Taking Some Advice

So, hi. I've been a bad blogger. I've lost my direction when it comes to weight loss, and so I've lost my desire to blog. But, a lovely, supportive friend (Optifast Adventurer) said to me that it might be of some use to keep blogging during this time. She's very wise, so I'm betting she could be right. It could help me clear a few things up in my head. And it could help anyone reading to see the hard times that one can go through. Perhaps it might just make one other person feel not so alone.

So, what's been happening? Well, a couple of months ago I got given a $4M project to manage at my work. My usual gig there is Document Control, but I've always been one of those people that do what needs to be done, so I've had a lot of extra involvement in projects anyway. My company has recently realised the importance of allocating an individual person to oversee the projects, and, in the absence of anyone else to do it, they gave it to me. 

It's been a bit of a learning curve and a lot of extra work and responsibility. I have been experiencing a lot of extra stress and anxiety. In the beginning, I decided to shift my focus from dieting to work for a while because I thought that working a bit harder at this time would pay off for me. However, it really seems like it won't. So, that has actually caused me a lot more depression and anxiety.

I haven't been able to get back on track. I sort of haven't wanted to either. I've wanted to have a bit of freedom from restriction for a while. Every time I get stressed my mind says "Eat some chocolate, you need it. You deserve it."

When I was on Optifast, I would tell myself that I didn't need junk food to make me feel better. That it would only make me feel worse. And I was right. I know that it won't make me feel better because every day when I eat it I feel worse. It's only those few moments when I'm putting food into my mouth, chewing and swallowing that I feel absent from fears and sadness. But once it's in my stomach, new fears and sadnesses are there too. I feel like a useless addict. I feel like a slave to something that is trying to kill me. 

I know I'm not powerless. I know I am making choices. I am the one going to the supermarket and buying hordes of secret junk food to hide for myself. I do this because if my boyfriend and I buy junk food for the both of us, I will end up eating it all and he will get none. And then I will feel even more guilt. (He likes to have some biscuits and desserts around for a snack every now and then - he can eat in moderation.)

But, I do feel heavily addicted. I feel sad when I try to make a healthier choice. Like, I'm being torn away from my crutch. I also feel lost. I don't want to eat salads anymore. And I can't think of healthier foods to have easily on hand. I make soups, but I bore of them quickly. 

I have started Optifast again so many mornings. I'll get up and have a bar or a shake for breakfast. Then I'll get into work and read an email that will stress me out or upset me and then I'll just feel desperate and out of control. I have been trying some breathing and meditation. It does help a little. But chocolate helps the best. 

Until I step on the scales again and a few more hundred grams are there. This morning I've crept up to 81.5kgs. The lowest I got down to was around 79kgs. I did hang around that mark for most of May and June. But July I haven't seen under 80. I have been 80.5, 80.2, 80.8 most days. This morning was a bit of a rude shock, actually. I did have a few beers and a lot of pizza last night, though, so perhaps there is 500g or so of carby water weight in there.

I haven't been running in a while. My boyfriend and I both injured ourselves training for a 12km run in August. We have since dropped out, unfortunately. The injuries weren't too bad, but since we needed to follow a plan to progressively run further and further each week, we weren't going to make the 12km (without hurting ourselves again) in time. I think we are going to just stick to around 5km once or twice a week for now. Today is going to be the first run we've done in a while.

I have been walking most mornings for 30mins to try and keep some exercise up. I have found it helps me start the day better and it's helpful for stress management. 

My stress is just through the roof at the moment. It's very tricky. I know that what really helps stress is a healthy diet. But, I am finding it hard to stick to anything when I'm stressed. It's sort of a catch 22.

I need the right attitude back again. I need that determination I had back all those months ago. That girl lost 40kgs! I might have put back on one or two, but that damage isn't insurmountable. 

The plan is to just start doing the Optifast Intensive again (3 meals a day + 4 cup of veg + 1 tsp of oil). Just for a week or two to get re-focussed. Then I'll slip back into Transition again when I have 1 ~400 cal meal a day plus a serve of dairy and a serve of fruit. But, I haven't been able to get that far in all the weeks I've been trying.

So, the mini-plan is just to take a deep breath and take one day at a time. One MEAL at a time! Today is the challenge. I can make it through one day. I can follow the plan for one day. I can do this.