Lines

Tonight we are off to another concert. We're going to see Okkervil River, who are playing as part of the Perth Arts Festival. It should be pretty nice. Boyfriend and I quite like the band, and I've heard that the venue is pretty good.

Something I used to do a lot of when I went to see bands? Drink. Beer mainly. Or Cider. Of course, I never used to think about what all those "empty" calories were doing to me. I drank when I went out because I enjoyed it. Sometimes it was because I was bored, or as a social lubricant if I didn't know the people we were with that well. Sometimes it was just because it felt like the "thing to do"! Having said this - I also didn't go out that often. It seems to be music/gig season in Perth at the moment, so we're just on a little spree of outings. But, for the most part, we are homebodies.



Beyond that line... it can be a slippery slope.

I have had a stressful few days and I've just been generally grumpy and hard on myself. So, when I thought about going out tonight I thought about maybe having a beer. To kind of unwind.
...And that little thought has stirred up a whole conversation that I've been having in my head for the rest of the day.
 
On the one hand I'm thinking things like: "I haven't had beer in months, so probably one beer would be enough to make me feel quite tipsy"; "I've been doing a lot of extra exercise lately and the extra calories might give my body a bit of a shake-up and increase my loss this week"; "I need to practice having things in moderation to build up my will-power for life post-Optifast".
 
And then there's the other part of my brain saying: "I'm on Optifast - Optifast has been working really well for me, so just stick to the guidelines and stop trying to justify a cheat!" "I shouldn't give in to the temptation to fix things with food OR alcohol - this is unhealthy. If I'm stressed I should find another way to relax." And, kind of related, "I need to learn to have fun without alchohol and food. I will still have a good time without drinking, as I have at other social occasions recently".
 
So, there is a bit of back and forth going on in my head. And, the thing I'm struggling with most is... Am I being too strict? Am I too obsessed with my diet? Am I going to stress myself out so much with all this obsessive thinking that I self-sabotage?
 
I think right now that it's just too dangerous to go breaking my diet. No matter how small an impact it might have (calorie-wise). I have made poor choices my entire life, which is how I got to be so obese in the first place. Right now, especially while I'm still on Optifast, I need to listen to the diet and follow it's plan. It's not like other diets where a cheat meal or day is often even recommended. It's so much more centred on detoxing, control, and re-learning eating habits.
 
Also - I'm kind of afraid of that voice in my head that tells me to indulge, or that a little of this or that "doesn't matter". That's the same voice that got me to 120kgs. That's the same voice that kept me "on a diet" for the past 4 or so years - starting every morning, and wrecking it by the afternoon because "just a bit can't hurt".
 
So... here's a few questions for any of you reading:

• Where do you draw the line on your diet?
• Is there any time you let yourself indulge?
• Can there ever be such a thing as "moderation" for someone who's been morbidly obese and has struggled with portion control, emotional eating and binge eating?
• And also... Are all excuses just excuses? If I'm trying to rationalise something so much... is this a danger sign? Or, should I relax a bit?

I'd be really keen to hear your take on this and how you've dealt with these thoughts!