this post, things got a bit worse before they got any better. I forced myself off to the gym.... where I promptly scraped my car against a pole in the car park. In front of my gym buddy. I was so overcome with embarassment and stress that I just drove away. It was like what I wrote in the post above - one little drip keeps making the bucket overflow.

I drove away for a minute or two, then I pulled over and checked the damage. It was a scrape - pretty big, but I have already scraped it worse in other places.

I got back into the car and just cried. My gym buddy was ringing me, probably to see where I went, but I couldn't answer. I just cried because I couldn't take it.

Then I tried to think what I could do. I was so desperate. I tried ringing my old psychologist, but he was busy. Somehow, I decided I just needed to go back to the gym and do the class. I needed to brave my gym buddy, face the embarassment and work out the frustration.

Monday night we had cancelled the gym because I was tired and grumpy and sad. And that didn't work for me. It just meant that I went home and battled cravings and the urge to stress-eat all night. And I didn't feel any better for it. So, I figured I may as well go to the gym.

When I got there, my gym buddy was really great about it. I was so embarassed, but I managed to joke about it a bit. That helped. She suggested I "take it out on the bike". And I did. That was a really good suggestion.

I drove home and collapsed into boyfriend's arms. Then we went to the shops and bought me some veggies. We chopped them all up so that I could have a huge stash in the fridge. This is my plan. If I can't fight the urge to push things into my face, then those things are going to be veggies. I'm sure I could push veggies into my face all day and still lose weight.

I have a mildly optimistic feeling that yesterday was the lowest point of this trough. I am going to scramble up out of this ditch.

Thank you all for reading and supporting me. I feel the love. Thank you for hearing me and understanding me and making me remember how strong I am.

Feeling Better

I don't want to jinx myself, but I might be over my little grouchy patch. This week has been good so far. I haven't cheated and haven't been tempted to cheat.


Bit slow - but I'd rather go
non-stop than fast!

And, I've been doing better at the gym. No more light-headedness. And enough energy to make it through even back to back classes. The real test will be tonight when we do back to back Pump and then RPM. After having run twice this week and been to gym classes both Monday and Tues, it may just hit me. But, I'm going to have an extra serve of quick oats about an hour before, which I reckon will do the trick.

Also, I just feel good today, so I'm kind of excited to go the gym tonight. Which, is usually not the case. I usually drag my heels a bit.

Why am I feeling good? Uhh... probably because I completed my 28min run this morning! Without stopping, thank you very much! It's so sweet when you can conquer something you previously failed at. I've really felt like I've been glowing all day because of it.

Endorphins + sense of achievement = Happy Caitlin!

So, in closing, I will attach the following picture, which, while completely irrelvant, is uber cute! Have a good day all. :-)

Upside-down sleepy kitties are silly.

Debating

So, I will admit that I have been in a bit of a funk. I have been having doubts about whether Optifast is the right program for me right now. It has a lot going for it: mainly - I have lost nearly 35 kilos on it already! But now, with my focus on fitness, I don't know if I can make it work for me.

Despite "recommitting" on Monday I have had the following "cheats":

• Monday night I ate an extra slice of Vegetable frittata. It meant I went 300 calories over target for the day.
• Thursday night I had an Oat frittata, which is basically rolled oats and egg whites cooked in the microwave to make a sort of pancake-y thing. Recipe is from Runs for Cookies Recipes. I adapted it to use sugarfree maple syrup instead of honey, but it was still 300 calories (including the PB2 peanut butter I had on top!)

Ahem. I know, right. What is it with me and frittatas this week?

And now time for the excuses: I have run 3 times this week for 25mins (which has been tough, ok!) and on Wednesday I also did two gym classes. I have been eating a small banana before each exercise session, which has been within my calories (just) and is helping A LOT with my energy levels.

(Aside: I won't bother posting the calories I've burned because between my dodgy HRM and the apps I use, which I believe overestimate a lot, I only have a really rough idea of what I burned.)

So, you could say, in a perfect world where all calories are equal (Are they?? The internet is confusing!) and my metabolism runs like a well-oiled machine, I might have come out even. But, in terms of Optifast and the program, I am not being a good girl. And, I have always advocated that if you customise the program, then you can't blame it for not working.

I'm also not going to lie and tell you that I was super hungry those times I cheated. I wasn't. It was definitely emotional eating. Whether maybe deep down there was some energy/nutritional deficiency that spurred it on, I don't know. Maybe a bit. Or maybe I'm convincing myself I need more food, and using that as an excuse.

So what do I want?

1. I want to exercise. I want to complete the C25k and then proceed to run 5K+ 3 times per week. And I want to go to the gym at least twice per week with my colleague/gym buddy. We have a year's membership, so that's a big incentive. Even if I could write off the cost for myself, I'd still feel terrible leaving her in the lurch a bit. Part of the reason she signed up was that she thought I'd be going too.
2. I want to lose weight. I want to lose 15 more kilos. I would prefer it to keep coming off at the nice fast rate it has been, but I am prepared to go slower. Much slower, if it means I can keep exercising at the rate I want to.
3. Diet-wise I want something I can stick to. I don't want to do Optifast if it means I have to make so many unsanctioned modifications that there are too many factors involved. For example, if I start plateauing I wouldn't know what to blame or what to change.

I tried to get in contact with a Dietician this week. I checked the Optifast website for dieticians near me and found a place to contact. I used the "contact us" form on their website and then got an email reply telling me to phone their office. Well, thanks. Why don't you just put your phone number on the website then? What was the point of the form? So, that has put me off. Silly, I know. But, I am silly.

I need to get over it and contact them. I need to have a session with someone who can properly modify my diet for me and take all this guesswork away. I need a big dose of reality. And fast.

Feeling "Normal"

Just a quick update to share this little photo: 

 

I took this in the bathrooms at a friend's wedding 2 weeks ago. I was wearing an old size 16 dress from my closet (that I hadn't worn since another wedding 8 years ago!!)

For the first time in many many years, I didn't feel like I was a monster next to all the other girls. Sure, I'm a bit bigger/curvier etc - I'm a size 16 to their 10/12s. But, I still felt "normal". Like I wasn't standing out for the wrong reasons.

And, I'll admit it. I might have even felt a bit pretty!

This weight loss stuff... it's totally worth it!

The Week For It

So, it seems like this is the week where suddenly my weight loss is SUPER noticeable. Three days in a row this week I have had someone at work come up to me and remark very seriously on how much different I look. Two of them even said they barely recognised me.

They all asked me about how I've done it and about the Optifast program. They seemed really interested and supportive, and I could tell they were really trying not to offend me. It is pretty hard to tell someone how amazing they look and what a great job they've done without inadvertently implying that they didn't look that great before. But, I know that's not their intention. And they all seemed genuinely happy for me.

It has made me feel, understandably, amazing! I mean, I have had comments before. And my good friend at work tells me every couple of days how much she can notice the difference (I'm a lucky gal!). But, these past few days it really feels like I've blown some people's socks off. Granted, they aren't people I see every day - so the difference is bigger for them. But, you know what? I'm taking it. It's just so lovely and reassuring to know that I really have made a noticeable difference to my body.

-----

So, Wednesday night was a bit tough. I was, as I mentioned in this post, supposed to go to the Okkervil River concert. Well, things didn't turn out that way.

I went to a BodyPump class (resistance/barbells) with my co-worker/gym buddy after work. We had done an RPM (spinning) class on both Monday and Tuesday night. And I had also been running Monday and Wednesday mornings.

Well... my BodyPump class didn't go so well. In retrospect, I can see that I was definitely suffering from some muscle fatigue and general soreness. 



Aaaaand Tantrum... In... 3...2...1...

What was really upsetting was how when I was doing some arm lifts, my back was tensing up and hurting a bit. I'm terrified of hurting myself, so I had to stop. I hate having to stop for other reasons. I mean... if the actual muscles I was working were too sore to continue, at least I would feel like they'd gotten their workout. But, to stop because another part of my body was sore really sucked.

I also had to do the lowest/easiest exercises on offer for many of the sets. Like when we were doing lunges and squats, I had to do them without the bar. And even then I had to pause a few times. I couldn't keep up with the class, basically.

It really got to me. My friend could tell I was in a bit of a stink, too, which make me feel slightly guilty. But, she seemed to just be able to laugh about it. I'm glad because I didn't want my foul mood to ruin her experience. Or make her not want to come with me anymore!

My problem is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I expected to be able to complete the class fully - without having to stop at all. On my first time (in 2 years). Looking around the room, it seemed like it was so EASY for everyone else. And they were using WAY heavier weights! I felt like I wasn't giving it my all. But, I also felt like I had nothing left to give.

Time for a reality check?

Not even 4 months ago I was 120kgs and never exercised a single day in the week. I was sweaty all the time, and avoided physical activity like the plague. I sat in dark rooms and stuffed my face with doughnuts, chips, ice cream and litres of sugary drinks.

In just that small amount of time I have gone from walking 30mins every weekday, to running 3 times a week (and walking 2), to now doing an additional 2-3 gym sessions a week. I should be proud. But, instead I was beating myself up for not being immediately amazing at BodyPump.

I talked to my best friend and my boyfriend about it. They both reassured me that I'm doing really well, despite having an off night, and that I need to be kinder to myself. Not only will I probably be better at it the next time, but I also need to stop expecting so much. I'd already worked my body a lot in that week, so even if I wasn't new to the class, I still would have likely experienced some reduced performance.

I've been feeling better about things since then. And I apologised to my gym buddy - who just laughed and said that it was actually kind of entertaining to see me annoyed! Phew!

Unfortunately, after crying my eyes out with my silly tantrum, I decided not to go to the concert. I was really tired and just wanted a rest. Boyfriend was super understanding, thankfully. I felt a little guilty that he had to miss out too, but he said it was ok. And I really enjoyed my early night and nice big sleep.

So I am determined to go back and face my BodyPump demons next week. And take it really easy. Until I get to the point where I can complete the exercises, I am not going to increase the resistance at all. I'm just going to slowly work my way into it.

-----

Wonderfully, all my planned exercise has been completed for the week! And, I have the weekend to fully recuperate. It feels great! Last weekend my legs were kind of itching for a run, but I am quite frightened about next week's C25K plan, so I am going to hold off and reserve my energy. My best runs seem to be on Mondays after I've had a couple of rest days. And today's was pretty good after only doing a 30min casual walk yesterday. So, I want to be able to put the most into the program that I can. If I really need to do something over the weekend, I'll make it a walk.

We have a wedding to attend to on Saturday for one of Boyfriend's really good friends. So, that will be a little challenge. I'm sure the food and alcohol will be very tempting. I have no idea what food they'll be serving, but I'll be keeping away from any carbs. If there is lean protein and veggies on offer I will have those. And if I am sketchy about how they were prepared (too much oil/sauce) I will only have very small amounts. I'll pack a couple of Optifast Bars for insurance, in case I just can't eat anything.

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To all you wonderful people who stop by and have a read here, thank you! I wish you all a lovely weekend!

Lines

Tonight we are off to another concert. We're going to see Okkervil River, who are playing as part of the Perth Arts Festival. It should be pretty nice. Boyfriend and I quite like the band, and I've heard that the venue is pretty good.

Something I used to do a lot of when I went to see bands? Drink. Beer mainly. Or Cider. Of course, I never used to think about what all those "empty" calories were doing to me. I drank when I went out because I enjoyed it. Sometimes it was because I was bored, or as a social lubricant if I didn't know the people we were with that well. Sometimes it was just because it felt like the "thing to do"! Having said this - I also didn't go out that often. It seems to be music/gig season in Perth at the moment, so we're just on a little spree of outings. But, for the most part, we are homebodies.



Beyond that line... it can be a slippery slope.

I have had a stressful few days and I've just been generally grumpy and hard on myself. So, when I thought about going out tonight I thought about maybe having a beer. To kind of unwind.
...And that little thought has stirred up a whole conversation that I've been having in my head for the rest of the day.
 
On the one hand I'm thinking things like: "I haven't had beer in months, so probably one beer would be enough to make me feel quite tipsy"; "I've been doing a lot of extra exercise lately and the extra calories might give my body a bit of a shake-up and increase my loss this week"; "I need to practice having things in moderation to build up my will-power for life post-Optifast".
 
And then there's the other part of my brain saying: "I'm on Optifast - Optifast has been working really well for me, so just stick to the guidelines and stop trying to justify a cheat!" "I shouldn't give in to the temptation to fix things with food OR alcohol - this is unhealthy. If I'm stressed I should find another way to relax." And, kind of related, "I need to learn to have fun without alchohol and food. I will still have a good time without drinking, as I have at other social occasions recently".
 
So, there is a bit of back and forth going on in my head. And, the thing I'm struggling with most is... Am I being too strict? Am I too obsessed with my diet? Am I going to stress myself out so much with all this obsessive thinking that I self-sabotage?
 
I think right now that it's just too dangerous to go breaking my diet. No matter how small an impact it might have (calorie-wise). I have made poor choices my entire life, which is how I got to be so obese in the first place. Right now, especially while I'm still on Optifast, I need to listen to the diet and follow it's plan. It's not like other diets where a cheat meal or day is often even recommended. It's so much more centred on detoxing, control, and re-learning eating habits.
 
Also - I'm kind of afraid of that voice in my head that tells me to indulge, or that a little of this or that "doesn't matter". That's the same voice that got me to 120kgs. That's the same voice that kept me "on a diet" for the past 4 or so years - starting every morning, and wrecking it by the afternoon because "just a bit can't hurt".
 
So... here's a few questions for any of you reading:

• Where do you draw the line on your diet?
• Is there any time you let yourself indulge?
• Can there ever be such a thing as "moderation" for someone who's been morbidly obese and has struggled with portion control, emotional eating and binge eating?
• And also... Are all excuses just excuses? If I'm trying to rationalise something so much... is this a danger sign? Or, should I relax a bit?

I'd be really keen to hear your take on this and how you've dealt with these thoughts!

Spinning and Stuff

Last night a co-worker and I went to an RPM (Spinning) class. It was hard work - the first class always is! My co-worker said she felt it too, so at least I wasn't alone. I'm hoping that the next one goes a bit easier!

I did take it a little easy at times because I could just feel like I was on the brink of maybe being on the brink of passing out (if that makes sense). I was just conscious that I am on a VLCD and also had already exercised that day. Plus, I was due to run the following day. But, I completed it fine and by the end I still felt like I had nothing left to give - which is how I like to feel. (Don't leave anything on the track!)

I tried a Powerade Zero (mostly sugarfree - about 9-10 calories, from memory) to refuel me a bit. A couple of times on this diet I have pushed myself WAY too hard with exercise and gotten really headachey, tired and miserable. I didn't want that to happen. The Powerade Zero was pretty good - it didn't taste too artificial.

After dinner, I also decided to have a couple of eggs too. I wasn't hungry or craving, but I wanted to eat a bit extra to make up (somewhat) for the exercise I'd done and still be able to complete my run the next day. I'm mainly doing this RPM/possible other gym classes to be social and have fun. But, my main exercise goal is to do this 5km in April. So, I didn't want anything to get in the way of that.

I went over my daily calories by about 200 - but I more than made up for that with the extra exercise. So, hopefully my body is cool with that. It was only eggs too. Not like I went and had a chocolate bar and thought "Yeah, I earned that!" I'll keep an eye on my weigh ins and general well being over the next few weeks while I add this exercise in. I don't want to be eating too much or too little.

So, this morning's run was a little tough, but we still improved our overall pace from Monday - which I'm really happy about. I still feel impatient and want to be running 5km already! But, I have to just calm down and go with the flow. Regardless of how far I can run, I'm still getting in a good workout every morning, which is helping with my main goal of weight loss. And, in April, I will do that 5km. I will. So, just gotta be patient and follow the program.

Putting my trust in things other than myself is weird for me. Trusting this diet. Trusting the running program, etc. But it's been good for me. It's been good to just say "You know what? My choices to date have been poor. I have pretty much PROVEN that whatever diet/exercise plans I put into place I have been able to stick to. So, why not trust Optifast? Why not trust the C25K?" Of course, I know there is still an element of knowing yourself and making minor adaptations in some cases. But overall, it's been kind of freeing to just give up control a bit and trust in some experts.

----

In other news, I'm excited for this Friday! We are going to see The National - one of my favourite bands ever! It's going to be so great. The singer's voice is this beautiful angsty baritone... I'm sure I'm going to cry with pleasure and emotion! It's in an outdoor amphitheatre - so hopefully we can get there nice and early and get the good seats!

PB2 and Veggie Fritters

On Tuesday my order of PB2 arrived!! I am so excited about it. I have been reading about this stuff on all kinds of US-based blogs and recipe sites. So happy that I finally have some! And it's yum! I made up a serve and it tastes so much like regular peanut butter. Mind you - I haven't eaten real peanut butter in over 3 months. But, I reckon it's close enough anyway!

 
A serving size according to the label is 2 tbsp (45cals, 1.5g fat, 5g protein, 5g carbs). But I've found that 1tbsp is plenty for my needs. I have been putting it in my chocolate shakes! It's so delicious, and I've found that the added protein makes the shakes overall much more filling. I can't wait to try it on some veggie sticks!
 
Also - It's going to be great for making health bars for my boyfriend's work snacks. Can't wait to trying making all the cool things with it!

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Last night I whipped up some veggie fritters with eggs, a little low-fat cheese, some carrots and some capsicums. Yum! I had them for lunch today with a side of veggie sticks and it was really satisfying.
 
Veggie Fritters
3 x eggs
3 x egg whites
1 medium carrot, grated
1/2 medium red capsicum, diced finely
1/2 medium green capsicum, diced finely
30g Kraft Live Free cheese
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp Italian Herbs mix
 
I whisked it all together, then greased a hot frying pan with olive oil spray, then cooking til they were golden brown. I used a 1/4 cup to measure them out and it made 6 fritters.
 
Each fritter worked out to be 81 calories, 4.3g fat, 7.5g protein and 2.8g carbs. Nice! The boyfriend thought they looked really good and swiped one last night! So, I divided mine up into two serves of 2.5 and that worked out to just over 200 calories. Not bad at all.

Most of the recipes I've seen like this use zucchini instead of capsicum - but I just used what I had on hand. I reckon it would work with most veggies. Onion might be a nice one to try. Or broccoli. Yummm!

In It For the No Matter What

I was reading this amazing post by SlimKatie over at Runs for Cookies about the difference between motivation and determination. I highly recommend having a read. It really got me thinking about my journey so far.

Before reading this I probably would have used the two words interchangeably. But now that I can see the difference... I know I am determined. Of course, an awesome weight loss/fitness meme, or some amazing progress photos, or stories from those in my support groups definitely get me motivated. But, determination seems to come from within. From right inside you. Right where your values are. It doesn't come and go. If you've truly committed to something and decided that, come what may, you are going to do it - it's there. And I don't think I would be still going if I wasn't determined.

Motivation gives me a spring in my step. It makes me feel good about what I'm doing. But, that determination I have to lose this weight and change my lifestyle for good? That's what keeps me in it for the good times as well as the hard times. I'm in it for the no matter what.

After three months of Optifast, I know it hasn't always been smooth-sailing. I've whinged and whined about hunger and tiredness and exercise and self-esteem. But, I've pulled through every time. I'm still going. I haven't broken the plan. I haven't become derailed. Because at the core of me in all of those times, there was always the knowledge that I was going to keep going anyway. Even though it was hard. Even though things sucked. I never thought I was going to stop. I might have been kicking and screaming, but I wasn't getting off!

It makes me feel good to know this about myself: I am determined. Because that means I will do this. No matter how long it takes. If it takes a year, two years, five years. I will lose the weight, I will get to a healthy size, I will live a healthier life. I will be happier and so will those around me. I have never felt like this on any other diet in my life. I have never felt so strong. There was always a social event, or a binge-eating pity party, or a week without a loss just around the corner waiting to push me over.

It's different now. I'm in this for the good, the bad and the ugly. For the loose skin, the cravings, the long-winded explanations to people about my food choices, the praise, the rewards, the baggy clothes, the new clothes (one day!), the hard workouts, the sore muscles, the temptations, the awkward social situations, the awesome achievements, the friendships, the gains and the losses. I'm in this.

It feels very liberating. To know that I'm going to get there. Suddenly, I'm not in a rush anymore. There's no giant zero calorie cheesecake waiting on the finish line for me. And there never was. I won't suddenly be able to go back to the old ways of eating and living just because I'm at my goal weight. Things will be different. They need to be. And they're already changing.

I want to be the kind of person that I'm becoming. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. And stay there.

Stepping Up

Today is Day 2 of Transition for me. It's going pretty great so far. My plan is to keep it low carb (under around 70-80g, which is around the same amount of carbs I get on Optifast Intensive) so that I can try to maintain ketosis.

Yesterday my long-awaited Chicken+Avo wrap was devoured rather happily. Although it failed me a little in the execution...

I had picked out the absolutely lowest carb mountain bread I could find at the supermarket - I think it was around 13 or 14g of carbs. I piled that thing up with 100g of chicken, 30g of the Kraft Live Free 80% fat free cheese, a nice spreading of about 25g of avocado (doused in pepper!) and a little bit of baby spinach, grape tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumber, red capsicum and grated carrot. Yep, I even grated a damn carrot for this thing.

Well, immediately, as I tried to roll the thing up, it tore. So I had a chicken and avocado salad with shreds of wrap. It was still yummy. But, I learned my lesson with those wraps. Verdict - not worth the carbs! Unless I was just spreading avocado on it and rolling it up, I can't see how it could hold anything.

The good news is I just saved myself 14g of carbs a day!

If I want a wrap in future, I might try making these Cauliflower Tortillas. I've made Cauliflower Pizza Bases pretty similarly in the past and they are super yum!

So, for lunch today I just had the chicken and avocado (with a teeny tiny bit of the Live Free cheese) on a salad. Skipped the wrap completely. And it took me over 20mins to eat it. I'm such a slow eater now!

If I sound like I'm in a good mood today, it's because I am! This morning I did my first C25K program run! I'm using this awesome RunDouble app on my phone. It's pretty cool. I love how it gives you an announcement when you need to start running/start walking. It takes a lot of the thought out of it! I don't know about you, but when I'm exercising my brain doesn't do thinking very well. So not having to keep an eye on my watch or do basic arithmetic is a super plus for me!

It did take me a little while to work out how to change the settings to kilometres (instead of miles) and to change it to km's instead of minutes per km. But, I figured it out in then end!

Also, you can listen to your own music on your phone, and the app will just interrupt with those announcements when it's time. I'm not using the music yet as I'm making the boyfriend do it with me, so I just had the phone on speaker while we ran.

In terms of how the run went. Well, it was hard. I haven't run in years. When I was 120kgs I was too afraid I would hurt my knees or ankles. Plus, I was lazy - that's part of why I was as big as I was. But, I made it.

This week it's 60second runs followed by 90 second brisk walks (with a 5min walk warm up/down at the beginning/end). The first couple of intervals were easy, but then it started to hit me. I had to really push myself in the last couple of jogging stints, and some encouragement from my boyfriend was certainly welcome. But, I did all of those intervals and I made it. So, now I KNOW I can do this. It's only going to get easier from here. 5K here I come!!

The endorphins and the feeling of achievement afterwards have kept me floating all day. I feel incredible. I actually can't wait for the next run! But, I'm being sensible. We are following the program properly, so just walking tomorrow for a day off.

The other thing that hit me today was that now that I am halfway to my goal, all my future weigh ins will show less to lose than I have already lost. I will, from now on, always have lost more than is left to lose. It really does feel like I'm over the hill!

Apologies for all the self-congratulations. But, I really feel that recording days like this is important for future potential sad-Caitlin days. They are inevitable (as with everyone), but knowing that I can feel this good (especially from exercising and eating well) is really important for my journey.

WIL: Another little piece of old, lazy Caitlin.
WIG: An all-day good mood!

Distractions

This weekend (long weekend) has been pretty great so far! The boyfriend and I took the day off on Friday, and Monday is a public holiday for Australia day, so 4 day weekend - sweet?! Sweet.

Bedroom Wall Art

I have plans this weekend. I need to get started on the paving out the front - which I have been putting off like nothing else. And, to further distract me, I have been hit with a wave of inspiration to create artwork!

We bought our house about 6 months ago and before that we rented. So, we never had much to have on the walls seeing as you usually weren't allowed to drill any holes. And even then, what little we had wasn't enough to fill a 4 bedroom house. I've been looking around online and in markets/stores for some artwork for the walls. I have certain colours I'm looking for to match the decor in the rooms I already have. I have really found nothing that I liked - except pieces over $400. But, considering I need at least 5 LARGE pieces, that is a little out of my price range.

One night last week I couldn't sleep very well so I was up a lot of the night thinking. Suddenly I remembered some advice that a friend gave me many years ago. She was really into the real estate game and had been buying houses, renovating, renting them, building equity and buying more for many years. And she was only 27 (at the time). She told me that a great way of decorating for cheap was to cover canvases with fabric. 

It's funny how the old brain works. It managed to pull some great advice out of the dark recesses of my memory. And now... here I am: making art! 

Dining Room Wall Art

After dragging the poor boyfriend round $2 shops and fabric stores, I have a bag full of offcuts and a stash of cheap canvases. And a staple gun (yay!)

So, I've been making art. I've made 3 sets so far. 1 for the dining room, 1 for the bedroom and 1 for... not sure yet! It's definitely a lot of fun, and the day is flying by without my thinking much about food. And that has made me realise that being bored at work is the thing making me hungry. So, hopefully with the recent developments things will get a little more interesting there for me!

Today is a good day. And tomorrow I'll be listening to the JJJ Hottest 100/ watching Cricket /watching tennis and swimming in a pool. Life is good. 

And let me just thank everyone who has been supporting me lately. It was a little bit of a tough week with the hunger getting to me eventually. But, I'm proud to say that I haven't caved in, even when things got tough. Which is great. The more I'm strong, the stronger I am. So, thank you for being there when I didn't feel so strong here, on MFP, in the Facebook groups and on the forums. It means so much to me and it has really helped me pull through.

Not sure where these are going...

WIL: Hunger! 

WIG: Fun, distractions, some home-crafted art for my walls, and a fantastic support network (love you all).

Tea and Hunger

I'm sitting here with a hot pot of Shimmer Punch by T2 tea. It is delicious. I'm obsessed with T2. One day when I work out how to make the camera on my phone work I will take a picture of the stash of them I have at work.

This Shimmer Punch one is my current favourite. You can either make it hot or chilled, but I haven't tried having it chilled yet since something about the warmth of tea helps me with cravings and boredom hunger. I like to make up a pot (2 cups worth) and then a little later make another pot with the same tea. The second batch is much weaker - and I really like that.

Anyway, this cup is doing the job - mostly!

I've been pretty consistently hungry lately and I feel like it's wearing on me. At first I thought it might be something to do with the fact I've been having quite a few more of the New Formula shakes lately. The new ones have a bit more carbs (around 7gs more) and a bit more sugar than the old ones. My staple has usually been the Old Formula since it's a bit cheaper.

So, today and yesterday I have stuck to the old formula to see if it makes a difference. Just to see if the extra carbs were maybe pushing me out of ketosis. Or if it was the sugar giving me cravings. Well, yesterday went well but I am hungry again today.

I've cut way back on the exercise too - just waiting for Transition before I pick it up again. So, it can't be that. It could be just a psychological thing - that I'm so excited for Transition that I keep thinking about food?

My day usually goes like this:

7am - 30min Walk
7.30am - Breakfast shake with Benefibre, glass of Berocca + another 500ml water
9am - 12pm (at work) Anywhere between 1-2.5 litres of herbal tea and water
12/12.30pm - Lunch shake and salad or veggie sticks (I usually try to hold off til 12.30pm, but the girls at work like to eat at 12
2pm-5pm - Another 1-2 litres of tea and water and MASSIVE HUNGRIES (lately)
6pm - Dinner shake and either soup/salad or stir fry. Sometimes I have a dessert instead of the shake.
 
I've tried having a shake at around 3 or 4pm to stave off the hungries, but that just means that I'm hungry later when I only have veggies for dinner. I've never found veggies to be filling. If anything, I find that they make me hungrier - especially things like celery. My mushroom soup is pretty filling, but the same can't be said for salads and stir fries.

In the beginning this system was working. But now, it's really really not. I guess I just need to stick it out for 3 more days and then I can have my fruit and dairy snacks to tide me over. I haven't come this far to give in!!

In other news - things might be getting better at work (fingers crossed!) My boss came up to me this afternoon and said he wanted to send me on a Project Management course and that he wants the two of us to get a proper system in place for dealing with projects. I have been whinging about the way things are done around here for a while now - so this is great! In fact, he joked that the Project Methodology we use around here is "Crisis Management". lol. Hopefully it all goes ahead and gets approved and isn't just pie in the sky. I would really like to change things around here - but just not on my own. Plus, that kind of training is something I've wanted to do for ages and is really valuable!

Salad Jars

I found out about these little beauties from this article, but it appears that the trend has been all over the net, particularly Pinterst for some time. I bought some jars at Red Dot over the weekend for about $3 each and had my first go at making one last night.

I made up a dressing of:
- 1 tsp Olive Oil (my daily oil allowance)
- 1 tsp Balsamic Vinegar
- a shake of pepper, salt and garlic powder.

So, that went into the bottom, then some chopped mushies in on top of that to soak up the flavour. I wasn't how to order the layers of the rest of the veg. But, I knew the spinach/lettuce was supposed to go on top. Keeping the leafy stuff out of the dressing is what helps it keep fresh/unsoggy for up to 10 days in the fridge.

Anyway, mine only got to sit overnight because I took it to work for lunch today. The mushrooms had really soaked up the dresing and it was honestly bl**dy delicious!! I reckon I could make up 5 at the start of a work week and take one for lunch every day. The ones towards the end of the week would probably taste even better!

I think the idea that your meat (or mushrooms in my case) get a chance to marinate a bit in the dressing without making the whole thing go soggy is really wonderful. Then, of course, when I emptied it all out, the flavours got nice and mixed in with the whole salad.

I just love looking at it and all the pretty colours. I totally eat with my eyes. It is rather faddy, I agree, but it's just very fun and whimsical and really a cool way to get excited about salads!

Can't wait to be able to put a bit of chicken and/or cheese in there come Transition!

 



Marcie and Fyfe

In other news, the new cats are settling in pretty well. They are getting more confident around us every day. I am trying to be patient, but I really can't wait until they come and sit on our laps and give cuddles!

 

I'm feeling generally more positive this week. I've decided to just take it fairly easy on the exercise front and just stick to my walking plus a very light session of weights on Mon-Wed-Fri. I can slightly feel it in my butt today (from squats/lunges), so even a small session must be worth something!

Blood tests are on Friday morning, which I have been dreading. But, that should give the doc a good idea of how I'm doing and he should be able to recommend how I should proceed from here. Whether I do a couple of weeks of Transition and come back to Intensive or whether I just go Transition from now on. We shall see!

Egg Emergency!

Last night as I got in to bed at 9.30pm, my tummy was rumbling. Loudly. I was the hungriest I've been since that first week on Optifast. There have been moments throughout these 10 and a half weeks where I've been mildly hungry, experiencing mild cravings or just hanging out for the next shake. But nothing like this. I couldn't even comprehend how I could get to sleep in that state!

So, after a few minutes lying in bed with my stomach screaming at me, I had to get up. I racked my brain for what we had in the house. Some ham or chicken maybe? I know that Optifast allows you an extra 50-100g of lean protein when you regularly do over an hour of intensive exercise. Or if your BMI is over 35. My BMI is no longer that high and I don't think 30mins intensive + a gentle 30min walk really qualifies on the exercise front. But, I didn't care. I needed food!

I raced to the kitchen, rummaged for a small fry pan, sprayed it lightly with olive oil and popped it on the stove. Then I cracked two eggs into it and began scrambling them in the pan! No time to beat them separately. When they were cooked I ground a little black pepper onto them and tried my best to eat them slowly, taking sips of plain mineral water in between each bite.

It was ok. I was still slightly hungry, but I could handle that. I managed to get to sleep.

So, I technically "cheated" my diet. But, even in my desperate race to get something in my belly, I still had the awareness to make a good choice. The eggs are just fat and protein and won't have done any damage to my ketosis. Optifast say, "If you have to cheat, cheat with meat." (And eggs, in this instance, count as meat!)

I know why this happened. I've been pushing myself too hard on the exercise this week. I am a bit behind on my goal of 4 walks, 3 resistance band sessions, and 3 bike sessions. I've done the walks and 2 sessions with the bands, but only managed to do my first 30mins on the bike last night. I would only be getting in 2 rides max (if I did one more on the weekend). But, still. This appears to be way too much exercise for me on these restricted calories.

It might have been the intensive bike session that pushed me over the edge. I really pushed myself doing 15mins of hill intervals and then 15mins of sprint intervals. The resistance band workouts really sock it to me too. But, I feel so flabby and loose right now. I really want to tone up. I don't know...

I feel like I've gotten a bit lost in all of this lately. I am actually concerned I'm pushing myself into Starvation mode. My weight loss slowed up a bit last week, and a sneak peak today looked even worse. I don't want to stall my weight loss. I have had faith in the Optifast plan for so long now - why am I messing with it?

I still want to do my 3rd resistance band work out tonight. And then I hope to just take it easy on the weekend. It really sucks. Exercise has been making me feel so good. I don't know if I just need to persist and get used to the hunger or if I'm actually doing damage to my body and should reign it back.

Probably should see my doctor to get his advice. But the only way he's going to know is if he does tests. I've had a referral for some pathology tests for a while now, but I usually faint or near-faint every time I get blood taken. And I reckon on reduced calories it will be even worse. So, I'm afraid. And putting it off. I need to go. I'm going to have to convince myself, somehow.

I was going so well just doing 30min walks and sticking to the program. I've changed things and the results are changing. Do I care about that number on the scale more than feeling fitter and happier? Or, am I being silly trying to push the exercise? One more week til transition. With a bit more food (around 200 calories more), will that make a difference?

Lots to think about.

WIL: The plot (a bit).
WIG: Knowledge that I can cook eggs in under 3mins - get outta here Fast Food!
A bit of thinking to do.