Self-Soothing

It's not unlike me to go through little low moments where I feel generally rotten about myself. It is, however, incredibly unlike me to not deal with it by stuffing my face. I remember times (plural) when I would go to the supermarket and buy several packets of doughnuts, chips, ice cream and chocolate and sit in front of the TV or computer, mindlessly forcing days worth of calories down my throat. Sometimes I would be sick. Most of those times I would start bingeing again later that evening.

Did it ever make me feel better? Well. Yes, I think in those brief moments between the pre-guilt and the post-guilt I was mildly happy. Or, perhaps a better word for it would be "numb". I was numb. In that fleeting sugar-induced haze I was feeling like the things that were bothering me had vanished.

Only problem was? Afterwards I was often too full to even sit up. My heart would be racing with the elevated blood sugar and I would feel like sleeping. And the mood would fall again. Almost immediately. So, I would be back where I started, with another who-even-knows how many extra thousands of calories on board. I'd compounded the problem.

The more I did it, the more I did it. The more habitual it became. And the more reasons I gave myself to feel bad about myself.

I am so glad I have broken that cycle. I'm fully aware that it's only 9 or 10 weeks behind me. But, I am determined to never kick it off again.

I have been feeling a little down about myself lately. Really criticising my skin, how un-toned I am and how stupid I look in these big baggy clothes now. But, I haven't dealt with it in the old way. I also, don't really seem to want to.

I think it's a combination of my success so far and ketosis. Momentum is a wonderful thing. And, as I've written before, I really believe in this diet. I know it won't always be massive losses, but I know I will still continue to lose if I follow the program. I don't want to sabotage this. I'm onto a good thing here!

The ketosis too, is so powerful. Not being hungry and, at many times being so un-hungry that I couldn't even stomach the thought of eating, really seems to combat any tiny thoughts about old habits returning. It's for this reason I plan to trying to stay fairly low carb throughout Transition and probably for life. I may not (or even perhaps should not) maintain ketosis forever, but I still feel like I will have more control keeping the carbs, and especially processed carbs, to a minimum.

The best thing I think about not resorting to binge eating in order to self-soothe? It's that whatever else I do to get through it (whether it be a few cups of my favourite teas, a walk, or snuggling up on the couch with a blanket and some trashy television) doesn't hurt me in any way. It feels much cleaner today. Much lighter. Like I haven't added any extra load (emotional or physical). I feel so much freer to just move on now and not have to deal with the legacy of other bad emotions that binge eating to feel better gave me.