I didn't make it through on Saturday. But it's not over yet.
Today I've made it past lunch time, which is probably a record for the past few months. It's like Day 1, Week 1 all over again. I am hungry and having extreme sugar deprivation headaches. My body is all "Hey man, I thought we were cool here? I thought we were all having a good time?"
No, body, we weren't.
I am determined to do this. I am going to see this day out. Those hours are gonna drag, my stomach is gonna rumble and my head is gonna pound. But come what may, I am going to put my head on the pillow tonight with a smile knowing that I made it.
Like that motivational quote goes... "If you're sick of starting over, stop giving up".
Monday, July 14, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Taking Some Advice
So, hi. I've been a bad blogger. I've lost my direction when it comes to weight loss, and so I've lost my desire to blog. But, a lovely, supportive friend (Optifast Adventurer) said to me that it might be of some use to keep blogging during this time. She's very wise, so I'm betting she could be right. It could help me clear a few things up in my head. And it could help anyone reading to see the hard times that one can go through. Perhaps it might just make one other person feel not so alone.
So, what's been happening? Well, a couple of months ago I got given a $4M project to manage at my work. My usual gig there is Document Control, but I've always been one of those people that do what needs to be done, so I've had a lot of extra involvement in projects anyway. My company has recently realised the importance of allocating an individual person to oversee the projects, and, in the absence of anyone else to do it, they gave it to me.
It's been a bit of a learning curve and a lot of extra work and responsibility. I have been experiencing a lot of extra stress and anxiety. In the beginning, I decided to shift my focus from dieting to work for a while because I thought that working a bit harder at this time would pay off for me. However, it really seems like it won't. So, that has actually caused me a lot more depression and anxiety.
I haven't been able to get back on track. I sort of haven't wanted to either. I've wanted to have a bit of freedom from restriction for a while. Every time I get stressed my mind says "Eat some chocolate, you need it. You deserve it."
When I was on Optifast, I would tell myself that I didn't need junk food to make me feel better. That it would only make me feel worse. And I was right. I know that it won't make me feel better because every day when I eat it I feel worse. It's only those few moments when I'm putting food into my mouth, chewing and swallowing that I feel absent from fears and sadness. But once it's in my stomach, new fears and sadnesses are there too. I feel like a useless addict. I feel like a slave to something that is trying to kill me.
I know I'm not powerless. I know I am making choices. I am the one going to the supermarket and buying hordes of secret junk food to hide for myself. I do this because if my boyfriend and I buy junk food for the both of us, I will end up eating it all and he will get none. And then I will feel even more guilt. (He likes to have some biscuits and desserts around for a snack every now and then - he can eat in moderation.)
But, I do feel heavily addicted. I feel sad when I try to make a healthier choice. Like, I'm being torn away from my crutch. I also feel lost. I don't want to eat salads anymore. And I can't think of healthier foods to have easily on hand. I make soups, but I bore of them quickly.
I have started Optifast again so many mornings. I'll get up and have a bar or a shake for breakfast. Then I'll get into work and read an email that will stress me out or upset me and then I'll just feel desperate and out of control. I have been trying some breathing and meditation. It does help a little. But chocolate helps the best.
Until I step on the scales again and a few more hundred grams are there. This morning I've crept up to 81.5kgs. The lowest I got down to was around 79kgs. I did hang around that mark for most of May and June. But July I haven't seen under 80. I have been 80.5, 80.2, 80.8 most days. This morning was a bit of a rude shock, actually. I did have a few beers and a lot of pizza last night, though, so perhaps there is 500g or so of carby water weight in there.
I haven't been running in a while. My boyfriend and I both injured ourselves training for a 12km run in August. We have since dropped out, unfortunately. The injuries weren't too bad, but since we needed to follow a plan to progressively run further and further each week, we weren't going to make the 12km (without hurting ourselves again) in time. I think we are going to just stick to around 5km once or twice a week for now. Today is going to be the first run we've done in a while.
I have been walking most mornings for 30mins to try and keep some exercise up. I have found it helps me start the day better and it's helpful for stress management.
My stress is just through the roof at the moment. It's very tricky. I know that what really helps stress is a healthy diet. But, I am finding it hard to stick to anything when I'm stressed. It's sort of a catch 22.
I need the right attitude back again. I need that determination I had back all those months ago. That girl lost 40kgs! I might have put back on one or two, but that damage isn't insurmountable.
The plan is to just start doing the Optifast Intensive again (3 meals a day + 4 cup of veg + 1 tsp of oil). Just for a week or two to get re-focussed. Then I'll slip back into Transition again when I have 1 ~400 cal meal a day plus a serve of dairy and a serve of fruit. But, I haven't been able to get that far in all the weeks I've been trying.
So, the mini-plan is just to take a deep breath and take one day at a time. One MEAL at a time! Today is the challenge. I can make it through one day. I can follow the plan for one day. I can do this.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Checking In
Just a quick note to let you know I'm alive!
April, May and now June have been a bit of a non-event in terms of weight loss. That is - I've stayed around about 79kgs or less for the duration.
I have been eating a lot off plan, although I've kept up the regular exercise.
Things have been new, stressful and exciting at work, and I've been working long hours with new responsibility. I've just been trying to get my head above water and have prioritised work over weight loss for now. As long as I'm maintaining, I'm not too fussed. I'm still not BMI-wise a "healthy" weight, but I feel great and feel that I look great.
Perhaps when things at work settle down a bit I'll be able to re-focus on weight loss.
Hope you're all well and happy. xo
April, May and now June have been a bit of a non-event in terms of weight loss. That is - I've stayed around about 79kgs or less for the duration.
I have been eating a lot off plan, although I've kept up the regular exercise.
Things have been new, stressful and exciting at work, and I've been working long hours with new responsibility. I've just been trying to get my head above water and have prioritised work over weight loss for now. As long as I'm maintaining, I'm not too fussed. I'm still not BMI-wise a "healthy" weight, but I feel great and feel that I look great.
Perhaps when things at work settle down a bit I'll be able to re-focus on weight loss.
Hope you're all well and happy. xo
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Heart Health
Yesterday we had a free Heart Health check. It was provided by my work, which was pretty awesome. They had a lady come in and take a finger prick test for blood glucose and cholesterol, as well as taking our blood pressure and waist measurement.
I'm pleased to say that my results were quite good! My blood glucose was 4.9, which the lady said was really great considering I'd eaten lunch within the last two hours. Under 5.5 is the "Normal" range for a fasting test, so even having eaten I was still good! My cholesterol (they only tested total cholesterol) was also under 5.1!
My blood pressure was a little high - 130/80. But, the lady said that if I'd sat in the the chair a little longer, it might have got down closer to normal (120/80). But 130/80 isn't too bad. It's considered High/Normal. I am a bit of a stresshead, so I guess I should just be careful and watch those levels. The good thing was that it also showed my heart rate was at 60bpm - which is right at the lowest end of 'Normal'. With a bit more fitness I could get into 'Athlete' territory! Woo!
The one part I failed was waist measurement. They measure right around the belly button, which isn't my smallest part (some places just take the smallest part of your torso as your "waist"). But, I would have been over 80cms anyway. I was 93cm, which, to me, was great. I know I was 120cm when I started my Optifast journey 6 months ago. So, I really can't complain about that. I'm not sure if I'll ever be one of those people that get below 80cm around the belly button. I guess I'll see when I get closer to goal weight, and have lost a few more cms from my resistance training.
All in all, I was really pleased with my results. I remember my blood glucose levels being around 7, which is getting into Type 2 Diabetes territory. I am so glad that I made some changes to my health before I got to that point.
I think it's really important to see these kind of changes in my health. It's made me stop and reflect on how much healthier I feel and how much easier it is to just be alive now. Walking, running, getting out of bed, standing for extended periods of time, doing housework, cleaning myself, getting dressed, putting on makeup, tying my shoes... all these things are so much easier now.
Really, in just 6 months I have completely turned my health around. When you put that in perspective, that really is inspiring. I was obese for years. I have had issues with eating and been at least overweight my entire teenage and adult life. But, with 6 months of hard work, I've been able to make huge changes to my health. So, if anyone is out there reading and wondering if it's worth it...? It is. It really is.
My body has put up with a lot of rubbish from me in the past. I think it deserves to be feeling better these days. And I'm promising it now that I won't stop here. I'm going to get to a healthy weight. I'm going to continue to put good, nutritious foods inside it. And I'm going to continue to give it the exercise it needs to stay strong and healthy. My body and I are worth it!
I'm pleased to say that my results were quite good! My blood glucose was 4.9, which the lady said was really great considering I'd eaten lunch within the last two hours. Under 5.5 is the "Normal" range for a fasting test, so even having eaten I was still good! My cholesterol (they only tested total cholesterol) was also under 5.1!
My blood pressure was a little high - 130/80. But, the lady said that if I'd sat in the the chair a little longer, it might have got down closer to normal (120/80). But 130/80 isn't too bad. It's considered High/Normal. I am a bit of a stresshead, so I guess I should just be careful and watch those levels. The good thing was that it also showed my heart rate was at 60bpm - which is right at the lowest end of 'Normal'. With a bit more fitness I could get into 'Athlete' territory! Woo!
The one part I failed was waist measurement. They measure right around the belly button, which isn't my smallest part (some places just take the smallest part of your torso as your "waist"). But, I would have been over 80cms anyway. I was 93cm, which, to me, was great. I know I was 120cm when I started my Optifast journey 6 months ago. So, I really can't complain about that. I'm not sure if I'll ever be one of those people that get below 80cm around the belly button. I guess I'll see when I get closer to goal weight, and have lost a few more cms from my resistance training.
All in all, I was really pleased with my results. I remember my blood glucose levels being around 7, which is getting into Type 2 Diabetes territory. I am so glad that I made some changes to my health before I got to that point.
I think it's really important to see these kind of changes in my health. It's made me stop and reflect on how much healthier I feel and how much easier it is to just be alive now. Walking, running, getting out of bed, standing for extended periods of time, doing housework, cleaning myself, getting dressed, putting on makeup, tying my shoes... all these things are so much easier now.
Really, in just 6 months I have completely turned my health around. When you put that in perspective, that really is inspiring. I was obese for years. I have had issues with eating and been at least overweight my entire teenage and adult life. But, with 6 months of hard work, I've been able to make huge changes to my health. So, if anyone is out there reading and wondering if it's worth it...? It is. It really is.
My body has put up with a lot of rubbish from me in the past. I think it deserves to be feeling better these days. And I'm promising it now that I won't stop here. I'm going to get to a healthy weight. I'm going to continue to put good, nutritious foods inside it. And I'm going to continue to give it the exercise it needs to stay strong and healthy. My body and I are worth it!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Week 27
...Oops. I messed up. I ate badly Friday, Saturday and Sunday and have gained. The result? I'm back up to 80kgs. So, the 800gms I've so painstakingly lost over the last 2 weeks have been plopped back on again.
Ok, enough. I have been beating myself up about this all day. And, despite the fact I've given myself a real working over, it hasn't burnt any calories! I need to just learn what I can from this and move on.
So, why have I gained?
- Building muscle? Maybe a little.
- Water retention? Well, I did eat a lot of carbs and sodium - perhaps there is some water weight in there. Ok.
- (TMI) Backed up a bit? Yep. Got that going on.
- Eating too much food and, especially, too much high calorie junk? Check. There's your man.
It probably is a combination of factors. And eating too much junk has contributed to the water retention and being back up. Yuk. I really do feel sluggish and horrid. But, at the same time all I want is to go and eat MORE of that rubbish. Why?!? Especially when I know that eating that stuff is the direct cause of me feeling so bad?
Perhaps it's the nature of food addiction. Or perhaps it's because I have fallen into that negative cycle of feeling bad and bingeing and feeling bad and bingeing. I need to break it.
I decided this morning that I need to get re-focused. So, I was going to do at least 3 days to a week of the Intensive plan (3 meal replacements + 1tsp oil + 2-4 cups of veggies). I think I will allow myself an extra serve of protein too since we are back to the gym this week (cringe).
I need to call on all my inner strength here and get this going again. I can't let this be the beginning of the end. This is just going to be a blip on the radar. This is going to be a positive thing, a re-ignition of sorts. I am determined.
Ok, enough. I have been beating myself up about this all day. And, despite the fact I've given myself a real working over, it hasn't burnt any calories! I need to just learn what I can from this and move on.
So, why have I gained?
- Building muscle? Maybe a little.
- Water retention? Well, I did eat a lot of carbs and sodium - perhaps there is some water weight in there. Ok.
- (TMI) Backed up a bit? Yep. Got that going on.
- Eating too much food and, especially, too much high calorie junk? Check. There's your man.
It probably is a combination of factors. And eating too much junk has contributed to the water retention and being back up. Yuk. I really do feel sluggish and horrid. But, at the same time all I want is to go and eat MORE of that rubbish. Why?!? Especially when I know that eating that stuff is the direct cause of me feeling so bad?
Perhaps it's the nature of food addiction. Or perhaps it's because I have fallen into that negative cycle of feeling bad and bingeing and feeling bad and bingeing. I need to break it.
I decided this morning that I need to get re-focused. So, I was going to do at least 3 days to a week of the Intensive plan (3 meal replacements + 1tsp oil + 2-4 cups of veggies). I think I will allow myself an extra serve of protein too since we are back to the gym this week (cringe).
I need to call on all my inner strength here and get this going again. I can't let this be the beginning of the end. This is just going to be a blip on the radar. This is going to be a positive thing, a re-ignition of sorts. I am determined.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Positive Feedback
This week has been a wonderful one for receiving positive comments about my weight loss. I'm going to be a little indulgent and write them all down here so that I can be reminded of what a change I've made already.
So, while it's a little bit embarassing, I won't say I don't like it. I've started wearing makeup to work in the past couple of months, and I'm sure I'm walking around with a lot more confidence. It really is nice that people have noticed.
The best one was my doctor, though. That he noticed and was proud of me, and that we have the blood work to prove what a difference it has made on the inside. That was the greatest gift.
WIL: A bunch of kgs and dress sizes... but...
WIG: Confidence, health, pride, self-satisfaction, NEW CLOTHES!!!, better habits, better way of thinking about food, more energy, a BETTER LIFE!
- I went to the doctor yesterday to ask about supplements I could take that would help PMS (Evening Primrose Oil etc). Just before I was about to leave the appointment he said, "You've lost some weight, haven't you?" I beamed and said "Yes, about 40kgs!" He said "Well, it's very noticeable. I almost didn't recognise you." Then, I remembered that I had some blood tests done a couple of months ago so we quickly went over those and everything was looking good! I was particularly pleased about the Liver and Blood Sugar results as they were getting into dangerous areas a couple of years ago. I told him all about how I've started running and how I don't really want to eat the same junk foods that I used to. As I was leaving he remarked, "You really are a whole new person, on many levels!" That was just wonderful to hear!
- As I had the day off yesterday, I decided to do a little shopping. I went to Myer and saw that one of my favourite brands (from when I was younger and didn't buy Plus Size) called Review had a sale on. Normally their clothes are quite expensive, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to indulge. I bought two beautiful cardigans and a knitted jumper as well as a lovely black top. I felt very special! The best thing was that the sales assistant helping me didn't believe me for a second that I was a size 14, and even thought I might be a size 10! I ended up getting size 12s, which I was rather tickled about!
- Today at work, one of my colleagues came up to me quietly and said "I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look fantastic! When you were walking around the other day I nearly didn't recognise you. Well done. You really look great!" I think I went bright red and thanked him a million times. It was just so lovely to hear.
- Also today, as I was talking to a girl at work I am pretty friendly with, my Project Manager (a lovely older guy about 60 years old, who I have a great rapport with) interrupted us. He grabbed me and whispered to my friend "Doesn't she look, incredible?" My friend agreed, "Absolutely!"
So, while it's a little bit embarassing, I won't say I don't like it. I've started wearing makeup to work in the past couple of months, and I'm sure I'm walking around with a lot more confidence. It really is nice that people have noticed.
The best one was my doctor, though. That he noticed and was proud of me, and that we have the blood work to prove what a difference it has made on the inside. That was the greatest gift.
WIL: A bunch of kgs and dress sizes... but...
WIG: Confidence, health, pride, self-satisfaction, NEW CLOTHES!!!, better habits, better way of thinking about food, more energy, a BETTER LIFE!
Monday, May 5, 2014
Week 26
The weeks seem to be flying by lately. End of Week 26 brings a loss of 500g. I am sitting at 79.2kgs today.
It's weird to say, but I sort of feel like I don't really care. This morning I just looked at the number on the scales and thought, "Is it less? Yes? Good." And that was it.
I started three 30 day challenges on May 1st. I bought the 30 Day Fitness Challenges App, which was a slight gamble as there was no free trial option. But, luckily, I'm pretty happy with it. I like that it has a whole bunch of challenges I can try, and links to how to do the exercises.
The challenges are great because they motivate me to do some strength training, which hasn't always been my focus, even though I do enjoy it. The cool thing is that (at least so far) I can get it all done in 5 minutes or so before my morning shower. And I still feel good-sore later, which convinces me that it's working.
Anyway, the point is that this is new(ish) for me, since I've never been too regular about doing my Pump classes. So, I'm expecting some reduced losses for a while due to some muscle building and water retention. That's fine. I am already seeing some changes in the mirror - some streamlining and such. So, if the scales wanna argue, they can go right ahead, I'm not listening.
In other news, the boyfriend and I ran 6km for the first time on Saturday. It was a horrible run - I had a stitch/cramp in my stomach and side the whole time. I had to really dig deep to push through and finish. In terms of leg and chest fitness (breathing/heart rate), things felt good - I felt like I could get into a nice rhythym. The stitch was probably just caused by drinking too much water beforehand. I am proud of myself for getting it done despite the pain though!
We are still working on running a faster 5km. So, our current program is a 5km run on Mondays, a speed/interval run on Wednesdays and an easy "long" run on Saturdays for endurance. I say "long" because we are just working our way up from 5km to something longer. I think the plan for next Saturday is to run for 50mins (whatever distance that ends up being - maybe 6.5km or so) because with a 5min warm up/down either side, that makes it a nice round 1 hour workout.
The program seems to be working. We generally run a PB most runs, unless it's really windy or one of us feels a bit off. Our fastest time (from this morning) is 34:38, which is 7 seconds faster than last weekend! Ideally we'd like to get it down to 30 or below.
Eating-wise, I'm mostly back on track, and keeping to 1200 calories a day. I had one day last week where I went over, but I'm ok with that. Just gotta keep going. Keep moving forward. Keep taking steps in the right direction. Even if they're baby steps!
It's weird to say, but I sort of feel like I don't really care. This morning I just looked at the number on the scales and thought, "Is it less? Yes? Good." And that was it.
I started three 30 day challenges on May 1st. I bought the 30 Day Fitness Challenges App, which was a slight gamble as there was no free trial option. But, luckily, I'm pretty happy with it. I like that it has a whole bunch of challenges I can try, and links to how to do the exercises.The challenges are great because they motivate me to do some strength training, which hasn't always been my focus, even though I do enjoy it. The cool thing is that (at least so far) I can get it all done in 5 minutes or so before my morning shower. And I still feel good-sore later, which convinces me that it's working.
Anyway, the point is that this is new(ish) for me, since I've never been too regular about doing my Pump classes. So, I'm expecting some reduced losses for a while due to some muscle building and water retention. That's fine. I am already seeing some changes in the mirror - some streamlining and such. So, if the scales wanna argue, they can go right ahead, I'm not listening.
In other news, the boyfriend and I ran 6km for the first time on Saturday. It was a horrible run - I had a stitch/cramp in my stomach and side the whole time. I had to really dig deep to push through and finish. In terms of leg and chest fitness (breathing/heart rate), things felt good - I felt like I could get into a nice rhythym. The stitch was probably just caused by drinking too much water beforehand. I am proud of myself for getting it done despite the pain though!
We are still working on running a faster 5km. So, our current program is a 5km run on Mondays, a speed/interval run on Wednesdays and an easy "long" run on Saturdays for endurance. I say "long" because we are just working our way up from 5km to something longer. I think the plan for next Saturday is to run for 50mins (whatever distance that ends up being - maybe 6.5km or so) because with a 5min warm up/down either side, that makes it a nice round 1 hour workout.
The program seems to be working. We generally run a PB most runs, unless it's really windy or one of us feels a bit off. Our fastest time (from this morning) is 34:38, which is 7 seconds faster than last weekend! Ideally we'd like to get it down to 30 or below.
Eating-wise, I'm mostly back on track, and keeping to 1200 calories a day. I had one day last week where I went over, but I'm ok with that. Just gotta keep going. Keep moving forward. Keep taking steps in the right direction. Even if they're baby steps!
Friday, May 2, 2014
Week 25
I'm a little late in posting my Week 25 weigh in. I lost 300gms, which brought me nicely into the 70s! Yay! Less than 10kgs to go to my goal weight.
I've been having a bit of a rough trot of late. Bingeing a bit. Or feeling that bingeing feeling. My binges are, frankly, unrecognisable from my binges of 6 months ago. Nothing like the 12 doughnuts and half a tub of ice cream I used to chow through in a sitting. But, I know that urge all too well. I'm not hungry or anything, I'm just desperate to put something in my face. And lots of it!
Anyway, so I've been battling that. And, for the most part, I guess, winning. Last week I notched up a couple of days of 1700 calories, and I didn't do much exercise (just the two runs for the week). But, 1700 calories is probably (for my height/size) a maintenance or very slow loss level of intake.
It's not really the calories I'm worried about, though. It's the habits I might be forming. So, I've been trying really hard to kick this stuff outta here. I've strung together a few really good days of exercise and good eating.
I'd realised one of the things I had started slacking on was the veggies. Making sure I have lots of veg in my main meals is really helpful for keeping me full. They're not the best snacks for me, as I (perhaps only psychologically) feel like they can make me hungrier. But, beefing up my meals with them is a good tactic for me.
I'm starting to see that checking in with yourself regularly and re-assessing your daily habits is a very important part of long-term weight loss and maintenance. Things slip sometimes without you even realising!
I've also got on board a few of these 30 day fitness challenges for May. I downloaded an app that had a few of them on it, so I'm doing three: squats, planking, and arms. The arms is split into pushups, tricep dips and mountain climbers. All three challenges are currently taking me less than 5 mins to do in the morning, but this may increase as I build up the reps and suffer a bit more fatigue.
Before I started yesterday, I got the boyfriend to take a couple of "before" photos of me in my knickers, so I can compare in 30 days if I've got any more definition or toning going on. Will be interesting to see!
So far, I'm pleased to say that I have completed both Day 1 and 2 of my challenges! Yay!
Going to go catch up on all my blog reading now - I haven't visited most of you in ages and need to see how you're all going! Thanks for reading.
I've been having a bit of a rough trot of late. Bingeing a bit. Or feeling that bingeing feeling. My binges are, frankly, unrecognisable from my binges of 6 months ago. Nothing like the 12 doughnuts and half a tub of ice cream I used to chow through in a sitting. But, I know that urge all too well. I'm not hungry or anything, I'm just desperate to put something in my face. And lots of it!
Anyway, so I've been battling that. And, for the most part, I guess, winning. Last week I notched up a couple of days of 1700 calories, and I didn't do much exercise (just the two runs for the week). But, 1700 calories is probably (for my height/size) a maintenance or very slow loss level of intake.
It's not really the calories I'm worried about, though. It's the habits I might be forming. So, I've been trying really hard to kick this stuff outta here. I've strung together a few really good days of exercise and good eating.
I'd realised one of the things I had started slacking on was the veggies. Making sure I have lots of veg in my main meals is really helpful for keeping me full. They're not the best snacks for me, as I (perhaps only psychologically) feel like they can make me hungrier. But, beefing up my meals with them is a good tactic for me.
I'm starting to see that checking in with yourself regularly and re-assessing your daily habits is a very important part of long-term weight loss and maintenance. Things slip sometimes without you even realising!
I've also got on board a few of these 30 day fitness challenges for May. I downloaded an app that had a few of them on it, so I'm doing three: squats, planking, and arms. The arms is split into pushups, tricep dips and mountain climbers. All three challenges are currently taking me less than 5 mins to do in the morning, but this may increase as I build up the reps and suffer a bit more fatigue.
Before I started yesterday, I got the boyfriend to take a couple of "before" photos of me in my knickers, so I can compare in 30 days if I've got any more definition or toning going on. Will be interesting to see!
So far, I'm pleased to say that I have completed both Day 1 and 2 of my challenges! Yay!
Going to go catch up on all my blog reading now - I haven't visited most of you in ages and need to see how you're all going! Thanks for reading.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Some Things Never Change
Like my style, apparently!
I was doing up a progress shot for my 40kgs lost when I stumbled across a photo from around about 16 months ago. I can't exactly remember how much I weighed. I don't look like I was at my heaviest (120kgs), so I'm going to guess around 115kgs. It's a little hard to tell, as I was wearing a black high waisted thing that I remember I liked for it's figure-hiding abilities!!
I had a good laugh that despite having 35-40kgs on this girl, some parts of me haven't changed a bit!
In other news... Gosh, I can't wait to hit goal weight!!!
I was doing up a progress shot for my 40kgs lost when I stumbled across a photo from around about 16 months ago. I can't exactly remember how much I weighed. I don't look like I was at my heaviest (120kgs), so I'm going to guess around 115kgs. It's a little hard to tell, as I was wearing a black high waisted thing that I remember I liked for it's figure-hiding abilities!!
 |
| Jan 2013 and April 2014 |
I had a good laugh that despite having 35-40kgs on this girl, some parts of me haven't changed a bit!
In other news... Gosh, I can't wait to hit goal weight!!!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Week 24
It's coming up to nearly 6 months on this diet. And, I hit a milestone this week. After zero loss last week, my body decided to play catch up with a little whoosh. I lost 1.8kgs bringing my grand total loss to... 40kgs!
That means I'm 80% of the way to my goal!
I have been trying to take stock lately - making mental notes of all the things I can do now with much more ease. Working about the house (even just cooking and cleaning) is so much easier now without all that extra weight dragging me down. I used to get such sore a sore back and hips if I spent a couple of hours or more baking. Now, I don't. I'm so much fitter, and I think it is mainly to do with the weight loss. Sure, I have built a teeny tiny bit of muscle and endurance with exercise, but I know the main different is the weight.
I made a decision part of the way through the week - to move to Maintenance (Only 1 meal replacement per day, 1200 calories). Optifast Australia isn't too clear on when exactly you should move to Maintenance. I remember reading that you should lose your last few kilos on Maintenance, but I think this was just someone's opinion on the forums. I can't find anything in any of their literature or on their website that sets a clear timeline.
So, I have just decided to do what is best for me. I feel that I need 1200 calories. I am hitting 1200 most days that I exercise and feeling just awful about it because I've been exceeding my target by 200 calories almost all the time. But, I'm hungry. And, for the most part, it is healthy food I'm having (and needing!).
As I've said before on this blog - exercise is working for me. It's making me feel really good and giving me goals outside of this diet to think about. So, I'm just gonna eat 1200 calories a day of healthy foods and keep up the exercise and be happy. Done.
It's actually been harder than I thought to plan out 1200 calories in a day. But, when you're not eating junk, you can really fit a lot more "food" in.
I expect my weight loss to be slower. And that's a price I'm willing to pay. I've been beating myself up for weeks now by trying to merge Optifast Transition (1000 calories) with vigorous exercise, and it's just not working for me. So, I'm moving the goal posts a little.
10kgs to go. And only a dress size or two left. If this takes the rest of the year, I don't care. I just need to be happy right now.
WIL: 1.8kgs, 40kgs total!!
WIG: Perspective. I don't have to be perfect all the time. I just need to be happy and healthy.
That means I'm 80% of the way to my goal!
I have been trying to take stock lately - making mental notes of all the things I can do now with much more ease. Working about the house (even just cooking and cleaning) is so much easier now without all that extra weight dragging me down. I used to get such sore a sore back and hips if I spent a couple of hours or more baking. Now, I don't. I'm so much fitter, and I think it is mainly to do with the weight loss. Sure, I have built a teeny tiny bit of muscle and endurance with exercise, but I know the main different is the weight.
I made a decision part of the way through the week - to move to Maintenance (Only 1 meal replacement per day, 1200 calories). Optifast Australia isn't too clear on when exactly you should move to Maintenance. I remember reading that you should lose your last few kilos on Maintenance, but I think this was just someone's opinion on the forums. I can't find anything in any of their literature or on their website that sets a clear timeline.
So, I have just decided to do what is best for me. I feel that I need 1200 calories. I am hitting 1200 most days that I exercise and feeling just awful about it because I've been exceeding my target by 200 calories almost all the time. But, I'm hungry. And, for the most part, it is healthy food I'm having (and needing!).
As I've said before on this blog - exercise is working for me. It's making me feel really good and giving me goals outside of this diet to think about. So, I'm just gonna eat 1200 calories a day of healthy foods and keep up the exercise and be happy. Done.
It's actually been harder than I thought to plan out 1200 calories in a day. But, when you're not eating junk, you can really fit a lot more "food" in.
I expect my weight loss to be slower. And that's a price I'm willing to pay. I've been beating myself up for weeks now by trying to merge Optifast Transition (1000 calories) with vigorous exercise, and it's just not working for me. So, I'm moving the goal posts a little.
10kgs to go. And only a dress size or two left. If this takes the rest of the year, I don't care. I just need to be happy right now.
WIL: 1.8kgs, 40kgs total!!
WIG: Perspective. I don't have to be perfect all the time. I just need to be happy and healthy.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
The Bucket Is Full
I want to re-post something I wrote on the Optifast forums. It's a slightly more eloquent account of how I've been feeling lately.
My apologies if you've already read it, but I want this blog to be a complete journal. I want to be able to look back on this time and see how I low I felt and how I could make it through. Here it is:
-----
I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm really struggling at the moment. This is so hard for me right now. Most days I'm eating my 1000 calories by lunch time, and then I have to stop myself eating for the rest of the day because I've already hit my limit. And this is on days I don't exercise.
It's not eating out of hunger. I'm just... sad. Everything feels so hard. And when I think about NOT eating my feelings, I get mad. I get mad at that voice in my head trying to tell me it's a bad idea. I think "Why can't I eat my feelings? Why can't I? I want to. Even if it won't help, I really WANT TO. And I feel so helpless right now, why would you deprive me of this?"
I didn't lose this week - I stayed the same. Even though I totally deserved to gain. I think I'm doing it all wrong. I love running. I just want to run. But, my coworker makes me feel bad for not doing 5 gym classes a week with her. She says "If we skip today, we HAVE to do two tomorrow." When it comes to exercise, I do NOT like tough love. I wanted to do 1 or 2 classes a week max. And right now, I want to do none. I want to sleep.
12 more kilos to go. At least. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel it happening - that transition to when people just put all the weight back on. I feel like this is how it happens. These are the days when 1000 cals turns to 1200 and 1500 and 1800 and then I look at myself in the mirror one day and say "Ok, just be fat then". And then I just give up.
Now I get it. Now I understand that it's hard. It wasn't this hard for me before, but I feel like a leaky tap was just drip drip dripping into a bucket. And slowly the bucket filled up. And now that the bucket is full, every single drip makes it overflow. Just one little drip is too much to bear.
I'm so sorry for this post. It's not very inspiring. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay strong.
-----
After writing this post, things got a bit worse before they got any better. I forced myself off to the gym.... where I promptly scraped my car against a pole in the car park. In front of my gym buddy. I was so overcome with embarassment and stress that I just drove away. It was like what I wrote in the post above - one little drip keeps making the bucket overflow.
I drove away for a minute or two, then I pulled over and checked the damage. It was a scrape - pretty big, but I have already scraped it worse in other places.
I got back into the car and just cried. My gym buddy was ringing me, probably to see where I went, but I couldn't answer. I just cried because I couldn't take it.
Then I tried to think what I could do. I was so desperate. I tried ringing my old psychologist, but he was busy. Somehow, I decided I just needed to go back to the gym and do the class. I needed to brave my gym buddy, face the embarassment and work out the frustration.
Monday night we had cancelled the gym because I was tired and grumpy and sad. And that didn't work for me. It just meant that I went home and battled cravings and the urge to stress-eat all night. And I didn't feel any better for it. So, I figured I may as well go to the gym.
When I got there, my gym buddy was really great about it. I was so embarassed, but I managed to joke about it a bit. That helped. She suggested I "take it out on the bike". And I did. That was a really good suggestion.
I drove home and collapsed into boyfriend's arms. Then we went to the shops and bought me some veggies. We chopped them all up so that I could have a huge stash in the fridge. This is my plan. If I can't fight the urge to push things into my face, then those things are going to be veggies. I'm sure I could push veggies into my face all day and still lose weight.
I have a mildly optimistic feeling that yesterday was the lowest point of this trough. I am going to scramble up out of this ditch.
Thank you all for reading and supporting me. I feel the love. Thank you for hearing me and understanding me and making me remember how strong I am.
My apologies if you've already read it, but I want this blog to be a complete journal. I want to be able to look back on this time and see how I low I felt and how I could make it through. Here it is:
-----
I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm really struggling at the moment. This is so hard for me right now. Most days I'm eating my 1000 calories by lunch time, and then I have to stop myself eating for the rest of the day because I've already hit my limit. And this is on days I don't exercise.
It's not eating out of hunger. I'm just... sad. Everything feels so hard. And when I think about NOT eating my feelings, I get mad. I get mad at that voice in my head trying to tell me it's a bad idea. I think "Why can't I eat my feelings? Why can't I? I want to. Even if it won't help, I really WANT TO. And I feel so helpless right now, why would you deprive me of this?"
I didn't lose this week - I stayed the same. Even though I totally deserved to gain. I think I'm doing it all wrong. I love running. I just want to run. But, my coworker makes me feel bad for not doing 5 gym classes a week with her. She says "If we skip today, we HAVE to do two tomorrow." When it comes to exercise, I do NOT like tough love. I wanted to do 1 or 2 classes a week max. And right now, I want to do none. I want to sleep.
12 more kilos to go. At least. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel it happening - that transition to when people just put all the weight back on. I feel like this is how it happens. These are the days when 1000 cals turns to 1200 and 1500 and 1800 and then I look at myself in the mirror one day and say "Ok, just be fat then". And then I just give up.
Now I get it. Now I understand that it's hard. It wasn't this hard for me before, but I feel like a leaky tap was just drip drip dripping into a bucket. And slowly the bucket filled up. And now that the bucket is full, every single drip makes it overflow. Just one little drip is too much to bear.
I'm so sorry for this post. It's not very inspiring. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay strong.
-----
After writing this post, things got a bit worse before they got any better. I forced myself off to the gym.... where I promptly scraped my car against a pole in the car park. In front of my gym buddy. I was so overcome with embarassment and stress that I just drove away. It was like what I wrote in the post above - one little drip keeps making the bucket overflow.
I drove away for a minute or two, then I pulled over and checked the damage. It was a scrape - pretty big, but I have already scraped it worse in other places.
I got back into the car and just cried. My gym buddy was ringing me, probably to see where I went, but I couldn't answer. I just cried because I couldn't take it.
Then I tried to think what I could do. I was so desperate. I tried ringing my old psychologist, but he was busy. Somehow, I decided I just needed to go back to the gym and do the class. I needed to brave my gym buddy, face the embarassment and work out the frustration.
Monday night we had cancelled the gym because I was tired and grumpy and sad. And that didn't work for me. It just meant that I went home and battled cravings and the urge to stress-eat all night. And I didn't feel any better for it. So, I figured I may as well go to the gym.
When I got there, my gym buddy was really great about it. I was so embarassed, but I managed to joke about it a bit. That helped. She suggested I "take it out on the bike". And I did. That was a really good suggestion.
I drove home and collapsed into boyfriend's arms. Then we went to the shops and bought me some veggies. We chopped them all up so that I could have a huge stash in the fridge. This is my plan. If I can't fight the urge to push things into my face, then those things are going to be veggies. I'm sure I could push veggies into my face all day and still lose weight.
I have a mildly optimistic feeling that yesterday was the lowest point of this trough. I am going to scramble up out of this ditch.
Thank you all for reading and supporting me. I feel the love. Thank you for hearing me and understanding me and making me remember how strong I am.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Week 23
Hi there. I'm just checking in.
I'm having a rough trot at the moment. My exercise is all over the place. So is my eating.
I didn't lose or gain this week. Still 81.8. Lucky. I binged a lot this past week, and I didn't drink enough water most days.
I don't feel much like writing at the moment. Just trying to get myself back together again.
I'm still determined. I'm still going to do this. It's just not easy right now.
Hopefully I'll be back with a cheerier post soon!
I'm having a rough trot at the moment. My exercise is all over the place. So is my eating.
I didn't lose or gain this week. Still 81.8. Lucky. I binged a lot this past week, and I didn't drink enough water most days.
I don't feel much like writing at the moment. Just trying to get myself back together again.
I'm still determined. I'm still going to do this. It's just not easy right now.
Hopefully I'll be back with a cheerier post soon!
Monday, April 7, 2014
Week 22
So, Week 22 comes to a close with a surprisingly nice result - a 1.9kg loss! I haven't seen a weekly loss like that in a while. Last time I lost that big was Week 18. But, I'm not complaining. I know it's just a matter of swings and roundabouts.
I can't believe how close I'm getting to being in the 70s. My goal weight is 70 kgs - so getting to 79 will be so strange. The boyfriend weighs around 79-80kgs too - so it will a rather big deal to weigh less than him. Some big milestones to look forward to!
Last Saturday we finished our C25K program. We did the timed version, so we were training to run 30mins. I guess the idea is that a lot of people would be running 5K in 30mins. We ran 4.2K. That's ok. When I started I just wanted to be able to do half an hour of running, and now I can!
We are still kind of unsure about how to continue training. Keep running 30mins and try to run faster. Or just run for longer and get to 5K... then beyond.
Either way, this morning's struggle to get out of bed highlighted to me how important it is for me to have a training program to stick to. Before I finished the C25K program, one of the things that used to get me out of bed was the knowledge that missing a day could set my whole schedule back. Now, I only had the thought of getting my exercise in for the day, and keeping my habit going. I'm scared that it won't be enough motivation going forward.
So, I need to find another program. Maybe just an interim one to get to 5K. Or, maybe to start on the C210K app. It could also be something that the boyfriend and I draw up ourselves, e.g. Run 4.5K this week, 5K next week, 5.5K the next etc.
Maybe we need to bite the bullet and sign up for a race. That would really light a fire under me.
I should also mention that in terms of the food front, and following Optifast properly - I am not quite there. Last week I ate an average of 1200 calories a day. I also exercised A LOT. It was tough, but I really wanted to push myself to see if I could do it. On top of running 3 times, I did 3 Spin classes and 2 BodyPump classes at the gym.
It hurt, and I was tired, but it made me feel so good. I'm slowly starting to see tiny bits of definition showing up on my body. Eating a bit of extra food made me feel confident that I had enough energy to complete the gym classes.
I feel like a bit of a traitor, to be honest. A traitor to Optifast. And a bit of an imposter. I'm still netting the 1000 calories I'm supposed to be on. But, I'm eating more. I'm eating the Optifast products, but only roughly following their nutritional and calorie intake ideas. And so, I just don't feel genuine.
But then, maybe this is all part of it. I'm learning how to lose without Optifast. Perhaps a bit of an early Maintenance/Stabilsation phase. I'm learning how to eat. How to be active. How to be healthy. Isn't that why I did this? Isn't that what Optifast was designed for?
Maybe if I just called it "Maintenance" (which is 1200 calories), I could be done with the whole debate!
At any rate - it's working. What I'm doing is working. I'm going to keep doing it. Eating when my body needs it, but making sure that when I do I'm making good choices. Just because I go to the gym doesn't mean I get an extra 200 calories of chips or chocolate. I need vegetables, protein, dairy. And a few complex carbs.
WIL: 1.9kgs!
WIG: The realisation that I can achieve awesome things if I commit to it. 10 weeks ago, I couldn't run for longer than a minute at a time. And now I can run for 30mins straight, baby!!
I can't believe how close I'm getting to being in the 70s. My goal weight is 70 kgs - so getting to 79 will be so strange. The boyfriend weighs around 79-80kgs too - so it will a rather big deal to weigh less than him. Some big milestones to look forward to!
Last Saturday we finished our C25K program. We did the timed version, so we were training to run 30mins. I guess the idea is that a lot of people would be running 5K in 30mins. We ran 4.2K. That's ok. When I started I just wanted to be able to do half an hour of running, and now I can!
We are still kind of unsure about how to continue training. Keep running 30mins and try to run faster. Or just run for longer and get to 5K... then beyond.
Either way, this morning's struggle to get out of bed highlighted to me how important it is for me to have a training program to stick to. Before I finished the C25K program, one of the things that used to get me out of bed was the knowledge that missing a day could set my whole schedule back. Now, I only had the thought of getting my exercise in for the day, and keeping my habit going. I'm scared that it won't be enough motivation going forward.
So, I need to find another program. Maybe just an interim one to get to 5K. Or, maybe to start on the C210K app. It could also be something that the boyfriend and I draw up ourselves, e.g. Run 4.5K this week, 5K next week, 5.5K the next etc.
Maybe we need to bite the bullet and sign up for a race. That would really light a fire under me.
I should also mention that in terms of the food front, and following Optifast properly - I am not quite there. Last week I ate an average of 1200 calories a day. I also exercised A LOT. It was tough, but I really wanted to push myself to see if I could do it. On top of running 3 times, I did 3 Spin classes and 2 BodyPump classes at the gym.
It hurt, and I was tired, but it made me feel so good. I'm slowly starting to see tiny bits of definition showing up on my body. Eating a bit of extra food made me feel confident that I had enough energy to complete the gym classes.
I feel like a bit of a traitor, to be honest. A traitor to Optifast. And a bit of an imposter. I'm still netting the 1000 calories I'm supposed to be on. But, I'm eating more. I'm eating the Optifast products, but only roughly following their nutritional and calorie intake ideas. And so, I just don't feel genuine.
But then, maybe this is all part of it. I'm learning how to lose without Optifast. Perhaps a bit of an early Maintenance/Stabilsation phase. I'm learning how to eat. How to be active. How to be healthy. Isn't that why I did this? Isn't that what Optifast was designed for?
Maybe if I just called it "Maintenance" (which is 1200 calories), I could be done with the whole debate!
At any rate - it's working. What I'm doing is working. I'm going to keep doing it. Eating when my body needs it, but making sure that when I do I'm making good choices. Just because I go to the gym doesn't mean I get an extra 200 calories of chips or chocolate. I need vegetables, protein, dairy. And a few complex carbs.
WIL: 1.9kgs!
WIG: The realisation that I can achieve awesome things if I commit to it. 10 weeks ago, I couldn't run for longer than a minute at a time. And now I can run for 30mins straight, baby!!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Week 21
This week I lost 0.6kg! Not bad at all. I'm expecting that to drop back down a little this week, because yesterday I weighed in about another 0.6kgs lighter. No matter though - down is good. Plus, being 83.7kgs means I have hit another goal: I have lost 30% of my starting body weight!! Amazing!
Here's a progress photo I had the boyfriend take for me yesterday:
This morning we ran for 30mins straight! This is the last week of the C25K program we're doing. We did the timed version, so the goal was 30mins. And we did it! We are running it two more times this week and will try to improve on the pace a little. Today we ran at 8.3kp/h and ran just under 4.2km. Not bad! We were actually pretty consistent in our overall pace too, which I always hope for. Sometimes we can go out a bit fast and then drag it home, so I liked that we kept it pretty consistent the whole way.
I never thought, all those weeks ago when I started just running 60 seconds at a time (and struggling to finish), that I'd be able to run so far and for so long. Especially after only 9-10 weeks of training. It's a great feeling!
I'm not sure if we'll keep running for 30mins three times a week and try to up our pace, or if we'll try to get to 5km first. I think we might go for the distance first since there is a cool program they run in Australia called ParkRun where you can go run a free timed fun run every week. I just feel like that would be a great thing to do. Then we can work on our pace through those official times.
Running was extra awesome this morning because on the weekend I splurged a little and bought myself some new leggings, a visor, a new sports bra, and a belt to put my phone in that clips around my waist. Much more comfortable than carrying the phone in the bra!
I had really wanted to hold off a little longer before I bought any bras, because I am sure to go down another size or so before I get to my goal weight. But, the lack of support was actually starting to hurt a bit when I ran, so I had to relent. The really wonderful thing was that the lady fit me into a size 14D. The old bras are an 18C (and I was even squeezing into them at my highest weight). So, that felt pretty amazing, I have to say!
I think this is going to be a good week!
WIL: 0.6kgs and another big milestone!
WIG: New running gear!! The ability to run for 30mins without stopping!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Feeling Better
I don't want to jinx myself, but I might be over my little grouchy patch. This week has been good so far. I haven't cheated and haven't been tempted to cheat.
And, I've been doing better at the gym. No more light-headedness. And enough energy to make it through even back to back classes. The real test will be tonight when we do back to back Pump and then RPM. After having run twice this week and been to gym classes both Monday and Tues, it may just hit me. But, I'm going to have an extra serve of quick oats about an hour before, which I reckon will do the trick.
Also, I just feel good today, so I'm kind of excited to go the gym tonight. Which, is usually not the case. I usually drag my heels a bit.
Why am I feeling good? Uhh... probably because I completed my 28min run this morning! Without stopping, thank you very much! It's so sweet when you can conquer something you previously failed at. I've really felt like I've been glowing all day because of it.
Endorphins + sense of achievement = Happy Caitlin!
So, in closing, I will attach the following picture, which, while completely irrelvant, is uber cute! Have a good day all. :-)
 |
| Bit slow - but I'd rather go non-stop than fast! |
And, I've been doing better at the gym. No more light-headedness. And enough energy to make it through even back to back classes. The real test will be tonight when we do back to back Pump and then RPM. After having run twice this week and been to gym classes both Monday and Tues, it may just hit me. But, I'm going to have an extra serve of quick oats about an hour before, which I reckon will do the trick.
Also, I just feel good today, so I'm kind of excited to go the gym tonight. Which, is usually not the case. I usually drag my heels a bit.
Why am I feeling good? Uhh... probably because I completed my 28min run this morning! Without stopping, thank you very much! It's so sweet when you can conquer something you previously failed at. I've really felt like I've been glowing all day because of it.
Endorphins + sense of achievement = Happy Caitlin!
So, in closing, I will attach the following picture, which, while completely irrelvant, is uber cute! Have a good day all. :-)
 |
| Upside-down sleepy kitties are silly. |
Monday, March 24, 2014
Week 20
It feels so weird to be typing "Week 20" in the header there. I remember from Day 1 to something like week 6 I felt like this diet was going to take forever. But the days just go by anyway. And then one day you're typing in "Week 20". Amazing. That means one day I'm going to be typing "goal weight achieved". ;)
This week was rough. I went over calories 3 out of the 7 days. I already spoke about the first two in my last post, but yesterday's eat-fest was the worst emotionally. Damage-wise I went about 500 calories over my goal. My goal on Transition is 800-1000 calories. So, 1500 calories for the day - not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I'm actually not feeling guilty about the food.
It was that feeling. If you are an emotional eater, you'll know what I mean. That voice in your head that drives you to the fridge searching for something to make you happy. Something you can just shove into your mouth. That little idea that eating all the food is somehow the only solution to the problem. It really feels like a compulsion to me. And no matter how much food I gave it, it never seemed enough.
In the end, the choices I made were ok enough to keep the excess calories to a minimum. (Read: I baked and ate a whole batch of cloud bread. Not filling or satisfying - do not recommend). And I skipped dinner to make up for it somewhat. So, about 6pm I decided to try a tip I've heard around the place - I brushed my teeth. It actually worked pretty well. I'd had that kind of mouth-watering feeling going on and it cured that. Plus, it was a kind of mental signal that eating was done for the day. I then settled down with a cup of spearmint and camomile tea, which made me sleepy. And at 8.30 I went to bed early.
Luckily I woke up to some friendly scales, which didn't punish me for my rocky week. I lost 1.2kgs! Yay!
This morning's C25K run was 28mins. I was still grumpy from all the stress I'm in at the moment and I just did not have the willpower to push through. When it got tough, I just stopped. Over and over. I think I stopped 4 or 5 times after halfway.
I told my best friend about the stopping in the run this morning, and he said the most wonderful thing: "Well, that means you started again 4 or 5 times. Even though it was tough." Made me feel really wonderful. Love that guy!
So, I'll be trying to finish it non-stop on Wednesday. But, I'm not too fussed about it. If I need to repeat this week, so be it. I'm actually feeling like a nice non-challenging week would be good for me at the moment.
Thanks for all the love and support you've all been giving me here in the blogosphere, on MFP and on Facebook. I've really been leaning on you all lately, and I appreciate you propping me up a bit! Love to you all.
Here's hoping this is a better week and I can get everything under control a bit more! Better weeks for all, I say! Take care. :)
WIL: 1.2kgs
WIG: Can't think of anything this week... Hmm.
This week was rough. I went over calories 3 out of the 7 days. I already spoke about the first two in my last post, but yesterday's eat-fest was the worst emotionally. Damage-wise I went about 500 calories over my goal. My goal on Transition is 800-1000 calories. So, 1500 calories for the day - not such a big deal in the scheme of things. I'm actually not feeling guilty about the food.
It was that feeling. If you are an emotional eater, you'll know what I mean. That voice in your head that drives you to the fridge searching for something to make you happy. Something you can just shove into your mouth. That little idea that eating all the food is somehow the only solution to the problem. It really feels like a compulsion to me. And no matter how much food I gave it, it never seemed enough.
In the end, the choices I made were ok enough to keep the excess calories to a minimum. (Read: I baked and ate a whole batch of cloud bread. Not filling or satisfying - do not recommend). And I skipped dinner to make up for it somewhat. So, about 6pm I decided to try a tip I've heard around the place - I brushed my teeth. It actually worked pretty well. I'd had that kind of mouth-watering feeling going on and it cured that. Plus, it was a kind of mental signal that eating was done for the day. I then settled down with a cup of spearmint and camomile tea, which made me sleepy. And at 8.30 I went to bed early.
Luckily I woke up to some friendly scales, which didn't punish me for my rocky week. I lost 1.2kgs! Yay!
This morning's C25K run was 28mins. I was still grumpy from all the stress I'm in at the moment and I just did not have the willpower to push through. When it got tough, I just stopped. Over and over. I think I stopped 4 or 5 times after halfway.
I told my best friend about the stopping in the run this morning, and he said the most wonderful thing: "Well, that means you started again 4 or 5 times. Even though it was tough." Made me feel really wonderful. Love that guy!
So, I'll be trying to finish it non-stop on Wednesday. But, I'm not too fussed about it. If I need to repeat this week, so be it. I'm actually feeling like a nice non-challenging week would be good for me at the moment.
Thanks for all the love and support you've all been giving me here in the blogosphere, on MFP and on Facebook. I've really been leaning on you all lately, and I appreciate you propping me up a bit! Love to you all.
Here's hoping this is a better week and I can get everything under control a bit more! Better weeks for all, I say! Take care. :)
WIL: 1.2kgs
WIG: Can't think of anything this week... Hmm.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Debating
So, I will admit that I have been in a bit of a funk. I have been having doubts about whether Optifast is the right program for me right now. It has a lot going for it: mainly - I have lost nearly 35 kilos on it already! But now, with my focus on fitness, I don't know if I can make it work for me.
Despite "recommitting" on Monday I have had the following "cheats":
And now time for the excuses: I have run 3 times this week for 25mins (which has been tough, ok!) and on Wednesday I also did two gym classes. I have been eating a small banana before each exercise session, which has been within my calories (just) and is helping A LOT with my energy levels.
(Aside: I won't bother posting the calories I've burned because between my dodgy HRM and the apps I use, which I believe overestimate a lot, I only have a really rough idea of what I burned.)
So, you could say, in a perfect world where all calories are equal (Are they?? The internet is confusing!) and my metabolism runs like a well-oiled machine, I might have come out even. But, in terms of Optifast and the program, I am not being a good girl. And, I have always advocated that if you customise the program, then you can't blame it for not working.
I'm also not going to lie and tell you that I was super hungry those times I cheated. I wasn't. It was definitely emotional eating. Whether maybe deep down there was some energy/nutritional deficiency that spurred it on, I don't know. Maybe a bit. Or maybe I'm convincing myself I need more food, and using that as an excuse.
So what do I want?
I need to get over it and contact them. I need to have a session with someone who can properly modify my diet for me and take all this guesswork away. I need a big dose of reality. And fast.
Despite "recommitting" on Monday I have had the following "cheats":
- Monday night I ate an extra slice of Vegetable frittata. It meant I went 300 calories over target for the day.
- Thursday night I had an Oat frittata, which is basically rolled oats and egg whites cooked in the microwave to make a sort of pancake-y thing. Recipe is from Runs for Cookies Recipes. I adapted it to use sugarfree maple syrup instead of honey, but it was still 300 calories (including the PB2 peanut butter I had on top!)
And now time for the excuses: I have run 3 times this week for 25mins (which has been tough, ok!) and on Wednesday I also did two gym classes. I have been eating a small banana before each exercise session, which has been within my calories (just) and is helping A LOT with my energy levels.
(Aside: I won't bother posting the calories I've burned because between my dodgy HRM and the apps I use, which I believe overestimate a lot, I only have a really rough idea of what I burned.)
So, you could say, in a perfect world where all calories are equal (Are they?? The internet is confusing!) and my metabolism runs like a well-oiled machine, I might have come out even. But, in terms of Optifast and the program, I am not being a good girl. And, I have always advocated that if you customise the program, then you can't blame it for not working.
I'm also not going to lie and tell you that I was super hungry those times I cheated. I wasn't. It was definitely emotional eating. Whether maybe deep down there was some energy/nutritional deficiency that spurred it on, I don't know. Maybe a bit. Or maybe I'm convincing myself I need more food, and using that as an excuse.
So what do I want?
- I want to exercise. I want to complete the C25k and then proceed to run 5K+ 3 times per week. And I want to go to the gym at least twice per week with my colleague/gym buddy. We have a year's membership, so that's a big incentive. Even if I could write off the cost for myself, I'd still feel terrible leaving her in the lurch a bit. Part of the reason she signed up was that she thought I'd be going too.
- I want to lose weight. I want to lose 15 more kilos. I would prefer it to keep coming off at the nice fast rate it has been, but I am prepared to go slower. Much slower, if it means I can keep exercising at the rate I want to.
- Diet-wise I want something I can stick to. I don't want to do Optifast if it means I have to make so many unsanctioned modifications that there are too many factors involved. For example, if I start plateauing I wouldn't know what to blame or what to change.
I need to get over it and contact them. I need to have a session with someone who can properly modify my diet for me and take all this guesswork away. I need a big dose of reality. And fast.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Week 19
19 weeks down. Getting towards 5 months I've been on this diet. Kind of mindblowing.
This week I lost 100g. My Fat% was down a little and my muscle % up, so that is really pleasing. But, as for the smaller loss - I kinda knew that was coming. With such a big loss last week, I was expecting to make up for it somewhat this week.
I also wasn't the best when it came to food last week. For one of my daily meals (which is usually lunch during weekdays because I like eating real food with my coworkers) I had a pretty large sourdough sandwich with chicken and avocado and cheese. And when I say large, I'm talking one of those sandwiches where the bread is 90% of the meal.
In my calorie estimating afterwards (and I usually try to over-estimate) I am fairly sure I was either still within or close to within my calorie goal for the day. I am not too fussed with being 100 or so calories over (my daily goal is 800-1000) since I do a fair amount of exercise. So I was within my calories and didn't blow everything. But it was the way I acted around that sandwich and afterwards that threw me off.
Basically the whole situation started with a couple of rough workouts. After Monday night's Spin class, I nearly passed out. It was hot in the room (packed full of people) and it was one of the toughest workouts I've had in there. The instructor was relentless - hardly ever letting us turn the resistance down. I am usually determined to keep up until I physically can't. I think I only backed off once against her instructions.
After we cooled down and stretched, I suddenly saw this blackness creeping in around the sides of my vision. I immediately grabbed onto the nearest bike seat to steady myself. Somehow I made it out of the hot room and slid down the wall outside. I put my head between my knees and just tried to get the blood back upstairs again. My gym buddy came and sat with me and I was ok after a while.
I know part of it was a slightly harder workout and the hot room, which isn't usually so full of people. But I was sure part of it was also to do with a lack of calories, specifically a lack of carbs.
Then, Wednesday morning's run happened. And it was stupidly hard too. It was 2 x 10min run intervals, separated by a 3min walk. Not that tough really, considering the Friday before had been a 20min straight run. But it was nearly impossible. I was practically sobbing for the last quarter of it. I came the closest to stopping I have on any run. I was feeling overheated and lightheaded again. It was just horrible.
I have no scientific basis for my assumptions, but I basically came to the conclusion that I cannot keep up this level of exercise without adding more carbs to my diet.
I spoke to the temp at my work who is actually trained as a Dietician, but temping with us while she tries to find her first full time Dietician job. I asked her what kinds of carbs I should be eating to help with giving me more energy when I exercise, because I know simple sugars, bread and pasta are danger zone for me. She gave me a few snack ideas I could have 1-2 hours before exercising. Things like:
- 2 rice cakes with cottage cheese
- Yoghurt with banana
- oats/porridge
- any kind of fruit
Some good ideas!
Unfortunately, when I went out for lunch on Thursday and it was a choice between another boring garden salad and a giant chicken, avocado and cheese sandwich... I chose the death by sandwich. My brain "justified it" by convincing me that I needed those carbs. Fine. Well, it would have been fine if I'd stopped halfway when I was actually full.
My friend is a great 6 foot+ tall man, and he devoured his sandwich, while I ate half of mine. I wrapped it up in the paper it came with, and I wish so much I'd thrown it out there. We went back to the office and I then immediately unwrapped it and ate the rest at my desk. I wasn't hungry. In fact I was pretty satiated. And after stuffing the rest of that thing in my face I was incredibly full. And I was full for hours. Even at 3pm I could tell my body was still trying to force that thing through my system.
Not good.
I managed to up my protein in the following days. And on Friday morning I was testing positive for Ketosis again. So, it can't have had that much of an effect on my weight loss/diet. Also, my run on Friday morning went REALLY well. It was 22mins straight and I was surprised when the app told me to stop - I actually felt like I could have kept going for another minute or two if I'd needed to. So, it felt like those carbs were doing their job there.
But, what also happened, is the floodgates opened a little. Since Thursday I have struggled to keep my calories under the 1000 goal, even under 1100. And when I say struggle, I mean that most of my days were 1000 or 1050 total, but that I had to do some serious work to keep it to that. I hovered round the fridge all weekend and ate a bazillion sugar free jellies and lollies. I just felt like I couldn't be satisfied - which is a hard thing to attain by eating sugarfree things, as they can sometimes stimulate your cravings even more.
Last night I made a very delicious Vegetable frittata, which was exceptionally satisfying. But even an hour after dinner I wanted to grab another serving. Because of cravings, not hunger.
So, I'm making a committment here and now: This week, I am laying off the sugarfree stuff and "extras" in general. I can have a banana before my workouts and a homemade (no added sugar) yoghurt for afternoon snacks. Other than that I can have my usual meal and shakes, water and vegetables. That is all. No weight watchers mousse because I can squeeze it into my calorie allowance. No, sugarfree lollies. Nothing.
I need to get back into the habit of eating vegetables when I need to snack on something. So, I'll be carting around lots of veggie sticks this week!
I don't see this past week as a failure, though. I still had a loss. I didn't gain despite going slightly off track. And I was expecting a smaller loss anyway. You don't suddenly lose 2.2kgs this fair into your diet without things evening out again sooner or later! My loss this week may have nothing to do with the struggles I've had at all, because despite making it hard for myself I still kept my calories fairly under control. But, even if I'd lost more this week, I think this problem needs to be addressed.
I've been able to identify what I'm doing and make a plan to reign it back in. I haven't "fallen off track" or "cheated". I feel I've just wobbled a little bit and learned how to avoid this happening.
I'm going to treat this week the same way I did the first week of the program: Expect it to be hard. I'm going to want sugarfree lollies and all that crap I have been slipping in lately. But, I can't have it. And if I don't have it this week, those cravings should go away. I just need to stay strong for a few days.
-----
P.S ~ My run this morning was 25mins straight! It was so hard, but I made it!
-----
WIL: 100g! A little bit of control. Fat %.
WIG: Muscle %. Recommittment to my weight loss program. Perspective. A plan.
This week I lost 100g. My Fat% was down a little and my muscle % up, so that is really pleasing. But, as for the smaller loss - I kinda knew that was coming. With such a big loss last week, I was expecting to make up for it somewhat this week.
I also wasn't the best when it came to food last week. For one of my daily meals (which is usually lunch during weekdays because I like eating real food with my coworkers) I had a pretty large sourdough sandwich with chicken and avocado and cheese. And when I say large, I'm talking one of those sandwiches where the bread is 90% of the meal.
In my calorie estimating afterwards (and I usually try to over-estimate) I am fairly sure I was either still within or close to within my calorie goal for the day. I am not too fussed with being 100 or so calories over (my daily goal is 800-1000) since I do a fair amount of exercise. So I was within my calories and didn't blow everything. But it was the way I acted around that sandwich and afterwards that threw me off.
Basically the whole situation started with a couple of rough workouts. After Monday night's Spin class, I nearly passed out. It was hot in the room (packed full of people) and it was one of the toughest workouts I've had in there. The instructor was relentless - hardly ever letting us turn the resistance down. I am usually determined to keep up until I physically can't. I think I only backed off once against her instructions.
After we cooled down and stretched, I suddenly saw this blackness creeping in around the sides of my vision. I immediately grabbed onto the nearest bike seat to steady myself. Somehow I made it out of the hot room and slid down the wall outside. I put my head between my knees and just tried to get the blood back upstairs again. My gym buddy came and sat with me and I was ok after a while.
I know part of it was a slightly harder workout and the hot room, which isn't usually so full of people. But I was sure part of it was also to do with a lack of calories, specifically a lack of carbs.
Then, Wednesday morning's run happened. And it was stupidly hard too. It was 2 x 10min run intervals, separated by a 3min walk. Not that tough really, considering the Friday before had been a 20min straight run. But it was nearly impossible. I was practically sobbing for the last quarter of it. I came the closest to stopping I have on any run. I was feeling overheated and lightheaded again. It was just horrible.
I have no scientific basis for my assumptions, but I basically came to the conclusion that I cannot keep up this level of exercise without adding more carbs to my diet.
I spoke to the temp at my work who is actually trained as a Dietician, but temping with us while she tries to find her first full time Dietician job. I asked her what kinds of carbs I should be eating to help with giving me more energy when I exercise, because I know simple sugars, bread and pasta are danger zone for me. She gave me a few snack ideas I could have 1-2 hours before exercising. Things like:
- 2 rice cakes with cottage cheese
- Yoghurt with banana
- oats/porridge
- any kind of fruit
Some good ideas!
Unfortunately, when I went out for lunch on Thursday and it was a choice between another boring garden salad and a giant chicken, avocado and cheese sandwich... I chose the death by sandwich. My brain "justified it" by convincing me that I needed those carbs. Fine. Well, it would have been fine if I'd stopped halfway when I was actually full.
My friend is a great 6 foot+ tall man, and he devoured his sandwich, while I ate half of mine. I wrapped it up in the paper it came with, and I wish so much I'd thrown it out there. We went back to the office and I then immediately unwrapped it and ate the rest at my desk. I wasn't hungry. In fact I was pretty satiated. And after stuffing the rest of that thing in my face I was incredibly full. And I was full for hours. Even at 3pm I could tell my body was still trying to force that thing through my system.
Not good.
I managed to up my protein in the following days. And on Friday morning I was testing positive for Ketosis again. So, it can't have had that much of an effect on my weight loss/diet. Also, my run on Friday morning went REALLY well. It was 22mins straight and I was surprised when the app told me to stop - I actually felt like I could have kept going for another minute or two if I'd needed to. So, it felt like those carbs were doing their job there.
But, what also happened, is the floodgates opened a little. Since Thursday I have struggled to keep my calories under the 1000 goal, even under 1100. And when I say struggle, I mean that most of my days were 1000 or 1050 total, but that I had to do some serious work to keep it to that. I hovered round the fridge all weekend and ate a bazillion sugar free jellies and lollies. I just felt like I couldn't be satisfied - which is a hard thing to attain by eating sugarfree things, as they can sometimes stimulate your cravings even more.
Last night I made a very delicious Vegetable frittata, which was exceptionally satisfying. But even an hour after dinner I wanted to grab another serving. Because of cravings, not hunger.
So, I'm making a committment here and now: This week, I am laying off the sugarfree stuff and "extras" in general. I can have a banana before my workouts and a homemade (no added sugar) yoghurt for afternoon snacks. Other than that I can have my usual meal and shakes, water and vegetables. That is all. No weight watchers mousse because I can squeeze it into my calorie allowance. No, sugarfree lollies. Nothing.
I need to get back into the habit of eating vegetables when I need to snack on something. So, I'll be carting around lots of veggie sticks this week!
I don't see this past week as a failure, though. I still had a loss. I didn't gain despite going slightly off track. And I was expecting a smaller loss anyway. You don't suddenly lose 2.2kgs this fair into your diet without things evening out again sooner or later! My loss this week may have nothing to do with the struggles I've had at all, because despite making it hard for myself I still kept my calories fairly under control. But, even if I'd lost more this week, I think this problem needs to be addressed.
I've been able to identify what I'm doing and make a plan to reign it back in. I haven't "fallen off track" or "cheated". I feel I've just wobbled a little bit and learned how to avoid this happening. I'm going to treat this week the same way I did the first week of the program: Expect it to be hard. I'm going to want sugarfree lollies and all that crap I have been slipping in lately. But, I can't have it. And if I don't have it this week, those cravings should go away. I just need to stay strong for a few days.
-----
P.S ~ My run this morning was 25mins straight! It was so hard, but I made it!
-----
WIL: 100g! A little bit of control. Fat %.
WIG: Muscle %. Recommittment to my weight loss program. Perspective. A plan.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Feeling "Normal"
Just a quick update to share this little photo:
I took this in the bathrooms at a friend's wedding 2 weeks ago. I was wearing an old size 16 dress from my closet (that I hadn't worn since another wedding 8 years ago!!)
For the first time in many many years, I didn't feel like I was a monster next to all the other girls. Sure, I'm a bit bigger/curvier etc - I'm a size 16 to their 10/12s. But, I still felt "normal". Like I wasn't standing out for the wrong reasons.
And, I'll admit it. I might have even felt a bit pretty!
This weight loss stuff... it's totally worth it!
Monday, March 10, 2014
Week 18
Today I just couldn't be happier. I stepped on the scales this morning to see a lovely big whoosh, and an extra special surpise: I am no longer obese.
Not only did I somehow manage to lose 2.2kgs this week (what!?), but my BMI is now 29.6. I really can't believe it. I had to step on and off the scales a few more times to make sure it was right.
Seriously, though: What!?!!!?
It's 18 weeks since I started Optifast. 12 weeks of Intensive (how did I ever do that?) and 6 weeks of Transition. That's 126 days total - over a third of a year! Wow.
I've been through so many ups and downs in the past 4 months, and I really cannot believe that I haven't turned to food to make it better at all. Sure, I've eaten off plan a few times, but I've always counted my calories and made sure it was for the right reasons - like needing fuel to exercise.
I weigh 85.6kgs today. And it seems like I'm closing in on my ultimate goal fast. Of course, I expect things to slow down a lot as I have less to lose. But honestly, even as fast as things have gone for me, I'm no longer in a hurry. The way I'm eating these days feels very sustainable. If I had to eat like this forever, I truly believe I could. I'm never hungry, and I'm well and truly in a routine with things. If it takes another year to get to my goal, so be it. I feel better every day. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.
So, my next goal is 40kgs lost, and also to weigh less than my boyfriend. He is sitting at around 79kgs, so both of those goals are pretty close. I should be there in the next couple of months. Actually - they might get met just in time for my birthday in May! Now that would be a happy birthday!
Oh, and there's one other wonderful thing to report from this week. I finally decided to brave the shops and buy a couple of things to wear to work. My uniform is literally falling off me. The pants, even though stretchy, are finally at the point where they do not stay up. And they don't have loop holes for a belt. Plus, the shirts are so big and gaping, that I'm pretty sure I was at the point of flashing bra on a few occasions. You could have fit another person in those shirts with me, I swear!
So, I pysched up the courage to go to Target on the weekend. For the first time, I did not go into the plus size area. I browsed around the City Dressing section and grabbed a bunch of size 16 shirts and pants to try on. They fit! After the first couple of outfits fit, I decided to quit while I was ahead and just buy them. Being pear-shaped, I've always had a lot of trouble buying pants. But if they were going to fit me first try, I wasn't going to argue! Plus, I think they really looked good!
Today I am at work in my new clothes. My wonderful friend (who always compliments me, because she is just so lovely and kind) has already commented. I am a little nervous that people will notice a big change and, dare I say it, see my FIGURE! But, I think it is worth it for my self esteem to not be looking like a clown in those big clothes. It was really getting depressing putting that stuff on every day.
WIL: 2.2kgs, an "Obese" BMI.
WIG: New clothes! Ability to shop in the "normal" section.
Not only did I somehow manage to lose 2.2kgs this week (what!?), but my BMI is now 29.6. I really can't believe it. I had to step on and off the scales a few more times to make sure it was right.
Seriously, though: What!?!!!?
It's 18 weeks since I started Optifast. 12 weeks of Intensive (how did I ever do that?) and 6 weeks of Transition. That's 126 days total - over a third of a year! Wow.
I've been through so many ups and downs in the past 4 months, and I really cannot believe that I haven't turned to food to make it better at all. Sure, I've eaten off plan a few times, but I've always counted my calories and made sure it was for the right reasons - like needing fuel to exercise.
I weigh 85.6kgs today. And it seems like I'm closing in on my ultimate goal fast. Of course, I expect things to slow down a lot as I have less to lose. But honestly, even as fast as things have gone for me, I'm no longer in a hurry. The way I'm eating these days feels very sustainable. If I had to eat like this forever, I truly believe I could. I'm never hungry, and I'm well and truly in a routine with things. If it takes another year to get to my goal, so be it. I feel better every day. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.
So, my next goal is 40kgs lost, and also to weigh less than my boyfriend. He is sitting at around 79kgs, so both of those goals are pretty close. I should be there in the next couple of months. Actually - they might get met just in time for my birthday in May! Now that would be a happy birthday!
Oh, and there's one other wonderful thing to report from this week. I finally decided to brave the shops and buy a couple of things to wear to work. My uniform is literally falling off me. The pants, even though stretchy, are finally at the point where they do not stay up. And they don't have loop holes for a belt. Plus, the shirts are so big and gaping, that I'm pretty sure I was at the point of flashing bra on a few occasions. You could have fit another person in those shirts with me, I swear!
So, I pysched up the courage to go to Target on the weekend. For the first time, I did not go into the plus size area. I browsed around the City Dressing section and grabbed a bunch of size 16 shirts and pants to try on. They fit! After the first couple of outfits fit, I decided to quit while I was ahead and just buy them. Being pear-shaped, I've always had a lot of trouble buying pants. But if they were going to fit me first try, I wasn't going to argue! Plus, I think they really looked good!
Today I am at work in my new clothes. My wonderful friend (who always compliments me, because she is just so lovely and kind) has already commented. I am a little nervous that people will notice a big change and, dare I say it, see my FIGURE! But, I think it is worth it for my self esteem to not be looking like a clown in those big clothes. It was really getting depressing putting that stuff on every day.
WIL: 2.2kgs, an "Obese" BMI.
WIG: New clothes! Ability to shop in the "normal" section.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Week 16 & 17
Right.... so it's been a little while since I've posted. Sorry about that! Things got a little crazy in my world for a bit there, but I'm back to reality again.
Last Sunday night I got a call from my Dad to let me know that my Papa (grandfather) wasn't doing too well. He'd had a planned surgery to replace a heart valve, and, despite being pretty well after the operation (awake, talking a little, eating), he took a real dive the following afternoon. They had to sedate him and put him on a breathing tube. We were all really worried.
I asked my Dad if I should fly to Melbourne to see him, because it might be the last time. He said that maybe I'd better. So, I did. I took the "Red-Eye" that night at 11.30pm and landed at 6am Melbourne time. We went straight to the hospital.
In short, it was a week long emotional rollercoaster of tests for various organs that seemed to not be doing very well (kidneys, bowels, liver, brain), and slight improvements here and there. It seemed like a constant 1.01 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing. Stressful, in a word. All of my family were stressed, so that made it tough. I was biting a few heads off by the end of it.
I'm back home now. He is on the improve, it seems, but we can't be too optimistic. He's still critical. He's still in the ICU. But, he is off the breathing tube as of this morning. And, the official stance from the doctors is that "we may never know what happened to make him go downhill".
So, diet/exercise-wise, last week was tough. I spent 80% of my days sitting around the hospital and the other 20% at the mercy of whatever food people made me or bought me. I chose veggies and protein wherever I could, and ate small meals. I had my Optifast bars the rest of the time. I think I averaged about one bar a day and two meals of veggies and meat. There were times when I bought a soup that tasted like it had half a cup of butter/oil in it. There were times I had to eat my chicken wrapped in pastry. There were times I had full cream milk or yoghurt to get a dairy serve. I was very conscious of trying to get my nutrients more than I was that things were higher calorie than I was used to. I managed.
I think I did really well, actually. I made the best choices available to me at all times. And, if the choice was still not very good, I just ate small amounts. I didn't go hungry though. I don't think that would have been good.
I weighed in yesterday (Monday). Since I didn't get to weigh in last Monday (as I flew out the night before), my loss is for 2 weeks...
I lost 3.4kgs! I am down to 87.8kgs. I am in the 80s! I have lost a total of 32.2kgs and so have hit my next big goal of losing 30kgs! My BMI is 30.4 - just above the "Overweight" range. I am thrilled. Thrilled. I proved to myself that I can do this under stress and out of my comfort zone. There are no excuses for me anymore. I can do this. I will do this.
The only thing I didn't do so well on was the exercise. It was pretty impossible. I did bring my jogging gear and my best intentions to keep it up, but it never happened. I guess I could have found ways to cut into my restless sleep even more and get up even earlier to run. It might have helped a bit with the stress. But, at the time, I was exhausted. And by the time we got home from the hospital of an evening, it was dark. I was a little hesitant to run alone at night in a suburb I'm not used to. I might have been fine, but I probably would have stressed out my Nana even more by doing that. So, I'll forgive myself a week off, I think.
We were back into it yesterday. It was a public holiday and a scorcher heatwise. We didn't get up early enough to run in the morning before the heat hit, so had to run at about 4pm. It was still pretty warm, but my best friend was coming over at about 5pm, so we just had to brave it.
It felt a little weird at first. My legs wanted it, but were just a little wobbly. We soon got into it, though. The program was 3 x 5min runs, with a 3min walk in between. The first 5mins felt like a breeze. But the last one was really tough to complete. It felt like the heat was what made it so hard. I was still really proud that we averaged over 8km/h on each of the running legs. Especially since we'd had a week off.
This week is going to be all about getting organised again. Getting the running happening, and seeing about the gym. Maybe just a couple of classes so I don't hurt myself. And, the food. Getting back into 2 Optifast meals and one regular meal again. I'm sure I'll be my old self by next Monday!
WIL: Any doubts I could do this for life. 3.4kgs!!
WIG: Confidence and pride.
Last Sunday night I got a call from my Dad to let me know that my Papa (grandfather) wasn't doing too well. He'd had a planned surgery to replace a heart valve, and, despite being pretty well after the operation (awake, talking a little, eating), he took a real dive the following afternoon. They had to sedate him and put him on a breathing tube. We were all really worried.
I asked my Dad if I should fly to Melbourne to see him, because it might be the last time. He said that maybe I'd better. So, I did. I took the "Red-Eye" that night at 11.30pm and landed at 6am Melbourne time. We went straight to the hospital.
In short, it was a week long emotional rollercoaster of tests for various organs that seemed to not be doing very well (kidneys, bowels, liver, brain), and slight improvements here and there. It seemed like a constant 1.01 steps forward, 1 step back kind of thing. Stressful, in a word. All of my family were stressed, so that made it tough. I was biting a few heads off by the end of it.
I'm back home now. He is on the improve, it seems, but we can't be too optimistic. He's still critical. He's still in the ICU. But, he is off the breathing tube as of this morning. And, the official stance from the doctors is that "we may never know what happened to make him go downhill".
So, diet/exercise-wise, last week was tough. I spent 80% of my days sitting around the hospital and the other 20% at the mercy of whatever food people made me or bought me. I chose veggies and protein wherever I could, and ate small meals. I had my Optifast bars the rest of the time. I think I averaged about one bar a day and two meals of veggies and meat. There were times when I bought a soup that tasted like it had half a cup of butter/oil in it. There were times I had to eat my chicken wrapped in pastry. There were times I had full cream milk or yoghurt to get a dairy serve. I was very conscious of trying to get my nutrients more than I was that things were higher calorie than I was used to. I managed.
I think I did really well, actually. I made the best choices available to me at all times. And, if the choice was still not very good, I just ate small amounts. I didn't go hungry though. I don't think that would have been good.
I weighed in yesterday (Monday). Since I didn't get to weigh in last Monday (as I flew out the night before), my loss is for 2 weeks...
I lost 3.4kgs! I am down to 87.8kgs. I am in the 80s! I have lost a total of 32.2kgs and so have hit my next big goal of losing 30kgs! My BMI is 30.4 - just above the "Overweight" range. I am thrilled. Thrilled. I proved to myself that I can do this under stress and out of my comfort zone. There are no excuses for me anymore. I can do this. I will do this.
The only thing I didn't do so well on was the exercise. It was pretty impossible. I did bring my jogging gear and my best intentions to keep it up, but it never happened. I guess I could have found ways to cut into my restless sleep even more and get up even earlier to run. It might have helped a bit with the stress. But, at the time, I was exhausted. And by the time we got home from the hospital of an evening, it was dark. I was a little hesitant to run alone at night in a suburb I'm not used to. I might have been fine, but I probably would have stressed out my Nana even more by doing that. So, I'll forgive myself a week off, I think.
We were back into it yesterday. It was a public holiday and a scorcher heatwise. We didn't get up early enough to run in the morning before the heat hit, so had to run at about 4pm. It was still pretty warm, but my best friend was coming over at about 5pm, so we just had to brave it. It felt a little weird at first. My legs wanted it, but were just a little wobbly. We soon got into it, though. The program was 3 x 5min runs, with a 3min walk in between. The first 5mins felt like a breeze. But the last one was really tough to complete. It felt like the heat was what made it so hard. I was still really proud that we averaged over 8km/h on each of the running legs. Especially since we'd had a week off.
This week is going to be all about getting organised again. Getting the running happening, and seeing about the gym. Maybe just a couple of classes so I don't hurt myself. And, the food. Getting back into 2 Optifast meals and one regular meal again. I'm sure I'll be my old self by next Monday!
WIL: Any doubts I could do this for life. 3.4kgs!!
WIG: Confidence and pride.
Friday, February 21, 2014
The Week For It
So, it seems like this is the week where suddenly my weight loss is SUPER noticeable. Three days in a row this week I have had someone at work come up to me and remark very seriously on how much different I look. Two of them even said they barely recognised me.
They all asked me about how I've done it and about the Optifast program. They seemed really interested and supportive, and I could tell they were really trying not to offend me. It is pretty hard to tell someone how amazing they look and what a great job they've done without inadvertently implying that they didn't look that great before. But, I know that's not their intention. And they all seemed genuinely happy for me.
It has made me feel, understandably, amazing! I mean, I have had comments before. And my good friend at work tells me every couple of days how much she can notice the difference (I'm a lucky gal!). But, these past few days it really feels like I've blown some people's socks off. Granted, they aren't people I see every day - so the difference is bigger for them. But, you know what? I'm taking it. It's just so lovely and reassuring to know that I really have made a noticeable difference to my body.
So, Wednesday night was a bit tough. I was, as I mentioned in this post, supposed to go to the Okkervil River concert. Well, things didn't turn out that way.
I went to a BodyPump class (resistance/barbells) with my co-worker/gym buddy after work. We had done an RPM (spinning) class on both Monday and Tuesday night. And I had also been running Monday and Wednesday mornings.
Well... my BodyPump class didn't go so well. In retrospect, I can see that I was definitely suffering from some muscle fatigue and general soreness.
What was really upsetting was how when I was doing some arm lifts, my back was tensing up and hurting a bit. I'm terrified of hurting myself, so I had to stop. I hate having to stop for other reasons. I mean... if the actual muscles I was working were too sore to continue, at least I would feel like they'd gotten their workout. But, to stop because another part of my body was sore really sucked.
I also had to do the lowest/easiest exercises on offer for many of the sets. Like when we were doing lunges and squats, I had to do them without the bar. And even then I had to pause a few times. I couldn't keep up with the class, basically.
It really got to me. My friend could tell I was in a bit of a stink, too, which make me feel slightly guilty. But, she seemed to just be able to laugh about it. I'm glad because I didn't want my foul mood to ruin her experience. Or make her not want to come with me anymore!
My problem is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I expected to be able to complete the class fully - without having to stop at all. On my first time (in 2 years). Looking around the room, it seemed like it was so EASY for everyone else. And they were using WAY heavier weights! I felt like I wasn't giving it my all. But, I also felt like I had nothing left to give.
Time for a reality check?
Not even 4 months ago I was 120kgs and never exercised a single day in the week. I was sweaty all the time, and avoided physical activity like the plague. I sat in dark rooms and stuffed my face with doughnuts, chips, ice cream and litres of sugary drinks.
In just that small amount of time I have gone from walking 30mins every weekday, to running 3 times a week (and walking 2), to now doing an additional 2-3 gym sessions a week. I should be proud. But, instead I was beating myself up for not being immediately amazing at BodyPump.
I talked to my best friend and my boyfriend about it. They both reassured me that I'm doing really well, despite having an off night, and that I need to be kinder to myself. Not only will I probably be better at it the next time, but I also need to stop expecting so much. I'd already worked my body a lot in that week, so even if I wasn't new to the class, I still would have likely experienced some reduced performance.
I've been feeling better about things since then. And I apologised to my gym buddy - who just laughed and said that it was actually kind of entertaining to see me annoyed! Phew!
Unfortunately, after crying my eyes out with my silly tantrum, I decided not to go to the concert. I was really tired and just wanted a rest. Boyfriend was super understanding, thankfully. I felt a little guilty that he had to miss out too, but he said it was ok. And I really enjoyed my early night and nice big sleep.
So I am determined to go back and face my BodyPump demons next week. And take it really easy. Until I get to the point where I can complete the exercises, I am not going to increase the resistance at all. I'm just going to slowly work my way into it.
Wonderfully, all my planned exercise has been completed for the week! And, I have the weekend to fully recuperate. It feels great! Last weekend my legs were kind of itching for a run, but I am quite frightened about next week's C25K plan, so I am going to hold off and reserve my energy. My best runs seem to be on Mondays after I've had a couple of rest days. And today's was pretty good after only doing a 30min casual walk yesterday. So, I want to be able to put the most into the program that I can. If I really need to do something over the weekend, I'll make it a walk.
We have a wedding to attend to on Saturday for one of Boyfriend's really good friends. So, that will be a little challenge. I'm sure the food and alcohol will be very tempting. I have no idea what food they'll be serving, but I'll be keeping away from any carbs. If there is lean protein and veggies on offer I will have those. And if I am sketchy about how they were prepared (too much oil/sauce) I will only have very small amounts. I'll pack a couple of Optifast Bars for insurance, in case I just can't eat anything.
To all you wonderful people who stop by and have a read here, thank you! I wish you all a lovely weekend!
They all asked me about how I've done it and about the Optifast program. They seemed really interested and supportive, and I could tell they were really trying not to offend me. It is pretty hard to tell someone how amazing they look and what a great job they've done without inadvertently implying that they didn't look that great before. But, I know that's not their intention. And they all seemed genuinely happy for me.
It has made me feel, understandably, amazing! I mean, I have had comments before. And my good friend at work tells me every couple of days how much she can notice the difference (I'm a lucky gal!). But, these past few days it really feels like I've blown some people's socks off. Granted, they aren't people I see every day - so the difference is bigger for them. But, you know what? I'm taking it. It's just so lovely and reassuring to know that I really have made a noticeable difference to my body.
-----
So, Wednesday night was a bit tough. I was, as I mentioned in this post, supposed to go to the Okkervil River concert. Well, things didn't turn out that way.
I went to a BodyPump class (resistance/barbells) with my co-worker/gym buddy after work. We had done an RPM (spinning) class on both Monday and Tuesday night. And I had also been running Monday and Wednesday mornings.
Well... my BodyPump class didn't go so well. In retrospect, I can see that I was definitely suffering from some muscle fatigue and general soreness.
 |
| Aaaaand Tantrum... In... 3...2...1... |
I also had to do the lowest/easiest exercises on offer for many of the sets. Like when we were doing lunges and squats, I had to do them without the bar. And even then I had to pause a few times. I couldn't keep up with the class, basically.
It really got to me. My friend could tell I was in a bit of a stink, too, which make me feel slightly guilty. But, she seemed to just be able to laugh about it. I'm glad because I didn't want my foul mood to ruin her experience. Or make her not want to come with me anymore!
My problem is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I expected to be able to complete the class fully - without having to stop at all. On my first time (in 2 years). Looking around the room, it seemed like it was so EASY for everyone else. And they were using WAY heavier weights! I felt like I wasn't giving it my all. But, I also felt like I had nothing left to give.
Time for a reality check?
Not even 4 months ago I was 120kgs and never exercised a single day in the week. I was sweaty all the time, and avoided physical activity like the plague. I sat in dark rooms and stuffed my face with doughnuts, chips, ice cream and litres of sugary drinks.
In just that small amount of time I have gone from walking 30mins every weekday, to running 3 times a week (and walking 2), to now doing an additional 2-3 gym sessions a week. I should be proud. But, instead I was beating myself up for not being immediately amazing at BodyPump.
I talked to my best friend and my boyfriend about it. They both reassured me that I'm doing really well, despite having an off night, and that I need to be kinder to myself. Not only will I probably be better at it the next time, but I also need to stop expecting so much. I'd already worked my body a lot in that week, so even if I wasn't new to the class, I still would have likely experienced some reduced performance.
I've been feeling better about things since then. And I apologised to my gym buddy - who just laughed and said that it was actually kind of entertaining to see me annoyed! Phew!
Unfortunately, after crying my eyes out with my silly tantrum, I decided not to go to the concert. I was really tired and just wanted a rest. Boyfriend was super understanding, thankfully. I felt a little guilty that he had to miss out too, but he said it was ok. And I really enjoyed my early night and nice big sleep.
So I am determined to go back and face my BodyPump demons next week. And take it really easy. Until I get to the point where I can complete the exercises, I am not going to increase the resistance at all. I'm just going to slowly work my way into it.
-----
Wonderfully, all my planned exercise has been completed for the week! And, I have the weekend to fully recuperate. It feels great! Last weekend my legs were kind of itching for a run, but I am quite frightened about next week's C25K plan, so I am going to hold off and reserve my energy. My best runs seem to be on Mondays after I've had a couple of rest days. And today's was pretty good after only doing a 30min casual walk yesterday. So, I want to be able to put the most into the program that I can. If I really need to do something over the weekend, I'll make it a walk.
We have a wedding to attend to on Saturday for one of Boyfriend's really good friends. So, that will be a little challenge. I'm sure the food and alcohol will be very tempting. I have no idea what food they'll be serving, but I'll be keeping away from any carbs. If there is lean protein and veggies on offer I will have those. And if I am sketchy about how they were prepared (too much oil/sauce) I will only have very small amounts. I'll pack a couple of Optifast Bars for insurance, in case I just can't eat anything.
-----
To all you wonderful people who stop by and have a read here, thank you! I wish you all a lovely weekend!
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