Like my style, apparently!
I was doing up a progress shot for my 40kgs lost when I stumbled across a photo from around about 16 months ago. I can't exactly remember how much I weighed. I don't look like I was at my heaviest (120kgs), so I'm going to guess around 115kgs. It's a little hard to tell, as I was wearing a black high waisted thing that I remember I liked for it's figure-hiding abilities!!
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| Jan 2013 and April 2014 |
I had a good laugh that despite having 35-40kgs on this girl, some parts of me haven't changed a bit!
In other news... Gosh, I can't wait to hit goal weight!!!
It's coming up to nearly 6 months on this diet. And, I hit a milestone this week. After zero loss last week, my body decided to play catch up with a little whoosh. I lost 1.8kgs bringing my grand total loss to... 40kgs!
That means I'm 80% of the way to my goal!
I have been trying to take stock lately - making mental notes of all the things I can do now with much more ease. Working about the house (even just cooking and cleaning) is so much easier now without all that extra weight dragging me down. I used to get such sore a sore back and hips if I spent a couple of hours or more baking. Now, I don't. I'm so much fitter, and I think it is mainly to do with the weight loss. Sure, I have built a teeny tiny bit of muscle and endurance with exercise, but I know the main different is the weight.
I made a decision part of the way through the week - to move to Maintenance (Only 1 meal replacement per day, 1200 calories). Optifast Australia isn't too clear on when exactly you should move to Maintenance. I remember reading that you should lose your last few kilos on Maintenance, but I think this was just someone's opinion on the forums. I can't find anything in any of their literature or on their website that sets a clear timeline.
So, I have just decided to do what is best for me. I feel that I need 1200 calories. I am hitting 1200 most days that I exercise and feeling just awful about it because I've been exceeding my target by 200 calories almost all the time. But, I'm hungry. And, for the most part, it is healthy food I'm having (and needing!).
As I've said before on this blog - exercise is working for me. It's making me feel really good and giving me goals outside of this diet to think about. So, I'm just gonna eat 1200 calories a day of healthy foods and keep up the exercise and be happy. Done.
It's actually been harder than I thought to plan out 1200 calories in a day. But, when you're not eating junk, you can really fit a lot more "food" in.
I expect my weight loss to be slower. And that's a price I'm willing to pay. I've been beating myself up for weeks now by trying to merge Optifast Transition (1000 calories) with vigorous exercise, and it's just not working for me. So, I'm moving the goal posts a little.
10kgs to go. And only a dress size or two left. If this takes the rest of the year, I don't care. I just need to be happy right now.
WIL: 1.8kgs, 40kgs total!!
WIG: Perspective. I don't have to be perfect all the time. I just need to be happy and healthy.
I want to re-post something I wrote on the Optifast forums. It's a slightly more eloquent account of how I've been feeling lately.
My apologies if you've already read it, but I want this blog to be a complete journal. I want to be able to look back on this time and see how I low I felt and how I could make it through. Here it is:
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I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm really struggling at the moment. This is so hard for me right now. Most days I'm eating my 1000 calories by lunch time, and then I have to stop myself eating for the rest of the day because I've already hit my limit. And this is on days I don't exercise.
It's not eating out of hunger. I'm just... sad. Everything feels so hard. And when I think about NOT eating my feelings, I get mad. I get mad at that voice in my head trying to tell me it's a bad idea. I think "Why can't I eat my feelings? Why can't I? I want to. Even if it won't help, I really WANT TO. And I feel so helpless right now, why would you deprive me of this?"
I didn't lose this week - I stayed the same. Even though I totally deserved to gain. I think I'm doing it all wrong. I love running. I just want to run. But, my coworker makes me feel bad for not doing 5 gym classes a week with her. She says "If we skip today, we HAVE to do two tomorrow." When it comes to exercise, I do NOT like tough love. I wanted to do 1 or 2 classes a week max. And right now, I want to do none. I want to sleep.
12 more kilos to go. At least. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel it happening - that transition to when people just put all the weight back on. I feel like this is how it happens. These are the days when 1000 cals turns to 1200 and 1500 and 1800 and then I look at myself in the mirror one day and say "Ok, just be fat then". And then I just give up.
Now I get it. Now I understand that it's hard. It wasn't this hard for me before, but I feel like a leaky tap was just drip drip dripping into a bucket. And slowly the bucket filled up. And now that the bucket is full, every single drip makes it overflow. Just one little drip is too much to bear.
I'm so sorry for this post. It's not very inspiring. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay strong.
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After writing this post, things got a bit worse before they got any better. I forced myself off to the gym.... where I promptly scraped my car against a pole in the car park. In front of my gym buddy. I was so overcome with embarassment and stress that I just drove away. It was like what I wrote in the post above - one little drip keeps making the bucket overflow.
I drove away for a minute or two, then I pulled over and checked the damage. It was a scrape - pretty big, but I have already scraped it worse in other places.
I got back into the car and just cried. My gym buddy was ringing me, probably to see where I went, but I couldn't answer. I just cried because I couldn't take it.
Then I tried to think what I could do. I was so desperate. I tried ringing my old psychologist, but he was busy. Somehow, I decided I just needed to go back to the gym and do the class. I needed to brave my gym buddy, face the embarassment and work out the frustration.
Monday night we had cancelled the gym because I was tired and grumpy and sad. And that didn't work for me. It just meant that I went home and battled cravings and the urge to stress-eat all night. And I didn't feel any better for it. So, I figured I may as well go to the gym.
When I got there, my gym buddy was really great about it. I was so embarassed, but I managed to joke about it a bit. That helped. She suggested I "take it out on the bike". And I did. That was a really good suggestion.
I drove home and collapsed into boyfriend's arms. Then we went to the shops and bought me some veggies. We chopped them all up so that I could have a huge stash in the fridge. This is my plan. If I can't fight the urge to push things into my face, then those things are going to be veggies. I'm sure I could push veggies into my face all day and still lose weight.
I have a mildly optimistic feeling that yesterday was the lowest point of this trough. I am going to scramble up out of this ditch.
Thank you all for reading and supporting me. I feel the love. Thank you for hearing me and understanding me and making me remember how strong I am.
Hi there. I'm just checking in.
I'm having a rough trot at the moment. My exercise is all over the place. So is my eating.
I didn't lose or gain this week. Still 81.8. Lucky. I binged a lot this past week, and I didn't drink enough water most days.
I don't feel much like writing at the moment. Just trying to get myself back together again.
I'm still determined. I'm still going to do this. It's just not easy right now.
Hopefully I'll be back with a cheerier post soon!
So, Week 22 comes to a close with a surprisingly nice result - a 1.9kg loss! I haven't seen a weekly loss like that in a while. Last time I lost that big was Week 18. But, I'm not complaining. I know it's just a matter of swings and roundabouts.
I can't believe how close I'm getting to being in the 70s. My goal weight is 70 kgs - so getting to 79 will be so strange. The boyfriend weighs around 79-80kgs too - so it will a rather big deal to weigh less than him. Some big milestones to look forward to!
Last Saturday we finished our C25K program. We did the timed version, so we were training to run 30mins. I guess the idea is that a lot of people would be running 5K in 30mins. We ran 4.2K. That's ok. When I started I just wanted to be able to do half an hour of running, and now I can!
We are still kind of unsure about how to continue training. Keep running 30mins and try to run faster. Or just run for longer and get to 5K... then beyond.
Either way, this morning's struggle to get out of bed highlighted to me how important it is for me to have a training program to stick to. Before I finished the C25K program, one of the things that used to get me out of bed was the knowledge that missing a day could set my whole schedule back. Now, I only had the thought of getting my exercise in for the day, and keeping my habit going. I'm scared that it won't be enough motivation going forward.
So, I need to find another program. Maybe just an interim one to get to 5K. Or, maybe to start on the C210K app. It could also be something that the boyfriend and I draw up ourselves, e.g. Run 4.5K this week, 5K next week, 5.5K the next etc.
Maybe we need to bite the bullet and sign up for a race. That would really light a fire under me.
I should also mention that in terms of the food front, and following Optifast properly - I am not quite there. Last week I ate an average of 1200 calories a day. I also exercised A LOT. It was tough, but I really wanted to push myself to see if I could do it. On top of running 3 times, I did 3 Spin classes and 2 BodyPump classes at the gym.
It hurt, and I was tired, but it made me feel so good. I'm slowly starting to see tiny bits of definition showing up on my body. Eating a bit of extra food made me feel confident that I had enough energy to complete the gym classes.
I feel like a bit of a traitor, to be honest. A traitor to Optifast. And a bit of an imposter. I'm still netting the 1000 calories I'm supposed to be on. But, I'm eating more. I'm eating the Optifast products, but only roughly following their nutritional and calorie intake ideas. And so, I just don't feel genuine.
But then, maybe this is all part of it. I'm learning how to lose without Optifast. Perhaps a bit of an early Maintenance/Stabilsation phase. I'm learning how to eat. How to be active. How to be healthy. Isn't that why I did this? Isn't that what Optifast was designed for?
Maybe if I just called it "Maintenance" (which is 1200 calories), I could be done with the whole debate!
At any rate - it's working. What I'm doing is working. I'm going to keep doing it. Eating when my body needs it, but making sure that when I do I'm making good choices. Just because I go to the gym doesn't mean I get an extra 200 calories of chips or chocolate. I need vegetables, protein, dairy. And a few complex carbs.
WIL: 1.9kgs!
WIG: The realisation that I can achieve awesome things if I commit to it. 10 weeks ago, I couldn't run for longer than a minute at a time. And now I can run for 30mins straight, baby!!
