The Week For It

So, it seems like this is the week where suddenly my weight loss is SUPER noticeable. Three days in a row this week I have had someone at work come up to me and remark very seriously on how much different I look. Two of them even said they barely recognised me.

They all asked me about how I've done it and about the Optifast program. They seemed really interested and supportive, and I could tell they were really trying not to offend me. It is pretty hard to tell someone how amazing they look and what a great job they've done without inadvertently implying that they didn't look that great before. But, I know that's not their intention. And they all seemed genuinely happy for me.

It has made me feel, understandably, amazing! I mean, I have had comments before. And my good friend at work tells me every couple of days how much she can notice the difference (I'm a lucky gal!). But, these past few days it really feels like I've blown some people's socks off. Granted, they aren't people I see every day - so the difference is bigger for them. But, you know what? I'm taking it. It's just so lovely and reassuring to know that I really have made a noticeable difference to my body.

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So, Wednesday night was a bit tough. I was, as I mentioned in this post, supposed to go to the Okkervil River concert. Well, things didn't turn out that way.

I went to a BodyPump class (resistance/barbells) with my co-worker/gym buddy after work. We had done an RPM (spinning) class on both Monday and Tuesday night. And I had also been running Monday and Wednesday mornings.

Well... my BodyPump class didn't go so well. In retrospect, I can see that I was definitely suffering from some muscle fatigue and general soreness. 



Aaaaand Tantrum... In... 3...2...1...

What was really upsetting was how when I was doing some arm lifts, my back was tensing up and hurting a bit. I'm terrified of hurting myself, so I had to stop. I hate having to stop for other reasons. I mean... if the actual muscles I was working were too sore to continue, at least I would feel like they'd gotten their workout. But, to stop because another part of my body was sore really sucked.

I also had to do the lowest/easiest exercises on offer for many of the sets. Like when we were doing lunges and squats, I had to do them without the bar. And even then I had to pause a few times. I couldn't keep up with the class, basically.

It really got to me. My friend could tell I was in a bit of a stink, too, which make me feel slightly guilty. But, she seemed to just be able to laugh about it. I'm glad because I didn't want my foul mood to ruin her experience. Or make her not want to come with me anymore!

My problem is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I expected to be able to complete the class fully - without having to stop at all. On my first time (in 2 years). Looking around the room, it seemed like it was so EASY for everyone else. And they were using WAY heavier weights! I felt like I wasn't giving it my all. But, I also felt like I had nothing left to give.

Time for a reality check?

Not even 4 months ago I was 120kgs and never exercised a single day in the week. I was sweaty all the time, and avoided physical activity like the plague. I sat in dark rooms and stuffed my face with doughnuts, chips, ice cream and litres of sugary drinks.

In just that small amount of time I have gone from walking 30mins every weekday, to running 3 times a week (and walking 2), to now doing an additional 2-3 gym sessions a week. I should be proud. But, instead I was beating myself up for not being immediately amazing at BodyPump.

I talked to my best friend and my boyfriend about it. They both reassured me that I'm doing really well, despite having an off night, and that I need to be kinder to myself. Not only will I probably be better at it the next time, but I also need to stop expecting so much. I'd already worked my body a lot in that week, so even if I wasn't new to the class, I still would have likely experienced some reduced performance.

I've been feeling better about things since then. And I apologised to my gym buddy - who just laughed and said that it was actually kind of entertaining to see me annoyed! Phew!

Unfortunately, after crying my eyes out with my silly tantrum, I decided not to go to the concert. I was really tired and just wanted a rest. Boyfriend was super understanding, thankfully. I felt a little guilty that he had to miss out too, but he said it was ok. And I really enjoyed my early night and nice big sleep.

So I am determined to go back and face my BodyPump demons next week. And take it really easy. Until I get to the point where I can complete the exercises, I am not going to increase the resistance at all. I'm just going to slowly work my way into it.

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Wonderfully, all my planned exercise has been completed for the week! And, I have the weekend to fully recuperate. It feels great! Last weekend my legs were kind of itching for a run, but I am quite frightened about next week's C25K plan, so I am going to hold off and reserve my energy. My best runs seem to be on Mondays after I've had a couple of rest days. And today's was pretty good after only doing a 30min casual walk yesterday. So, I want to be able to put the most into the program that I can. If I really need to do something over the weekend, I'll make it a walk.

We have a wedding to attend to on Saturday for one of Boyfriend's really good friends. So, that will be a little challenge. I'm sure the food and alcohol will be very tempting. I have no idea what food they'll be serving, but I'll be keeping away from any carbs. If there is lean protein and veggies on offer I will have those. And if I am sketchy about how they were prepared (too much oil/sauce) I will only have very small amounts. I'll pack a couple of Optifast Bars for insurance, in case I just can't eat anything.

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To all you wonderful people who stop by and have a read here, thank you! I wish you all a lovely weekend!

Lines

Tonight we are off to another concert. We're going to see Okkervil River, who are playing as part of the Perth Arts Festival. It should be pretty nice. Boyfriend and I quite like the band, and I've heard that the venue is pretty good.

Something I used to do a lot of when I went to see bands? Drink. Beer mainly. Or Cider. Of course, I never used to think about what all those "empty" calories were doing to me. I drank when I went out because I enjoyed it. Sometimes it was because I was bored, or as a social lubricant if I didn't know the people we were with that well. Sometimes it was just because it felt like the "thing to do"! Having said this - I also didn't go out that often. It seems to be music/gig season in Perth at the moment, so we're just on a little spree of outings. But, for the most part, we are homebodies.



Beyond that line... it can be a slippery slope.

I have had a stressful few days and I've just been generally grumpy and hard on myself. So, when I thought about going out tonight I thought about maybe having a beer. To kind of unwind.
...And that little thought has stirred up a whole conversation that I've been having in my head for the rest of the day.
 
On the one hand I'm thinking things like: "I haven't had beer in months, so probably one beer would be enough to make me feel quite tipsy"; "I've been doing a lot of extra exercise lately and the extra calories might give my body a bit of a shake-up and increase my loss this week"; "I need to practice having things in moderation to build up my will-power for life post-Optifast".
 
And then there's the other part of my brain saying: "I'm on Optifast - Optifast has been working really well for me, so just stick to the guidelines and stop trying to justify a cheat!" "I shouldn't give in to the temptation to fix things with food OR alcohol - this is unhealthy. If I'm stressed I should find another way to relax." And, kind of related, "I need to learn to have fun without alchohol and food. I will still have a good time without drinking, as I have at other social occasions recently".
 
So, there is a bit of back and forth going on in my head. And, the thing I'm struggling with most is... Am I being too strict? Am I too obsessed with my diet? Am I going to stress myself out so much with all this obsessive thinking that I self-sabotage?
 
I think right now that it's just too dangerous to go breaking my diet. No matter how small an impact it might have (calorie-wise). I have made poor choices my entire life, which is how I got to be so obese in the first place. Right now, especially while I'm still on Optifast, I need to listen to the diet and follow it's plan. It's not like other diets where a cheat meal or day is often even recommended. It's so much more centred on detoxing, control, and re-learning eating habits.
 
Also - I'm kind of afraid of that voice in my head that tells me to indulge, or that a little of this or that "doesn't matter". That's the same voice that got me to 120kgs. That's the same voice that kept me "on a diet" for the past 4 or so years - starting every morning, and wrecking it by the afternoon because "just a bit can't hurt".
 
So... here's a few questions for any of you reading:

• Where do you draw the line on your diet?
• Is there any time you let yourself indulge?
• Can there ever be such a thing as "moderation" for someone who's been morbidly obese and has struggled with portion control, emotional eating and binge eating?
• And also... Are all excuses just excuses? If I'm trying to rationalise something so much... is this a danger sign? Or, should I relax a bit?

I'd be really keen to hear your take on this and how you've dealt with these thoughts!

Week 15



15 weeks in and feeling good!

15 weeks down! I had to double-check that. 15 weeks sounds like an eternity. But, it really does fly by. I think the first few weeks dragged the most, but once I hit my stride... it has just seemed to flow.

A friend of mine at work told me that when she lost a lot of weight a few years ago, she used to go to bed wishing she could just wake up thin. Then, one day... she did! After all this time, I'm starting to see how that can happen. For the past 15 weeks I could have NOT been on this diet. I could have not been making changes, and still be in the same old rut. I see the value of progress, however fast or slow it is. And one day soon, I am going to wake up at my goal weight.

The other thing that's been nice has been that I've had something else to focus on for a while. Doing the C25K, and starting the gym with another coworker has given me a great distraction. Instead of watching the numbers, I've been feeling my fitness grow and been focusing on recovering from those exercise sessions. I've also been super conscious of eating good things to help me exercise - keeping the higher carb stuff for pre-exercise and the higher protein stuff for after. It really does feel like I'm eating for fuel now. When planning my meals, I honestly think about how the food will help me, not about how it will taste or how I will enjoy it.

This week I lost 700g! I was so relieved because I'd weighed myself a few times during the week (naughty!) and hadn't been seeing much progress at all. I had kind of been expecting a smaller loss this week since every time I've stepped up the exercise my losses have slowed. Especially when there is resistance training involved. I'm totally ok with it. And I don't think 700g is a small loss at all. I think it's quite a big one - just not 1kg+ like it's been pretty consistently for me.

There is no way I'm giving up this exercise because it makes me feel too good. It's doing wonders for my mood and energy levels. As long as the losses keep coming, whatever their size, I'll be happy. It will actually be interesting to see how the losses continue (smaller, greater or similar etc.)

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This weekend I got organised with my food. Boyfriend and I did a big shop and got everything planned for our lunches and dinners. I made some cauliflower pizza bases and topped them with low sodium tomato paste, zucchini, baby spinach, cherry tomatoes, capsicum, mushroom and some of the Kraft Live Free cheese. I made two small bases and divided them into 4 servings at 240 cal each. Then I have that with a small side salad for a meal. Yum!

I got given a dozen free eggs at work last week, so I made up some little frittata/muffin cup things with spinach, grated zucchini and home made oven-dried tomatoes. Yum! They're all individually packed in the freezer ready to go as a mini protein snack for my big exercise days. Or I can have a couple with salad for a meal.

I also made some yoghurt this weekend! They had the Easiyo yoghurt makers on sale for $12 at my local supermarket, and I am sick of paying up to $2 for a single serve of low sugar greek yoghurt, so I decided to go for it. The Easiyo packet mixes aren't that economical, but I'd read that you can make your own yoghurt from scratch with just UHT milk, milk powder and a few spoons of a good commercial yoghurt. My first effort turned out SUPER runny, which I have read is pretty common when you only use Skim Milk. So, I just strained it through a tea towel for a bit (like Greek Yoghurt) and it's now super thick and delicious. It's nice on its own, but a tsp of Stevia and some blueberries makes it divine!!

I'm going to try using Almond Milk next, as that has a higher fat content and may make for a thicker yoghurt. But, because it's lower carb, the total calories should still be lower. I think?! It's a bit hard to know with making your own yoghurt. Regardless - it's fun, way cheaper, and pretty satisfying to know you made it yourself.

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In running news, I have completed 3 weeks of the C25K! I have been wondering for a while how that would translate to just non-stop running. So on Saturday night when I was feeling snacky and hovering around the kitchen I decided to go out for a test run! I programmed a 2km fun run into my running app and set off. It felt great, then good, then tough, tougher and ouccchhh! But, I made it. I didn't stop. I ran 2km in 15min, which isn't bad for a newbie! I was so proud of myself and told almost everyone, haha!

 

I was glad I had clocked up a 15min run on the weekend because it helped me feel more confident for Week 4 of the C25K. A few people have mentioned that it might get a little difficult and I may need to repeat weeks. And when I saw what the Week 4 runs were, I understood. Seriously, I think they should re-think Week 3 and 4 (at least in my program) because Week 3 wasn't much of a step up from Week 2 and now Week 4 is a huge increase! It's this:

 

- 5 min walking warm up (as usual)

- 3 min running, 90 sec brisk walking

- 5 min running, 3 min brisk walking

- 3 min running, 90 sec brisk walking

- 5 min running

- 5 min walking cool down

 

So... suddenly it goes from 9mins total running time (Week 3) to 16 mins total running time. Bit of a jump, you think? That's almost twice as long! And week 2 was only 9mins total running time too, so it's a little odd. But anyway, we did it. I really really struggled in the last 5min running interval, but I was just detemined to finish it, regardless of the time. And I did finish, and also didn't die - which I was pretty sure was going to happen at the time!

 

You can see I really faded out towards the end!

 

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Oh... and P.S.~ The concert on Friday night was AWESOME! I've never been to a better gig. SO glad we got there early. What a way to spend Valentine's Day! Under the stars watching one of my favourite bands? Perfect!

 

WIL: 700g! (Also, must check on those cms!)

WIG: Fitness (yay). Self-esteem and pride from doing things I couldn't do before (running 2km!). Home made yoghurt - nom!



Spinning and Stuff

Last night a co-worker and I went to an RPM (Spinning) class. It was hard work - the first class always is! My co-worker said she felt it too, so at least I wasn't alone. I'm hoping that the next one goes a bit easier!

I did take it a little easy at times because I could just feel like I was on the brink of maybe being on the brink of passing out (if that makes sense). I was just conscious that I am on a VLCD and also had already exercised that day. Plus, I was due to run the following day. But, I completed it fine and by the end I still felt like I had nothing left to give - which is how I like to feel. (Don't leave anything on the track!)

I tried a Powerade Zero (mostly sugarfree - about 9-10 calories, from memory) to refuel me a bit. A couple of times on this diet I have pushed myself WAY too hard with exercise and gotten really headachey, tired and miserable. I didn't want that to happen. The Powerade Zero was pretty good - it didn't taste too artificial.

After dinner, I also decided to have a couple of eggs too. I wasn't hungry or craving, but I wanted to eat a bit extra to make up (somewhat) for the exercise I'd done and still be able to complete my run the next day. I'm mainly doing this RPM/possible other gym classes to be social and have fun. But, my main exercise goal is to do this 5km in April. So, I didn't want anything to get in the way of that.

I went over my daily calories by about 200 - but I more than made up for that with the extra exercise. So, hopefully my body is cool with that. It was only eggs too. Not like I went and had a chocolate bar and thought "Yeah, I earned that!" I'll keep an eye on my weigh ins and general well being over the next few weeks while I add this exercise in. I don't want to be eating too much or too little.

So, this morning's run was a little tough, but we still improved our overall pace from Monday - which I'm really happy about. I still feel impatient and want to be running 5km already! But, I have to just calm down and go with the flow. Regardless of how far I can run, I'm still getting in a good workout every morning, which is helping with my main goal of weight loss. And, in April, I will do that 5km. I will. So, just gotta be patient and follow the program.

Putting my trust in things other than myself is weird for me. Trusting this diet. Trusting the running program, etc. But it's been good for me. It's been good to just say "You know what? My choices to date have been poor. I have pretty much PROVEN that whatever diet/exercise plans I put into place I have been able to stick to. So, why not trust Optifast? Why not trust the C25K?" Of course, I know there is still an element of knowing yourself and making minor adaptations in some cases. But overall, it's been kind of freeing to just give up control a bit and trust in some experts.

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In other news, I'm excited for this Friday! We are going to see The National - one of my favourite bands ever! It's going to be so great. The singer's voice is this beautiful angsty baritone... I'm sure I'm going to cry with pleasure and emotion! It's in an outdoor amphitheatre - so hopefully we can get there nice and early and get the good seats!

Week 14

And that's the end of Week 14. I'm still blown away at how long I've been on this diet. Even though, the amount I've lost on Optifast has been pretty quick - I still marvel at how I've managed to stay committed. I think the larger losses are a great motivator. And the simplicity.

This week I weighed in at 91.9kgs. That seems like such a small number to me! In a couple of weeks I might even be in the 80s... gosh. My scales also kindly informed me that my BMI was 31.8 (closing in on sub-30/overweight territory!) and that my body age was 49! Yesss - out of the 50s! Super super stoked.

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It's week 3 of the Couch to 5K this week, and I really feel like we're getting into the swing of things. This round is:
- 5 min walk warm up
- 90 sec run / 90 sec walk
- 3 min run / 3  min walk
- 90 sec run / 90 sec walk
- 3 min run
- 5 min walk cool down

So it's actually only 25mins total, compared to 29min last week. I had a bit of trepidation about the jump to a 3min interval (the longest we'd done before was 90 secs), but I think  it went pretty well. The last 3min interval was tough and I felt like I was fighting with my legs to move for most of the last minute. But overall it was pretty easy. We are going to try and up the pace in the next two runs this week to increase the difficulty.

I just love running! It gives me such an all-day lift. I'm kind of tempted to add in another run on the weekend where I can test my skills and see how long I could run for. Partly because I'm impatient and want to just run 2km straight, and partly because of those addictive addictive endorphins! But, I don't want to push myself and ruin my body for the program. I guess I should be patient. Patience has worked well for me so far.

I haven't touched the resistance bands or weights since I got so light headed and hungry about a month ago. I was going to wait until I was on Transition... but I haven't done anything about that yet. I guess I've just been focusing on running, and making sure I'm still in control with food. What I just said sounds a bit... excusey? Maybe I'll look into incorporating a quick 10-15min resistance workout twice this week and see how it goes.

I'm actually a little bit in love with my body right now. That sounds so conceited! Slowly this thin waist is starting to appear. And sometimes when I look down at what I previously defined as "thunder thighs" I think - hey they look ok. My legs are kinda nice! Week by week this body that I really like is starting to emerge. I'm not going to fight it - liking myself is something I should have started a long time ago. And if I'd liked what I'd seen when I actually was a healthy weight, I might not have eaten myself to near oblivion. Something to keep working on...

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Yesterday boyfriend and I made a delicious kangaroo mince meat bolognese (much lower in fat than beef mince). I've never tried using kangaroo like that before but it worked really well. It honestly tastes just the same as the beef would. I wouldn't know the difference. The man liked it too! I put a scoop of that onto a small bowl of zucchetti (zucchini noodles) and it was a delicous little meal. I love it when we can cook a meal for the both of us!

Speaking of cooking... if you haven't checked out my lovely new friend's blog by now... you really should! http://sunnydarlingblog.com/
She's also doing the Australian Optifast program and is just a whizz at cooking, photography, writing and blogging. I want to make literally every recipe she's posted! I even bought brussel sprouts this week to try her Sprouts on a stick, and I've previously been too afraid to ever try those vegetables given all the bad reviews!
 
WIL: 1.6kgs!!
WIG: More and more and more fitness. A love for running. More energy. A little self-love!

PB2 and Veggie Fritters

On Tuesday my order of PB2 arrived!! I am so excited about it. I have been reading about this stuff on all kinds of US-based blogs and recipe sites. So happy that I finally have some! And it's yum! I made up a serve and it tastes so much like regular peanut butter. Mind you - I haven't eaten real peanut butter in over 3 months. But, I reckon it's close enough anyway!

 
A serving size according to the label is 2 tbsp (45cals, 1.5g fat, 5g protein, 5g carbs). But I've found that 1tbsp is plenty for my needs. I have been putting it in my chocolate shakes! It's so delicious, and I've found that the added protein makes the shakes overall much more filling. I can't wait to try it on some veggie sticks!
 
Also - It's going to be great for making health bars for my boyfriend's work snacks. Can't wait to trying making all the cool things with it!

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Last night I whipped up some veggie fritters with eggs, a little low-fat cheese, some carrots and some capsicums. Yum! I had them for lunch today with a side of veggie sticks and it was really satisfying.
 
Veggie Fritters
3 x eggs
3 x egg whites
1 medium carrot, grated
1/2 medium red capsicum, diced finely
1/2 medium green capsicum, diced finely
30g Kraft Live Free cheese
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp Italian Herbs mix
 
I whisked it all together, then greased a hot frying pan with olive oil spray, then cooking til they were golden brown. I used a 1/4 cup to measure them out and it made 6 fritters.
 
Each fritter worked out to be 81 calories, 4.3g fat, 7.5g protein and 2.8g carbs. Nice! The boyfriend thought they looked really good and swiped one last night! So, I divided mine up into two serves of 2.5 and that worked out to just over 200 calories. Not bad at all.

Most of the recipes I've seen like this use zucchini instead of capsicum - but I just used what I had on hand. I reckon it would work with most veggies. Onion might be a nice one to try. Or broccoli. Yummm!

Week 13

One week of Transition down and I feel great! It's been a mental win this week being able to eat a bit more food. Just that afternoon yoghurt snack in itself is doing wonders for my sanity. I really appreciate everything that Intensive did for me - the detox, the break, the time off thinking about food - but right now I am LOVING the ability to have meat and dairy!

This week I was even pleasantly surprised by an awesome loss - 1.5kgs! Was not expecting that! But I have heard a few people say they have a good week when they move to Transition - must be something the body likes about changing things up.

Pretty awesome having the "kgs to go" be less than what I've already lost! Also the BMI is 32.4 now - creeping creeping towards the Overweight range. Can't wait for that. Oh - and the day my scales stop telling me my body age is 50 will be nice. I think they were saying 54 when I started, but I would very much like them to be a lot closer to my age (28)! Pretty scary thinking that I am getting about like someone nearly twice my age. That must change!!

I did another measure around the waist today too and have happily lost another 2cms. That's 12cms off my waist in total now, which I'm pleased about. I wish I'd taken more measurements in the beginning, but I know that my weight is pretty evenly spaced so there would be reductions everywhere. (Even though some days it feels like I've lost 20kgs exclusively off my boobs!)

The other thing I'm loving is the energy to exercise! It's been great being able to do some runs. We are onto Week 2 of the C25K now and I just did the first run of the week this morning. It was tough. The difficulty has been amped up since last week to 90sec jog and 120sec walk intervals. I did struggle towards the end, but I just slowed up the pace and kept going. The headwind that changed directions so we were constantly running into it was fun (not!) - but I guess I need to learn to run in all conditions. The important thing is that I did it. And next time should be easier.
 
The endorphins are great. Addictive really. I can see how people become gym junkies. Even though running itself isn't super enjoyable, the feeling of accomplishment and the rush afterwards (which lasts me most of the day) is really wonderful. Is that maybe the Runners High people talk about? Or is that something that happens during running - I should probably look that up!

Oh and today I have finally vowed to get some new undies. My old size 20s are literally falling off me. They are most uncomfortable to run in too. I have my tight leggings over the top, and they are all just a big jumble of loose material underneath. No fun. So, I'll have to grab some new ones this week. Sizing will be interesting - since you can't really try them on at the store! I think I might risk it and get size 16s.

All in all - a great week! Best wishes to everyone reading.

WIL: 1.5kgs and 2cms off the waist! Byebye size 20 undies!
WIG: More food, more fitness, more happiness! Such a great sense of achievement.