Week 21

This week I lost 0.6kg! Not bad at all. I'm expecting that to drop back down a little this week, because yesterday I weighed in about another 0.6kgs lighter. No matter though - down is good. Plus, being 83.7kgs means I have hit another goal: I have lost 30% of my starting body weight!! Amazing!

 

Here's a progress photo I had the boyfriend take for me yesterday:

 

 

This morning we ran for 30mins straight! This is the last week of the C25K program we're doing. We did the timed version, so the goal was 30mins. And we did it! We are running it two more times this week and will try to improve on the pace a little. Today we ran at 8.3kp/h and ran just under 4.2km. Not bad! We were actually pretty consistent in our overall pace too, which I always hope for. Sometimes we can go out a bit fast and then drag it home, so I liked that we kept it pretty consistent the whole way.

 

 

I never thought, all those weeks ago when I started just running 60 seconds at a time (and struggling to finish), that I'd be able to run so far and for so long. Especially after only 9-10 weeks of training. It's a great feeling!

 

I'm not sure if we'll keep running for 30mins three times a week and try to up our pace, or if we'll try to get to 5km first. I think we might go for the distance first since there is a cool program they run in Australia called ParkRun where you can go run a free timed fun run every week. I just feel like that would be a great thing to do. Then we can work on our pace through those official times.

 

Running was extra awesome this morning because on the weekend I splurged a little and bought myself some new leggings, a visor, a new sports bra, and a belt to put my phone in that clips around my waist. Much more comfortable than carrying the phone in the bra!

 

I had really wanted to hold off a little longer before I bought any bras, because I am sure to go down another size or so before I get to my goal weight. But, the lack of support was actually starting to hurt a bit when I ran, so I had to relent. The really wonderful thing was that the lady fit me into a size 14D. The old bras are an 18C (and I was even squeezing into them at my highest weight). So, that felt pretty amazing, I have to say!

 

I think this is going to be a good week!

 

WIL: 0.6kgs and another big milestone!

WIG: New running gear!! The ability to run for 30mins without stopping!

Feeling Better

I don't want to jinx myself, but I might be over my little grouchy patch. This week has been good so far. I haven't cheated and haven't been tempted to cheat.


Bit slow - but I'd rather go
non-stop than fast!

And, I've been doing better at the gym. No more light-headedness. And enough energy to make it through even back to back classes. The real test will be tonight when we do back to back Pump and then RPM. After having run twice this week and been to gym classes both Monday and Tues, it may just hit me. But, I'm going to have an extra serve of quick oats about an hour before, which I reckon will do the trick.

Also, I just feel good today, so I'm kind of excited to go the gym tonight. Which, is usually not the case. I usually drag my heels a bit.

Why am I feeling good? Uhh... probably because I completed my 28min run this morning! Without stopping, thank you very much! It's so sweet when you can conquer something you previously failed at. I've really felt like I've been glowing all day because of it.

Endorphins + sense of achievement = Happy Caitlin!

So, in closing, I will attach the following picture, which, while completely irrelvant, is uber cute! Have a good day all. :-)

Upside-down sleepy kitties are silly.

Week 20

It feels so weird to be typing "Week 20" in the header there. I remember from Day 1 to something like week 6 I felt like this diet was going to take forever. But the days just go by anyway. And then one day you're typing in "Week 20". Amazing. That means one day I'm going to be typing "goal weight achieved". ;)

This week was rough. I went over calories 3 out of the 7 days. I already spoke about the first two in my last post, but yesterday's eat-fest was the worst emotionally. Damage-wise I went about 500 calories over my goal. My goal on Transition is 800-1000 calories. So, 1500 calories for the day - not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I'm actually not feeling guilty about the food.

It was that feeling. If you are an emotional eater, you'll know what I mean. That voice in your head that drives you to the fridge searching for something to make you happy. Something you can just shove into your mouth. That little idea that eating all the food is somehow the only solution to the problem. It really feels like a compulsion to me. And no matter how much food I gave it, it never seemed enough.

In the end, the choices I made were ok enough to keep the excess calories to a minimum. (Read: I baked and ate a whole batch of cloud bread. Not filling or satisfying - do not recommend). And I skipped dinner to make up for it somewhat. So, about 6pm I decided to try a tip I've heard around the place - I brushed my teeth. It actually worked pretty well. I'd had that kind of mouth-watering feeling going on and it cured that. Plus, it was a kind of mental signal that eating was done for the day. I then settled down with a cup of spearmint and camomile tea, which made me sleepy. And at 8.30 I went to bed early.

Luckily I woke up to some friendly scales, which didn't punish me for my rocky week. I lost 1.2kgs! Yay!

This morning's C25K run was 28mins. I was still grumpy from all the stress I'm in at the moment and I just did not have the willpower to push through. When it got tough, I just stopped. Over and over. I think I stopped 4 or 5 times after halfway.

I told my best friend about the stopping in the run this morning, and he said the most wonderful thing: "Well, that means you started again 4 or 5 times. Even though it was tough." Made me feel really wonderful. Love that guy!

So, I'll be trying to finish it non-stop on Wednesday. But, I'm not too fussed about it. If I need to repeat this week, so be it. I'm actually feeling like a nice non-challenging week would be good for me at the moment.

Thanks for all the love and support you've all been giving me here in the blogosphere, on MFP and on Facebook. I've really been leaning on you all lately, and I appreciate you propping me up a bit! Love to you all.

Here's hoping this is a better week and I can get everything under control a bit more! Better weeks for all, I say! Take care. :)

WIL: 1.2kgs
WIG: Can't think of anything this week... Hmm.

Debating

So, I will admit that I have been in a bit of a funk. I have been having doubts about whether Optifast is the right program for me right now. It has a lot going for it: mainly - I have lost nearly 35 kilos on it already! But now, with my focus on fitness, I don't know if I can make it work for me.

Despite "recommitting" on Monday I have had the following "cheats":

• Monday night I ate an extra slice of Vegetable frittata. It meant I went 300 calories over target for the day.
• Thursday night I had an Oat frittata, which is basically rolled oats and egg whites cooked in the microwave to make a sort of pancake-y thing. Recipe is from Runs for Cookies Recipes. I adapted it to use sugarfree maple syrup instead of honey, but it was still 300 calories (including the PB2 peanut butter I had on top!)

Ahem. I know, right. What is it with me and frittatas this week?

And now time for the excuses: I have run 3 times this week for 25mins (which has been tough, ok!) and on Wednesday I also did two gym classes. I have been eating a small banana before each exercise session, which has been within my calories (just) and is helping A LOT with my energy levels.

(Aside: I won't bother posting the calories I've burned because between my dodgy HRM and the apps I use, which I believe overestimate a lot, I only have a really rough idea of what I burned.)

So, you could say, in a perfect world where all calories are equal (Are they?? The internet is confusing!) and my metabolism runs like a well-oiled machine, I might have come out even. But, in terms of Optifast and the program, I am not being a good girl. And, I have always advocated that if you customise the program, then you can't blame it for not working.

I'm also not going to lie and tell you that I was super hungry those times I cheated. I wasn't. It was definitely emotional eating. Whether maybe deep down there was some energy/nutritional deficiency that spurred it on, I don't know. Maybe a bit. Or maybe I'm convincing myself I need more food, and using that as an excuse.

So what do I want?

1. I want to exercise. I want to complete the C25k and then proceed to run 5K+ 3 times per week. And I want to go to the gym at least twice per week with my colleague/gym buddy. We have a year's membership, so that's a big incentive. Even if I could write off the cost for myself, I'd still feel terrible leaving her in the lurch a bit. Part of the reason she signed up was that she thought I'd be going too.
2. I want to lose weight. I want to lose 15 more kilos. I would prefer it to keep coming off at the nice fast rate it has been, but I am prepared to go slower. Much slower, if it means I can keep exercising at the rate I want to.
3. Diet-wise I want something I can stick to. I don't want to do Optifast if it means I have to make so many unsanctioned modifications that there are too many factors involved. For example, if I start plateauing I wouldn't know what to blame or what to change.

I tried to get in contact with a Dietician this week. I checked the Optifast website for dieticians near me and found a place to contact. I used the "contact us" form on their website and then got an email reply telling me to phone their office. Well, thanks. Why don't you just put your phone number on the website then? What was the point of the form? So, that has put me off. Silly, I know. But, I am silly.

I need to get over it and contact them. I need to have a session with someone who can properly modify my diet for me and take all this guesswork away. I need a big dose of reality. And fast.

Week 19

19 weeks down. Getting towards 5 months I've been on this diet. Kind of mindblowing.

This week I lost 100g. My Fat% was down a little and my muscle % up, so that is really pleasing. But, as for the smaller loss - I kinda knew that was coming. With such a big loss last week, I was expecting to make up for it somewhat this week.

I also wasn't the best when it came to food last week. For one of my daily meals (which is usually lunch during weekdays because I like eating real food with my coworkers) I had a pretty large sourdough sandwich with chicken and avocado and cheese. And when I say large, I'm talking one of those sandwiches where the bread is 90% of the meal.

In my calorie estimating afterwards (and I usually try to over-estimate) I am fairly sure I was either still within or close to within my calorie goal for the day. I am not too fussed with being 100 or so calories over (my daily goal is 800-1000) since I do a fair amount of exercise. So I was within my calories and didn't blow everything. But it was the way I acted around that sandwich and afterwards that threw me off.

Basically the whole situation started with a couple of rough workouts. After Monday night's Spin class, I nearly passed out. It was hot in the room (packed full of people) and it was one of the toughest workouts I've had in there. The instructor was relentless - hardly ever letting us turn the resistance down. I am usually determined to keep up until I physically can't. I think I only backed off once against her instructions.

After we cooled down and stretched, I suddenly saw this blackness creeping in around the sides of my vision. I immediately grabbed onto the nearest bike seat to steady myself. Somehow I made it out of the hot room and slid down the wall outside. I put my head between my knees and just tried to get the blood back upstairs again. My gym buddy came and sat with me and I was ok after a while.

I know part of it was a slightly harder workout and the hot room, which isn't usually so full of people. But I was sure part of it was also to do with a lack of calories, specifically a lack of carbs.

Then, Wednesday morning's run happened. And it was stupidly hard too. It was 2 x 10min run intervals, separated by a 3min walk. Not that tough really, considering the Friday before had been a 20min straight run. But it was nearly impossible. I was practically sobbing for the last quarter of it. I came the closest to stopping I have on any run. I was feeling overheated and lightheaded again. It was just horrible.

I have no scientific basis for my assumptions, but I basically came to the conclusion that I cannot keep up this level of exercise without adding more carbs to my diet.

I spoke to the temp at my work who is actually trained as a Dietician, but temping with us while she tries to find her first full time Dietician job. I asked her what kinds of carbs I should be eating to help with giving me more energy when I exercise, because I know simple sugars, bread and pasta are danger zone for me. She gave me a few snack ideas I could have 1-2 hours before exercising. Things like:
- 2 rice cakes with cottage cheese
- Yoghurt with banana
- oats/porridge
- any kind of fruit

Some good ideas!

Unfortunately, when I went out for lunch on Thursday and it was a choice between another boring garden salad and a giant chicken, avocado and cheese sandwich... I chose the death by sandwich. My brain "justified it" by convincing me that I needed those carbs. Fine. Well, it would have been fine if I'd stopped halfway when I was actually full.

My friend is a great 6 foot+ tall man, and he devoured his sandwich, while I ate half of mine. I wrapped it up in the paper it came with, and I wish so much I'd thrown it out there. We went back to the office and I then immediately unwrapped it and ate the rest at my desk. I wasn't hungry. In fact I was pretty satiated. And after stuffing the rest of that thing in my face I was incredibly full. And I was full for hours. Even at 3pm I could tell my body was still trying to force that thing through my system.

Not good.

I managed to up my protein in the following days. And on Friday morning I was testing positive for Ketosis again. So, it can't have had that much of an effect on my weight loss/diet. Also, my run on Friday morning went REALLY well. It was 22mins straight and I was surprised when the app told me to stop - I actually felt like I could have kept going for another minute or two if I'd needed to. So, it felt like those carbs were doing their job there.

But, what also happened, is the floodgates opened a little. Since Thursday I have struggled to keep my calories under the 1000 goal, even under 1100. And when I say struggle, I mean that most of my days were 1000 or 1050 total, but that I had to do some serious work to keep it to that. I hovered round the fridge all weekend and ate a bazillion sugar free jellies and lollies. I just felt like I couldn't be satisfied - which is a hard thing to attain by eating sugarfree things, as they can sometimes stimulate your cravings even more.

Last night I made a very delicious Vegetable frittata, which was exceptionally satisfying. But even an hour after dinner I wanted to grab another serving. Because of cravings, not hunger.

So, I'm making a committment here and now: This week, I am laying off the sugarfree stuff and "extras" in general. I can have a banana before my workouts and a homemade (no added sugar) yoghurt for afternoon snacks. Other than that I can have my usual meal and shakes, water and vegetables. That is all. No weight watchers mousse because I can squeeze it into my calorie allowance. No, sugarfree lollies. Nothing.

I need to get back into the habit of eating vegetables when I need to snack on something. So, I'll be carting around lots of veggie sticks this week!

I don't see this past week as a failure, though. I still had a loss. I didn't gain despite going slightly off track. And I was expecting a smaller loss anyway. You don't suddenly lose 2.2kgs this fair into your diet without things evening out again sooner or later! My loss this week may have nothing to do with the struggles I've had at all, because despite making it hard for myself I still kept my calories fairly under control. But, even if I'd lost more this week, I think this problem needs to be addressed.

I've been able to identify what I'm doing and make a plan to reign it back in. I haven't "fallen off track" or "cheated". I feel I've just wobbled a little bit and learned how to avoid this happening.

I'm going to treat this week the same way I did the first week of the program: Expect it to be hard. I'm going to want sugarfree lollies and all that crap I have been slipping in lately. But, I can't have it. And if I don't have it this week, those cravings should go away. I just need to stay strong for a few days.
-----

P.S ~ My run this morning was 25mins straight! It was so hard, but I made it!
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WIL: 100g! A little bit of control. Fat %.
WIG: Muscle %. Recommittment to my weight loss program. Perspective. A plan.

Feeling "Normal"

Just a quick update to share this little photo: 

 

I took this in the bathrooms at a friend's wedding 2 weeks ago. I was wearing an old size 16 dress from my closet (that I hadn't worn since another wedding 8 years ago!!)

For the first time in many many years, I didn't feel like I was a monster next to all the other girls. Sure, I'm a bit bigger/curvier etc - I'm a size 16 to their 10/12s. But, I still felt "normal". Like I wasn't standing out for the wrong reasons.

And, I'll admit it. I might have even felt a bit pretty!

This weight loss stuff... it's totally worth it!

Week 18

Today I just couldn't be happier. I stepped on the scales this morning to see a lovely big whoosh, and an extra special surpise: I am no longer obese.

Not only did I somehow manage to lose 2.2kgs this week (what!?), but my BMI is now 29.6. I really can't believe it. I had to step on and off the scales a few more times to make sure it was right.

Seriously, though: What!?!!!?

It's 18 weeks since I started Optifast. 12 weeks of Intensive (how did I ever do that?) and 6 weeks of Transition. That's 126 days total - over a third of a year! Wow.

I've been through so many ups and downs in the past 4 months, and I really cannot believe that I haven't turned to food to make it better at all. Sure, I've eaten off plan a few times, but I've always counted my calories and made sure it was for the right reasons - like needing fuel to exercise.

I weigh 85.6kgs today. And it seems like I'm closing in on my ultimate goal fast. Of course, I expect things to slow down a lot as I have less to lose. But honestly, even as fast as things have gone for me, I'm no longer in a hurry. The way I'm eating these days feels very sustainable. If I had to eat like this forever, I truly believe I could. I'm never hungry, and I'm well and truly in a routine with things. If it takes another year to get to my goal, so be it. I feel better every day. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

So, my next goal is 40kgs lost, and also to weigh less than my boyfriend. He is sitting at around 79kgs, so both of those goals are pretty close. I should be there in the next couple of months. Actually - they might get met just in time for my birthday in May! Now that would be a happy birthday!

Oh, and there's one other wonderful thing to report from this week. I finally decided to brave the shops and buy a couple of things to wear to work. My uniform is literally falling off me. The pants, even though stretchy, are finally at the point where they do not stay up. And they don't have loop holes for a belt. Plus, the shirts are so big and gaping, that I'm pretty sure I was at the point of flashing bra on a few occasions. You could have fit another person in those shirts with me, I swear!

So, I pysched up the courage to go to Target on the weekend. For the first time, I did not go into the plus size area. I browsed around the City Dressing section and grabbed a bunch of size 16 shirts and pants to try on. They fit! After the first couple of outfits fit, I decided to quit while I was ahead and just buy them. Being pear-shaped, I've always had a lot of trouble buying pants. But if they were going to fit me first try, I wasn't going to argue! Plus, I think they really looked good!

Today I am at work in my new clothes. My wonderful friend (who always compliments me, because she is just so lovely and kind) has already commented. I am a little nervous that people will notice a big change and, dare I say it, see my FIGURE! But, I think it is worth it for my self esteem to not be looking like a clown in those big clothes. It was really getting depressing putting that stuff on every day.

WIL: 2.2kgs, an "Obese" BMI.
WIG: New clothes! Ability to shop in the "normal" section.

Week 16 & 17

Right.... so it's been a little while since I've posted. Sorry about that! Things got a little crazy in my world for a bit there, but I'm back to reality again.

Last Sunday night I got a call from my Dad to let me know that my Papa (grandfather) wasn't doing too well. He'd had a planned surgery to replace a heart valve, and, despite being pretty well after the operation (awake, talking a little, eating), he took a real dive the following afternoon. They had to sedate him and put him on a breathing tube. We were all really worried.

I asked my Dad if I should fly to Melbourne to see him, because it might be the last time. He said that maybe I'd better. So, I did. I took the "Red-Eye" that night at 11.30pm and landed at 6am Melbourne time. We went straight to the hospital.

In short, it was a week long emotional rollercoaster of tests for various organs that seemed to not be doing very well (kidneys, bowels, liver, brain), and slight improvements here and there. It seemed like a constant 1.01 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing. Stressful, in a word. All of my family were stressed, so that made it tough. I was biting a few heads off by the end of it.

I'm back home now. He is on the improve, it seems, but we can't be too optimistic. He's still critical. He's still in the ICU. But, he is off the breathing tube as of this morning. And, the official stance from the doctors is that "we may never know what happened to make him go downhill".

So, diet/exercise-wise, last week was tough. I spent 80% of my days sitting around the hospital and the other 20% at the mercy of whatever food people made me or bought me. I chose veggies and protein wherever I could, and ate small meals. I had my Optifast bars the rest of the time. I think I averaged about one bar a day and two meals of veggies and meat. There were times when I bought a soup that tasted like it had half a cup of butter/oil in it. There were times I had to eat my chicken wrapped in pastry. There were times I had full cream milk or yoghurt to get a dairy serve. I was very conscious of trying to get my nutrients more than I was that things were higher calorie than I was used to. I managed.

I think I did really well, actually. I made the best choices available to me at all times. And, if the choice was still not very good, I just ate small amounts. I didn't go hungry though. I don't think that would have been good.

I weighed in yesterday (Monday). Since I didn't get to weigh in last Monday (as I flew out the night before), my loss is for 2 weeks...

I lost 3.4kgs! I am down to 87.8kgs. I am in the 80s! I have lost a total of 32.2kgs and so have hit my next big goal of losing 30kgs! My BMI is 30.4 - just above the "Overweight" range. I am thrilled. Thrilled. I proved to myself that I can do this under stress and out of my comfort zone. There are no excuses for me anymore. I can do this. I will do this.

The only thing I didn't do so well on was the exercise. It was pretty impossible. I did bring my jogging gear and my best intentions to keep it up, but it never happened. I guess I could have found ways to cut into my restless sleep even more and get up even earlier to run. It might have helped a bit with the stress. But, at the time, I was exhausted. And by the time we got home from the hospital of an evening, it was dark. I was a little hesitant to run alone at night in a suburb I'm not used to. I might have been fine, but I probably would have stressed out my Nana even more by doing that. So, I'll forgive myself a week off, I think.

We were back into it yesterday. It was a public holiday and a scorcher heatwise. We didn't get up early enough to run in the morning before the heat hit, so had to run at about 4pm. It was still pretty warm, but my best friend was coming over at about 5pm, so we just had to brave it.

It felt a little weird at first. My legs wanted it, but were just a little wobbly. We soon got into it, though. The program was 3 x 5min runs, with a 3min walk in between. The first 5mins felt like a breeze. But the last one was really tough to complete. It felt like the heat was what made it so hard. I was still really proud that we averaged over 8km/h on each of the running legs. Especially since we'd had a week off.

This week is going to be all about getting organised again. Getting the running happening, and seeing about the gym. Maybe just a couple of classes so I don't hurt myself. And, the food. Getting back into 2 Optifast meals and one regular meal again. I'm sure I'll be my old self by next Monday!


WIL: Any doubts I could do this for life. 3.4kgs!!
WIG: Confidence and pride.