Before reading this I probably would have used the two words interchangeably. But now that I can see the difference... I know I am determined. Of course, an awesome weight loss/fitness meme, or some amazing progress photos, or stories from those in my support groups definitely get me motivated. But, determination seems to come from within. From right inside you. Right where your values are. It doesn't come and go. If you've truly committed to something and decided that, come what may, you are going to do it - it's there. And I don't think I would be still going if I wasn't determined.
Motivation gives me a spring in my step. It makes me feel good about what I'm doing. But, that determination I have to lose this weight and change my lifestyle for good? That's what keeps me in it for the good times as well as the hard times. I'm in it for the no matter what.
After three months of Optifast, I know it hasn't always been smooth-sailing. I've whinged and whined about hunger and tiredness and exercise and self-esteem. But, I've pulled through every time. I'm still going. I haven't broken the plan. I haven't become derailed. Because at the core of me in all of those times, there was always the knowledge that I was going to keep going anyway. Even though it was hard. Even though things sucked. I never thought I was going to stop. I might have been kicking and screaming, but I wasn't getting off!
It makes me feel good to know this about myself: I am determined. Because that means I will do this. No matter how long it takes. If it takes a year, two years, five years. I will lose the weight, I will get to a healthy size, I will live a healthier life. I will be happier and so will those around me. I have never felt like this on any other diet in my life. I have never felt so strong. There was always a social event, or a binge-eating pity party, or a week without a loss just around the corner waiting to push me over.
It's different now. I'm in this for the good, the bad and the ugly. For the loose skin, the cravings, the long-winded explanations to people about my food choices, the praise, the rewards, the baggy clothes, the new clothes (one day!), the hard workouts, the sore muscles, the temptations, the awkward social situations, the awesome achievements, the friendships, the gains and the losses. I'm in this.
It feels very liberating. To know that I'm going to get there. Suddenly, I'm not in a rush anymore. There's no giant zero calorie cheesecake waiting on the finish line for me. And there never was. I won't suddenly be able to go back to the old ways of eating and living just because I'm at my goal weight. Things will be different. They need to be. And they're already changing.
I want to be the kind of person that I'm becoming. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. And stay there.
Amen sister!
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