Food Nightmares

I had another food nightmare last night. 

I've had them before. Basically I cave in to eating junk food and feel really horrible about it. Then I wake up and it takes a really long while to shake that feeling. I still am not 100% sure I didn't somehow sleep walk and sleep eat!

The worst part about this dream was not when I'd indulged in some fish and chips and ice cream. It was when I was in the dream supermarket later with the uncontrollable urge to buy some doughnuts or sweet buns. I was compelled. And in that instant I realised how I'd broken my ketosis. I felt out of control. Like I simply had to have some junk food - there was no compromise.

I woke up, shortly after, panicked. And, I'm still disturbed by this. That need for food. That desire beyond sense or reason. It's horrible to think I was once like that. Knowing that there was chocolate in the cupboard or ice cream in the fridge and being so drawn to it. Being driven to finish the packet like it was some sort of competition. 

Junk food never lasted longer than a day in our house. My boyfriend hardly got a look in.
Confession time: It had got to the point where he would have to hide his treats from me so that I wouldn't eat them all.

Chocolate, chips, ice cream, biscuits (sweet/savoury), anything from the bakery? I would eat it immediately. And then buy more. Secretly. And eat it alone. Like an alcoholic.

But I've been so good lately! How could Dream Me lose control so easily when all my old triggers haven't had a hold on me in weeks? It didn't even bother me last night when we sat down to dinner and dessert with our friends. It hasn't bothered me in weeks. I honestly look forward to my veggies. I love how they taste and how they make me feel. I enjoy the Optifast products. And, most of the time, I feel satisfied.

It's possible the dream came about because I've been thinking about Transition for a little while now. I'm a little nervous about it. Intensive phase is so easy - you never have to think about what you eat. Transition is going to be more work. Lots more conscious food decisions to make. 

Perhaps getting more prepared about it might help. Tomorrow is my End of Week 10 weigh-in, and that leaves 2 more weeks of Intensive. I've already planned my first Transition meal, but what about the rest? Perhaps I can use this time to plan out a few more meals and days in MyFitnessPal. Get my shopping lists ready to go. Maybe it was just my brain's way of telling me to get organised!

I know it was just a dream. And thank goodness it didn't happen! I am not out of ketosis. I did not break my diet. I don't want it to make me afraid of food. I need to learn from this and realise that I'm the one in control. Nothing is going in my mouth unless I want it to for the right reasons. 

WIL: A sleep in. :-(
WIG: Re-committed to my goal to never be a slave to food again!


Image found here: http://weheartit.com/entry/45786294

Resistance

I decided to try out the light (5.5kg) resistance bands anyway. Either they are WAY harder to use than weights or I am not as strong as I thought I was. So, I'm glad that I didn't take them back to replace for thicker ones! They are a little awkward getting used to, but I pushed through and did about a 20-30min workout yesterday with them! It was very hot here in Perth yesterday (and today - 44 degrees celcius OMG!) so I was a little light-headed when I was finished. I will have to be careful not to overdo it too much.

This morning I looked up a few videos on people using the resistance bands. The one I linked here I think I will try tomorrow because it looks fairly simple. I will also add in a few squats and lunges for the lower body. And maybe... *cringe* some ab exercises. 

I was reading through the Exercise Guide that comes with the bands and realised I was immediately skimming over ALL the ab ones. I HATE AB EXERCISES! Mostly because I don't have a fitball or anything so they always hurt my neck and back. But, sigh. I should probably try to find some compound exercises with the bands or something like that so that I can at least work them out a little. Small steps. Let's not get too crazy here!

Tonight we have some friends of ours coming over for dinner. We already made a berry mousse and prepped the chicken (in Lemon & Herb marinade) last night. I was very conscious not to accidentally let any spoons or fingers go into my mouth when making the mousse!  All that's left to do today is a quick whizz-around clean-up, make a nice yummy garden salad, and then an hour before they arrive, pop some potatoes and the chicken in the oven. 

I'll just have salad tonight, and an Optifast dessert for me to have while everyone else has mousse. I find it's best if I'm eating at the same time as everyone else. Not so much because I get jealous or cravings (I seem to be mostly past that) but because I feel self-conscious that I'm making others uncomfortable if I'm not eating too.

Hope everyone is having and has a great weekend! 

Drops and Droops

It's Friday. Huzzah! It has been a long tough week. First week back after the Christmas break, and my enthusiasm levels for work have been around 0.03%. But I have gradually done a bit more work each day so that I'm feeling a bit less guilty. I say this as I write a blog post at work...

I installed an app on my phone yesterday called Water Your Body. One of the girls in my Facebook support group recommended it. It makes a little watery sound every hour to remind you to check in with it and tell it how much you've drunk so far, which also motivates me take a few more sips from my drink bottle. Day 1 down and I met my recommended personal quota of 3.2 litres - so yay!

We'll see how long this lasts. Usually I'm into these things for all of a week or so. But, at least it's reminding me to drink more and also space it out a bit better instead of downing a litre when I get home because I forgot all day!

I've decided I want to set up a little workout area in our spare room at home. It already has my exercise bike in there which I've had for years and rarely use. Last night I bought some resistance bands to use in there, but when I got home I realised the 5.5kg ones I got would be too light. I wanted aroud 4-5kgs for each arm, so if I'm both arms at the same time it's only going to be about 2.75kgs each. I might go back after work and see if I can exchange them.

Next thing I need to do is get a music stand or something else to rest my iPad on so I can run YouTube video workouts to follow on there. And also to stream Foxtel (Pay TV) to watch while I'm on the bike.

The weekend we have friends coming over for dinner, which is always a bit tough since I don't eat much real food these days and I'm starting to lose touch with what a nice meal would be! I have my partner to help, though. And we also need to start marking out the front lawn for the paving I'm going to do.

It's going to be a busy one! So, I hope I get time to get started on the resistance stuff. I am starting to look might droopy and flabby!

Self-Soothing

It's not unlike me to go through little low moments where I feel generally rotten about myself. It is, however, incredibly unlike me to not deal with it by stuffing my face. I remember times (plural) when I would go to the supermarket and buy several packets of doughnuts, chips, ice cream and chocolate and sit in front of the TV or computer, mindlessly forcing days worth of calories down my throat. Sometimes I would be sick. Most of those times I would start bingeing again later that evening.

Did it ever make me feel better? Well. Yes, I think in those brief moments between the pre-guilt and the post-guilt I was mildly happy. Or, perhaps a better word for it would be "numb". I was numb. In that fleeting sugar-induced haze I was feeling like the things that were bothering me had vanished.

Only problem was? Afterwards I was often too full to even sit up. My heart would be racing with the elevated blood sugar and I would feel like sleeping. And the mood would fall again. Almost immediately. So, I would be back where I started, with another who-even-knows how many extra thousands of calories on board. I'd compounded the problem.

The more I did it, the more I did it. The more habitual it became. And the more reasons I gave myself to feel bad about myself.

I am so glad I have broken that cycle. I'm fully aware that it's only 9 or 10 weeks behind me. But, I am determined to never kick it off again.

I have been feeling a little down about myself lately. Really criticising my skin, how un-toned I am and how stupid I look in these big baggy clothes now. But, I haven't dealt with it in the old way. I also, don't really seem to want to.

I think it's a combination of my success so far and ketosis. Momentum is a wonderful thing. And, as I've written before, I really believe in this diet. I know it won't always be massive losses, but I know I will still continue to lose if I follow the program. I don't want to sabotage this. I'm onto a good thing here!

The ketosis too, is so powerful. Not being hungry and, at many times being so un-hungry that I couldn't even stomach the thought of eating, really seems to combat any tiny thoughts about old habits returning. It's for this reason I plan to trying to stay fairly low carb throughout Transition and probably for life. I may not (or even perhaps should not) maintain ketosis forever, but I still feel like I will have more control keeping the carbs, and especially processed carbs, to a minimum.

The best thing I think about not resorting to binge eating in order to self-soothe? It's that whatever else I do to get through it (whether it be a few cups of my favourite teas, a walk, or snuggling up on the couch with a blanket and some trashy television) doesn't hurt me in any way. It feels much cleaner today. Much lighter. Like I haven't added any extra load (emotional or physical). I feel so much freer to just move on now and not have to deal with the legacy of other bad emotions that binge eating to feel better gave me.

Why Am I Doing This?

I often find myself thinking about why I am doing Optifast instead of some other diet or calorie counting. I think it has a lot to do with all the reading I do on weightloss forums. There seems to be a real stigma against Very Low Calorie Diets (VLCD) or anything involving shakes.

I've been using MyFitnessPal to track my weight loss, food and exercise. It's mainly so I can keep control over the veggie recipes I concoct and all the little extra things I might pop in my mouth each day - sugarfree gum/lollies/jelly etc. It can add up.

While on there I occasionally browse the community forums. There is one thread I look at occasionally, which is titled something like "Any other Optifast users out there?". Many of my friends on the site have come from this thread. This thread though, is honestly a bit of a minefield. For every second honest Optifast user there, there is somebody who needs to make a point about "liquid diets being unsustainable", "unhealthy" or how we're all "going to put all that weight back on straight away".

And so, it does make me think. And ask myself, "Why am I doing this, again?" "Why aren't I just calorie counting?"

Well, there are two parts to my answer, I've realised. The first part is why I started Optifast in the first place: I was desperate, my doctor recommended it, and I had family members that had had success with it.

I had tried calorie counting and exercising like mad at the gym. And I won't lie and tell you they didn't work. They did! I lost about 15kgs at the beginning of 2012 doing exactly that. But, like every other diet I've been on since I was 15 - I didn't stick at it. In March 2012 I went on a family holiday and while trying to be good, I ended up giving in to the family meals out at restaurants, and the ice creams on the beach, and all that jazz.

After years of what I guess is called yo-yo dieting, I had pretty much given up on my ability to achieve any meaningful and permanent weight loss. Convincing myself night after night that I could get away with carrying more weight. That I wasn't THAT fat. That I didn't care if I was overweight, I only cared about being happy.

In the past I'd had some bloodwork done that showed I was pretty high on the blood sugar levels and had some fatty liver syndrome happening. At the time the doctor had recommended Optifast. So, I'd given some weight to the diet as more than just some fad.

Additionally, a couple of family members had been put on the diet by their doctors and had some great successes.

And the second part? Why I continue to do Optifast? Because I believe in the journey.

I'm not one to just accept what a packet or an advertisement tells me. I have read all about ketosis, and the various stages of the diet that re-teach you how to eat in the real world. I know there are blow-ins that throw back a few shakes for a few weeks before their wedding to shed 5kgs or so, but that's not what I'm doing here. I'm going through all those phases, dammit! And I'm going to learn what my body needs to live and maintain a healthy weight.

Already on the 10th week of the Intensive Phase, I have noticed changes. I am so thankful for doing this stage as it has been an incredible break and detox. I feel like my body has been going through these stages of bargaining with me for what it wants. LIke every craving has been slowly narrowing it down to what it really needs. Not just what the fast food commercial says looks good.

"What about a hamburger? Wouldn't a big juicy hamburger with a plate full of thick cut chips and garlic aoili be just what we need right now?"

   No, I can't have that.

"What about just the hamburger? Scrap the chips! A nice patty with some cheese and relish and a lovely toasted bun. We could even put some lettuce and tomato on it?"

   No, I can't have that.

"Ok... what about a toasted cheese sandwich?"

   No, I can't have that.

"You know what? What I really want? I would like a Chicken and avocado wrap."

   Oh... well, you know what? We might be able to swing that, body!

And so, in about Week 4 I planned out my first Transition meal in MyFitnessPal. It's going to be a chicken and avocado wrap on wholegrain mountain bread, with 30g of cheese and all my favourite salad veggies. It's 386 calories. Perfect since our Transition meals need to be around 400 cals. And with about 26g carbs it should probably be ok to keep me under 80 or so grams of carbs for the day so that I can stay relatively low carb.

I really like that eventually, after not having that addictive sugary/salty/fatty food, my body has started to be more reasonable. It's craving things like avocado, eggs and strawberries. Healthy foods that I'm just not allowed to have in this stage, but will again in just under 3 weeks when I move to Transition. I really really like that. I reckon that's a good sign!

I also love the idea of the Transition stage introducing one real meal a day, then the Maintenance 2 and then eventually the Stabilisation not having any Optifast products at all. It's not forcing me to suddenly have to think of 3 healthy meals a day to eat. I'm going to learn gradually and at a safe pace.

So, when you couple the two parts together, I feel very convinced that I'm doing the right thing for me. I feel like while I might not have been exactly sure why it was the best thing for me when I started, I am utterly certain now.

WIL: My cravings for chocolate and most of my cravings for salty fast food.
WIG: A whole new obsession with avocado. I wonder if it will be as good as I want it to be once I eventually eat it?

Good Reasons

Yesterday I got carried away. I was trying to find some old pictures I could use as my "before" photos. I was too full of self-loathing to take any proper ones when I started. Plus, I think part of me didn't believe I would actually get past a few days of the diet anyway.

I have actually tried Optifast before. Not properly. I didn't know how to do it properly. My doctor had suggested it in the past when I'd complained about finding it hard to stick to a diet. I'd bought the shakes and proceeded to have them for Breakfast, then Lunch... then by the afternoon I would be so hungry I'd binge on a mighty bowl of pasta and then dessert and then... try again tomorrow?

I hadn't read enough (or opened the brochure that comes with the packet, duh) to know I should be eating 2+ cups of veg a day. AND a tsp of oil. Trust me, that little spoon is something. I can really taste the difference when I have that on my salad. And, it may just be in my head, but I reckon it helps with the fullness factor too.

And I also hadn't read about the 3-day challenge. If I had known then that all I needed to do was stick it out and be hungry for 3 days and then it would stop? Well, who knows. But I do remember at the time thinking "What's the point? I can't do this! How can I resign myself to being this hungry FOREVER?!"

But, I did do my reading this time. And here we are. But, no proper "before" photos.

And so I was browsing through Facebook photos trying to find ones that properly show my extra chins or actually showcases my body. Both of which are actually hard to find. Not because they don't exist but because I actively avoid posting those ones and remove any tags my friends link me to.

Needless to say, there was still enough evidence to show what I did look like. I think there might be a small difference. But, I had to really analyse it. Which got me a little down. Because once I'm scrutinising myself that closley it's hard to turn it off! Not only was it harder than I thought it should be to see a noticeable difference. But, now I was scrutinising what I currently look like!

I was staring at myself in the mirror thinking, "You've lost 20 kilos and you're still obese". Great mindset that. I've generally been so positive throughout this journey.

I told my friend at work what I was thinking this morning and she said, "Well, I'm here to tell you you look fantastic!" I'm choosing to take that on board and believe it. And not try to qualify it or dismiss it in my head like I would usually do. Yesterday I was feeling fantastic, so why not believe I look it too?

And you know what? I can't actually think of any good reason not to.

Week 9

End of Week 9!! Can you believe it?! I might have to pinch myself to believe that I have been on a diet for over 2 months now! Incredible.

So... guess what!?! I am in DOUBLE DIGITS, baby!! 98.4kgs as of this morning! I am THRILLED to say the least. I just went and crossed off my second goal! I have also added in another goal of 25kgs lost - because that is my halfway point.

It is my first day back to work after 2 weeks off over Xmas and New Year and I am almost floating on air! I am starting to look like a bit of a dork in my baggy work shirts, but oh well! I MUCH prefer them this loose to when they were so tight that I couldn't lift my arms. Two months ago if I had to do a lot of photocopying and bending over that day, I would make sure to wear the slightly looser one so that I didn't cut the circulation off in my arms! Oh how uncomfortable it was to be that big.

I had a pretty big week this week. My sister was over from Melbourne and staying with us. We took her all about Perth and there were MANY lunches and dinners out. I think (to my major dismay!) I only got to have ONE of my mushroom soups. The rest were garden salads at whatever restaurant we were at! It gets annoying having to specially ask for their side salad with no cheese, no beetroot, no dressing or whatever that many times in a week! But, I did it. FAR better to be slightly annoyed than have indulged for a silly reason like saving myself the hassle!

We went to Rottnest one day and as we walked down to the beach (and later back up the beach) I noticed how my boyfriend and sister were walking so much quicker than me across the sand. I was honestly trying to keep up as best as I could and realised that it was probably because I was so heavy that I was sinking into the sand more and it was harder for me to move quickly. I really look forward to the day I can keep up on the sand!

Another thing happened this week, and it's a bit sad, so I do apologise for sharing. Unfortunately, my cat had to be put down. It was a very sad couple of days for me with him being sick and then ultimately having to be put to sleep. I don't remember the last time I cried that much. The reason why I mention it though, is because of how it affected me food wise. There were a couple of times when I went to the fridge for some water and thought about the Snickers ice creams in the fridge. Or the Lindt chocolates in the cupboard. But, amazingly, they were fairly fleeting thoughts. The other thing that I noticed was that I actually lost my appetite. Which, I think I've heard of other (normal sized) people experiencing. I've never in my life noticed that I actually didn't want to eat when I was sad. Probably because I was so busy stuffing my face full of sugar and fat in the hope that it would cheer me up. It made me realise that those times I was never actually hungry - just craving things that I thought made me feel better. I only ate 2 opti meals that day + my veggies. It's a once off so I'm not particularly worried about it. I just wanted to remark upon it because I think it might have been a significant point in my weight loss journey.

So, all in all a very big week for me! But, I have come out of it smiling and realising just how strong I am and how much I DON'T need junk food to make me feel good. It's amazing just how much less important food has become in my life. I honestly am starting to think of my meals as something I need because I'm hungry and will need the energy/nutrients. Not something to make me feel good or have fun.

Oh, and I need to think of another reward to get myself for my 20kgs/double digits goal being achieved. I was going to get a manicure, but last week I broke one of my nails and had to cut the rest of them to make them the same length. Still, I'm not too disappointed because the whole deal with that was that I stopped biting my nails! So, I know they will grow again. My GOSH it looks so much nicer to have nicely trimmed short nails, then bitten and red and sore ones!! I might save the manicure for my 30kgs goal reward.

If you have any reward ideas, let me know! I was thinking maybe a hair cut and colour. I haven't had one of those in a while - it's amazing how much beauty stuff you let go when you don't feel good about yourself because of your weight!

WIL: 1.9kgs... and a grand total of (my very long awaited first major goal of) 21.6kgs lost!!; An extra digit column on the scales - no longer required!; And very sadly, a beautiful kitty cat that I loved dearly.
WIG: So much more confidence in myself; an even stronger willpower muscle; some awesome priceless time with my sis; the ability to look at what I can do and think, "Wow, I am pretty amazing!"; maybe a new way of looking at food??